rinue | The International Rules of Piracy

2:50 PM Pirates do not get motion sick. Ever. If they throw up after getting out of a car, it is because they drank too much the night and/or morning before. Perhaps you did not see them drinking, but this is because they are pirates and therefore sneaky.

4:06 PM The pirate gets the ship and the girl. Period. Normally there are toasts on this subject, as well as songs commemorating it. A proper gift at this time includes grog and a respectable amount of plunder.

5:48 PM Sometimes, you really want a giant plastic statue of a bison, and the man you love refuses to get it for you. You've got to accept that. It's also your duty to send him to the brig for an extended period, provided "brig" was not the intended use of the giant plastic bison you don't have.

11:14 AM Woke up feeling v. piratey. Had not actually slept, but hallucinations were restful. Excited about possibility of plundering natural cave formations in search of Jesse James' buried booty. Moreover, discovered town which is apparently owned by me (re: Stotts City). Unf., key member of pirate crew was verbally assaulted by natives of Missouri while I was indisposed and unable to humiliate said ruffians and/or steal their shoes, belts, and wallets. Have failed in my pirate duty. Lacrimose. Will resign as captain. Concerned that desire for waffles will be viewed as economic support for pestilential now-doomed state.

11:30 AM Waffles were good. Am captain again.

Midnight If you come upon an abandoned ship riding low in the water, sail away immediately. Could be a trick. Could be disease. Could be cursed ghost pirates. Likewise, if it's past dark and nothing is open for miles, not even fast food or gas stations, there's probably a very good reason. Alternatively, you're in Michigan.

approx. 5:30 AM Still awake. Probably cursed. Piratey?

1:21 PM Powder monkeys making much noise. Have put them under supervision of the quartermaster, but does no good. They like the explosions. Indicates good career choice as pirate, but spoils most elements of surprise while plundering. Have commandeered British naval vessel, but is only matter of time before I turn to the grog. Or coffee. Grogachino?