The International Rules of Piracy

[rinue]

2:50 PM Pirates do not get motion sick. Ever. If they throw up after getting out of a car, it is because they drank too much the night and/or morning before. Perhaps you did not see them drinking, but this is because they are pirates and therefore sneaky.

4:06 PM The pirate gets the ship and the girl. Period. Normally there are toasts on this subject, as well as songs commemorating it. A proper gift at this time includes grog and a respectable amount of plunder.

5:48 PM Sometimes, you really want a giant plastic statue of a bison, and the man you love refuses to get it for you. You've got to accept that. It's also your duty to send him to the brig for an extended period, provided "brig" was not the intended use of the giant plastic bison you don't have.

11:14 AM Woke up feeling v. piratey. Had not actually slept, but hallucinations were restful. Excited about possibility of plundering natural cave formations in search of Jesse James' buried booty. Moreover, discovered town which is apparently owned by me (re: Stotts City). Unf., key member of pirate crew was verbally assaulted by natives of Missouri while I was indisposed and unable to humiliate said ruffians and/or steal their shoes, belts, and wallets. Have failed in my pirate duty. Lacrimose. Will resign as captain. Concerned that desire for waffles will be viewed as economic support for pestilential now-doomed state.

11:30 AM Waffles were good. Am captain again.

Midnight If you come upon an abandoned ship riding low in the water, sail away immediately. Could be a trick. Could be disease. Could be cursed ghost pirates. Likewise, if it's past dark and nothing is open for miles, not even fast food or gas stations, there's probably a very good reason. Alternatively, you're in Michigan.

approx. 5:30 AM Still awake. Probably cursed. Piratey?

1:21 PM Powder monkeys making much noise. Have put them under supervision of the quartermaster, but does no good. They like the explosions. Indicates good career choice as pirate, but spoils most elements of surprise while plundering. Have commandeered British naval vessel, but is only matter of time before I turn to the grog. Or coffee. Grogachino?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

GrogaCCino.

[and-ham.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a haarrrrd day, especially the bit about the bison.

[(Anonymous)]

You've employed young sailors from the Civil War to operate your guns? Or is "powder monkey" a much more universal term than I think?

-C

[rinue.livejournal.com]

Notably more universal term. For example, I know it was used during the War of 1812/Seven Years' War. Believe it goes back notably further than that. In any case, am a modern enough pirate to use recently-originated terms.

-R

[(Anonymous)]

Oh indeed, I was merely suggesting that you were so piratey that you are able to thumb your nose at the space/time continuum and recruit nubile young men from the Confederate Navy to do your bidding.

-C

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

I have spoken to Desmond since you asked about him. He is fine. The journal, he was concerned had become to insinuated with his personal life to be a proper outlet for the things he needed to do with it. It essentially became a useless appendage for him I think. He has no immediate plans to resurrect it, but you never know.
He is fine though, and asked me to say hello to you.

[vaguerant.livejournal.com]

That made me laugh in 5 different languages.

[rhys-k.livejournal.com]

That, I think, would be fun to listen to.

[rhys-k.livejournal.com]

I too would greatly enjoy unearthing Jesse James' buried booty. (But perhaps this is just hormones).

Waffles ARE good.

Captains leave behind street urchins who desperately want to be pirates.

[magical-nymphs.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful. No, I'm not being sarcastic. It was lovely.