And now there's a hole in my car
Feb. 18th, 2003 03:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueIf there's something that all this being sick has taught me, it's that I really hate children. And cats. Children and cats. I hate them.
Certainly, there are other things I hate, and hate more - dogs, for example. Southern Baptists. The Man. Southern Baptists who work for The Man. Day traders. Southern Baptists who work for The Man as day traders. These views are fairly standard outside the right-wing fringe, and I feel pretty grounded in them. Stable. Well-researched. Bibliographed, with foot notes. On the other hand, this children and cats thing is a whole new paradigm.
In the hypothetical, I like children. A lot. They're quirky and original. Imaginitive. They pretend. They see day-to-day tasks as new and exciting, uncertain where reality ends. Enthusiasm and adventure. I was blindsided when I realized that I only find this charming in people sufficiently literate to realize and combat the machinations of The aforementioned Man. Kids don't. Most kids are going to sell out. Most kids sell out as soon as they possibly can. By second grade, they will all be drawing birds that look like "v"s. I don't like most people. Why would that change if they were small, loud, snotty, and savage?
To be sure, there has been a dramatic string of anti-child precedents. Throughout middle and high school, I forewent traditional babysitting in favor of kid-free jobs like housesitting and piano accompaniment. When teaching vacation bible school, I always chose 6th graders while everyone clamored for kindergardeners. I didn't even like children when I was one. From age two onward, I routinely beat up every kid in the neighborhood until such time as they developed language skills and some modicum of civilization.
None of this really came together for me until the recent adoption of a militant "no babies" platform, and what I have to wonder is this: what dread conspiracy tried to fool me into thinking that I liked and wanted children? Of, for that matter, cats - clawed furry children who never grow up. Biological imperative? Hardly. Strong suspicion must certainly fall upon The Man and His program of cultural brainwashing.
I say this to you, people of the world. I say this: I hate your children. But if they behave, I promise I'll give them gum and a spot on the monkey bars.
Certainly, there are other things I hate, and hate more - dogs, for example. Southern Baptists. The Man. Southern Baptists who work for The Man. Day traders. Southern Baptists who work for The Man as day traders. These views are fairly standard outside the right-wing fringe, and I feel pretty grounded in them. Stable. Well-researched. Bibliographed, with foot notes. On the other hand, this children and cats thing is a whole new paradigm.
In the hypothetical, I like children. A lot. They're quirky and original. Imaginitive. They pretend. They see day-to-day tasks as new and exciting, uncertain where reality ends. Enthusiasm and adventure. I was blindsided when I realized that I only find this charming in people sufficiently literate to realize and combat the machinations of The aforementioned Man. Kids don't. Most kids are going to sell out. Most kids sell out as soon as they possibly can. By second grade, they will all be drawing birds that look like "v"s. I don't like most people. Why would that change if they were small, loud, snotty, and savage?
To be sure, there has been a dramatic string of anti-child precedents. Throughout middle and high school, I forewent traditional babysitting in favor of kid-free jobs like housesitting and piano accompaniment. When teaching vacation bible school, I always chose 6th graders while everyone clamored for kindergardeners. I didn't even like children when I was one. From age two onward, I routinely beat up every kid in the neighborhood until such time as they developed language skills and some modicum of civilization.
None of this really came together for me until the recent adoption of a militant "no babies" platform, and what I have to wonder is this: what dread conspiracy tried to fool me into thinking that I liked and wanted children? Of, for that matter, cats - clawed furry children who never grow up. Biological imperative? Hardly. Strong suspicion must certainly fall upon The Man and His program of cultural brainwashing.
I say this to you, people of the world. I say this: I hate your children. But if they behave, I promise I'll give them gum and a spot on the monkey bars.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-18 02:31 pm (UTC)This all supports the "No Babies" platform that was instigated in this year of our lord 2003.