And now there's a hole in my car

[rinue]

If there's something that all this being sick has taught me, it's that I really hate children. And cats. Children and cats. I hate them.

Certainly, there are other things I hate, and hate more - dogs, for example. Southern Baptists. The Man. Southern Baptists who work for The Man. Day traders. Southern Baptists who work for The Man as day traders. These views are fairly standard outside the right-wing fringe, and I feel pretty grounded in them. Stable. Well-researched. Bibliographed, with foot notes. On the other hand, this children and cats thing is a whole new paradigm.

In the hypothetical, I like children. A lot. They're quirky and original. Imaginitive. They pretend. They see day-to-day tasks as new and exciting, uncertain where reality ends. Enthusiasm and adventure. I was blindsided when I realized that I only find this charming in people sufficiently literate to realize and combat the machinations of The aforementioned Man. Kids don't. Most kids are going to sell out. Most kids sell out as soon as they possibly can. By second grade, they will all be drawing birds that look like "v"s. I don't like most people. Why would that change if they were small, loud, snotty, and savage?

To be sure, there has been a dramatic string of anti-child precedents. Throughout middle and high school, I forewent traditional babysitting in favor of kid-free jobs like housesitting and piano accompaniment. When teaching vacation bible school, I always chose 6th graders while everyone clamored for kindergardeners. I didn't even like children when I was one. From age two onward, I routinely beat up every kid in the neighborhood until such time as they developed language skills and some modicum of civilization.

None of this really came together for me until the recent adoption of a militant "no babies" platform, and what I have to wonder is this: what dread conspiracy tried to fool me into thinking that I liked and wanted children? Of, for that matter, cats - clawed furry children who never grow up. Biological imperative? Hardly. Strong suspicion must certainly fall upon The Man and His program of cultural brainwashing.

I say this to you, people of the world. I say this: I hate your children. But if they behave, I promise I'll give them gum and a spot on the monkey bars.

Comments

[thanecawdor.livejournal.com]

Obviously this "hole" was caused by children. Commonly, when faced with this kind of problem, people tend to simply have more children. Perhaps they intend to use them top plug holes, but I fear that my experience leads me to believe that children would not be useful in this way. They tend to wander off and insist on things like food and water. Also, they don't normally respond well to being wedged into the now vacant window frame of Honda Civic Hatchbacks.

This all supports the "No Babies" platform that was instigated in this year of our lord 2003.

[jusheureux.livejournal.com]

I would very much like children. I would like two or three of them, and I would like them all to come with off switches and nylon carrying cases in which they can be safely tucked away after I've grown tired of them. So for myself, I'll just play with my cats until genetic engineering figures this out.