Status Update
Apr. 7th, 2002 03:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueHave worked very hard to overcome depression, and am doing bang-up job as am Zen Master. Is, however, house of cards. All it takes is one person letting me down or one thing going wrong, and I remember the "unfulfilled basic needs" list, which is growing.
Still don't have pants or a spiral notebook. Also don't have working deoderant, (keep stealing Val's,) a decent haircut, shoes, a working computer, underwear that isn't falling apart, a home, or the promise of a home. Moreover, I lack a social circle or a job. I have friends who like me, friends who admire me -- even friends who love me -- but no friends who need me. Not even Val includes me in her five year plans. I'm living on time borrowed from other people's lives.
I've been ill in one way or another for two months; my dojo thinks I'm dropping out. I have an eye infection, so that I can't wear makeup and I cry with every sunbeam, every breath of wind.
I don't have a clicker to get through the entry gate. I'm 30 miles from anything interesting. My car makes funny noises the mechanics can't figure out. Once I graduate, I will have no health insurance.
Nobody wants to have adventures with me, except maybe Delia or Patrick's girlfriend.
All my friends belong to other people.
I can't even sing for shit anymore.
I've spent the past few months saying "things will be better when summer comes; it's just the short run that kills me." Upon reevaluation, I have realized that it won't get more than marginally better when summer comes, I'll just be better able to ignore it. The short run has stretched to at least one year, more likely two, after which both Patrick and Arielle have discussed moving to New York with me -- which I don't actually believe they will, but which I believe just enough that I'm going to be shattered when it doesn't happen.
For once in my life, I want someone to make a promise and keep it. Just because castles are made of air doesn't mean they can't crush someone in the collapse.
As if all that wasn't enough, I seem to be developing an eating disorder. Food is not appealing to me, although I will eat what is placed in front of me. Sort of. I'll move it around at least. I'll eat off of other people's plates if I know they're completely done. Some vegetables are okay. Otherwise, the thought of consuming anything except fairly clear liquid makes me want to vomit, and has for days. I force myself to eat out of habit.
Still don't have pants or a spiral notebook. Also don't have working deoderant, (keep stealing Val's,) a decent haircut, shoes, a working computer, underwear that isn't falling apart, a home, or the promise of a home. Moreover, I lack a social circle or a job. I have friends who like me, friends who admire me -- even friends who love me -- but no friends who need me. Not even Val includes me in her five year plans. I'm living on time borrowed from other people's lives.
I've been ill in one way or another for two months; my dojo thinks I'm dropping out. I have an eye infection, so that I can't wear makeup and I cry with every sunbeam, every breath of wind.
I don't have a clicker to get through the entry gate. I'm 30 miles from anything interesting. My car makes funny noises the mechanics can't figure out. Once I graduate, I will have no health insurance.
Nobody wants to have adventures with me, except maybe Delia or Patrick's girlfriend.
All my friends belong to other people.
I can't even sing for shit anymore.
I've spent the past few months saying "things will be better when summer comes; it's just the short run that kills me." Upon reevaluation, I have realized that it won't get more than marginally better when summer comes, I'll just be better able to ignore it. The short run has stretched to at least one year, more likely two, after which both Patrick and Arielle have discussed moving to New York with me -- which I don't actually believe they will, but which I believe just enough that I'm going to be shattered when it doesn't happen.
For once in my life, I want someone to make a promise and keep it. Just because castles are made of air doesn't mean they can't crush someone in the collapse.
As if all that wasn't enough, I seem to be developing an eating disorder. Food is not appealing to me, although I will eat what is placed in front of me. Sort of. I'll move it around at least. I'll eat off of other people's plates if I know they're completely done. Some vegetables are okay. Otherwise, the thought of consuming anything except fairly clear liquid makes me want to vomit, and has for days. I force myself to eat out of habit.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-08 08:43 am (UTC)regardless of all of this, i have promised to come to see you in two weeks, and i will not allow anything to prevent me from keeping that promise! even if i have to walk!
(curiously enough, in 1993, i had a dream that i had to walk from downtown silver spring maryland (my home town) to waco to rescue my then-wife from the branch davidians. i was upset because i looked at my watch, realized it was 5 o'clock which meant i wouldn't be there before sundown and that she would be furious with me.
such are the dreams i had when i was on codeine.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-08 08:44 am (UTC)