Status Update

[rinue]

Have worked very hard to overcome depression, and am doing bang-up job as am Zen Master. Is, however, house of cards. All it takes is one person letting me down or one thing going wrong, and I remember the "unfulfilled basic needs" list, which is growing.

Still don't have pants or a spiral notebook. Also don't have working deoderant, (keep stealing Val's,) a decent haircut, shoes, a working computer, underwear that isn't falling apart, a home, or the promise of a home. Moreover, I lack a social circle or a job. I have friends who like me, friends who admire me -- even friends who love me -- but no friends who need me. Not even Val includes me in her five year plans. I'm living on time borrowed from other people's lives.

I've been ill in one way or another for two months; my dojo thinks I'm dropping out. I have an eye infection, so that I can't wear makeup and I cry with every sunbeam, every breath of wind.

I don't have a clicker to get through the entry gate. I'm 30 miles from anything interesting. My car makes funny noises the mechanics can't figure out. Once I graduate, I will have no health insurance.

Nobody wants to have adventures with me, except maybe Delia or Patrick's girlfriend.

All my friends belong to other people.

I can't even sing for shit anymore.

I've spent the past few months saying "things will be better when summer comes; it's just the short run that kills me." Upon reevaluation, I have realized that it won't get more than marginally better when summer comes, I'll just be better able to ignore it. The short run has stretched to at least one year, more likely two, after which both Patrick and Arielle have discussed moving to New York with me -- which I don't actually believe they will, but which I believe just enough that I'm going to be shattered when it doesn't happen.

For once in my life, I want someone to make a promise and keep it. Just because castles are made of air doesn't mean they can't crush someone in the collapse.

As if all that wasn't enough, I seem to be developing an eating disorder. Food is not appealing to me, although I will eat what is placed in front of me. Sort of. I'll move it around at least. I'll eat off of other people's plates if I know they're completely done. Some vegetables are okay. Otherwise, the thought of consuming anything except fairly clear liquid makes me want to vomit, and has for days. I force myself to eat out of habit.

Comments

[khirsah.livejournal.com]

to some small extent, I know how you feel. ::hugs and pets:: and I'm still pining away, hoping you decide to move to Penn to be with me and Dee. and if not, *do* move to NY and we'll be within a short commute. :) and have you considered having a seamstress make you some pants?

[rinue.livejournal.com]

That actually is one of those "marginally better" aspects of summer -- when I move back to Clinton House, I'll be living across the street from a professional tailor. Also, Patrick has started scouring costume closets.

And, BTW, the "close to Dee/Smeg/Khirsah in Penn" aspect was already one of the reasons I think the NY move sounds promising.

-Romie

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

Hey wait.
*scribbles into five year plan*
Romie... er... somehow.
...
It'll all pan out somehow?

blar

[(Anonymous)]

firstly blaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After all my efferts to come down and visit you (granted they failed) but still blar..................ok thats anof of that, at any rate I'v desided that your just gonna have to come up and visit me, I feel a pie fight is in the air, you are the wip cream kid (mmmmmmmmm pie)well at any rate, Iv wrighten you a song to clear your dreary dispotiion it's caled "firstly blar" and gose the tune of saling saling over the ocean blue
Romie romie depresed and sad is she
she is sad beacuse shes left alone in misary
Romie romie it'll all be ok
a pie figth is a bruen and happy we all shal be

aaaaarrrr tis a piaraty song arg. well, i'm tecnicly in wood shop right now, and try as i might I can't figure out how to make a comp out of wood, so i must be going. But I'v been giving this hole thing some thought and come to the conclusion, that the blunt of all your problems is this hole lake of eating thing. Seems youve forgoten that your a piarate and have come down with a nasty case of scervy, all you need are some lemons and your be all set, also aaaaaarrrrrrrr more, youl be right as rain in a few days........damn pirates don't like rain hhhhhmmm, youl be right as pilaging in no time.
arg i LOVE YOU call me next time your docked, your piraty sister rel the red

[tommx.livejournal.com]

the sentence "i'm living on time borrowed from other people's lives" is frighteningly familiar to me. unfortunately, i've also found that having the wrong people needing me is worse than having no one need me.

regardless of all of this, i have promised to come to see you in two weeks, and i will not allow anything to prevent me from keeping that promise! even if i have to walk!

(curiously enough, in 1993, i had a dream that i had to walk from downtown silver spring maryland (my home town) to waco to rescue my then-wife from the branch davidians. i was upset because i looked at my watch, realized it was 5 o'clock which meant i wouldn't be there before sundown and that she would be furious with me.

such are the dreams i had when i was on codeine.

[tommx.livejournal.com]

) (i hate unclosed parenthesis and realized i'd failed to close the ones in the previous post. a thousand abject apologies)