My Own Deal With the Devil Would Be Small (but I think out of his reach)

[rinue]

I make films because I'm uncommonly good at it and think it's a valuable use of time; I do not particularly enjoy the process or find it makes me happy, even though the film community is largely more accepting of my particular personality tics than other professional fields might be. (I'm not even really an outlier.) This puts me in the company of a long list of directors, notably including Kubrick and Hitchcock. It is possibly more common among successful "name" directors to feel the way I do than otherwise.

The film is nearly finished and looking very good; I think it is likely to do well. This gives me no notable pleasure, although it spares me from being angry. I'm fairly depressed and weighing whether I want to become an air traffic controller instead of a filmmaker, since this is also a job to which I'm constitutionally well suited and which contributes to the wellbeing of society. I don't think I would find it especially satisfying, which maybe defeats the point. But perhaps it would be a way of not feeling like this again. This I don't like at all. It would maybe be worth a smaller life to not feel this. It is hard to pick a next step when you have no purpose.

Comments

[bevjunior]

in a way, a not necessarily obvious at this time because filmmaking has thus far been not primarily a self-reimbursing venture, but in a way, it is merely a job. and jobs in and of themselves primarily serve the purpose of affording us the ability to spend our time not at our jobs in ways that make us happy. i imagine that the process of making a film a few months at a time, and then being able to revel and reflect after the fact of making the film for a few months (these being the only tasks in our lives in this hypothetical scenario) would make the process more enjoyable because there would be time to enjoy it.

i feel like i have seen you take great joy in the work of filmmaking. at some point. certainly i feel like i have seen you go through the motions of taking great joy in the work of filmmaking and it may be that which is coloring my perception of this set of admittedly complex emotions you are traversing.

which is to say (and you should feel no burden to elaborate on the subject): i'm not sure i understand what version of sad you feel or why you are feeling it.

know that i am concerned and feel that you should definitely not cease to be a filmmaker and although air-traffic controller may be a better "job" for you than your current day job i don't really see it as a 1:1 with filmmaking. maybe?

i'm sorry you are sad.

[rinue]

It's possible more money and the free time that comes with money would help, the having time to recover from the work of filmmaking instead of having two full-time jobs (and three part-time jobs, but that's another issue). I could go to museums and things, which I like.

I do enjoy teaching - I like being able to mentor people in film and I also like being able to show non-filmmakers things they haven't seen and then to discuss them, either just to talk about the stories we've just seen or the way they're put together or the nature of art at large. And my portfolio gives me access to that and generally gives me credibility.

In general, it is nice to see people when they are happy, and in my experience people are happy when they are learning things.

[valancy_jane]

Sometimes being who you are is right without feeling good. That is, it would feel wrong if you weren't, but it can be exhausting hard work to be right, especially when you have to get up at 5am to squeeze it in before work. (That's me, but I digress.)

I have never known a time when you were not writing or making films. One of my earliest memories of spending time with you was when we were creating some kind of play with a bunch of people. I barely knew you. I think it was the first time I had even gone to your house. Anyhow, I kept overdoing it, the character, a bad child actor, because - and I remember this very clearly - no one ever got it when I didn't overdo it, so I didn't think I could be smart and subtle with stories or acting because people wouldn't get it. And you stopped and looked at me like I was crazy when I started playing the character and you gently said, no, no, she's not like that. And I forget how you said it exactly, but you told me to be subtle, and that you'd still get it. You were a director even then.

love you.

[knaveofstaves]

I get in those moods a lot too. They pass. Comes with the territory.

Which you probably already realized, what with you being awesome and all.