Go away

[rinue]

Having a lot of trouble believing anything I say or produce means anything to anybody (Val excepted) or even finding there is a point to my thinking about things, since my thoughts are probably not interesting or relevant to people other than me. I depend so much on Ciro these days, and he seems angry at me a lot of the time.* It seems to me I am valued sometimes by virtue of being a person, but not necessarily as the specific person I am, and that the fact that I am me instead of someone else gets in the way more than functioning as an enhancement.

I don't think I want to speak to anyone any more, or to show people the things I do or do not do. I think I would maybe like to be alone for a very long time, and maybe I will keep producing things, but I don't think anyone gets to know about them, or at least not anybody who has ever met me.

It is hard to tell from the way I am writing, but things are not bad in that I am in a comfortable place and there is not tension with me and my family and I enjoy my work, both in terms of art and in terms of survival job. I just don't want to have to have any awareness of me at all, or to be seen by anyone. It remains to be seen whether I will continue to post here, or elsewhere, or at all, or here with comments turned off, or here with significant filters.

* I am not making a comment one way or the other whether this is justified or appropriate

Comments

[oddment]

I like you for what I think of as very Romie-specific reasons; in fact if I manage to post this it will because you often post to me when I am writing about how I hate everyone and it strikes me as braver than reasoning that it is a horrible idea to say anything. (I like everyone I like for pretty particular person-specific reasons.) A lot of how I feel like I am responding to your writing right now is sort of obscure for stupid reasons though, because I feel foolish speculating about how I'm going to set up the new apartment and maybe-studio space before I'm sure I'll be able to, and hate talking about stuff I'm working on when it's at a stage where it might turn into a disaster and never be presentable and therefore anything I say about it now is potentially just annoying speculation (I am working on a design which amuses me primarily because I think you particularly might either think it's so stupid or think it's funny). Most of my responses to things haven't been really verbal lately, and I'm not sure there is much other way to express that I do care about what you say and often find myself feeling like I am almost in a dialogue with your writing here, only the way I am trying to talk is much too slow.

Not unrelatedly, your entry about wordless thoughts kind of hit home with me, and the story you mentioned reminded me of a radiolab podcast called "words" that referenced a similar story, only it is one of the few podcasts I didn't finish because something in the tone of it bothered me a lot (it was possibly too much about the speech therapist as saviour and not much about the man's experience of getting symbolic language as an adult, maybe, and I found that frustrating) so I was hesitant to mention it if you have not seen it yet. (I liked the Malcolm Gladwell shorter one though. It made me feel kinda cheery; it is about love being the key to exceptional achievement. http://www.radiolab.org/blogs/radiolab-blog/2010/jul/26/secrets-of-success/)

I would miss your posts, but I don't think that is a good reason for you to keep posting if it's not good for you, and I would like you to be okay primarily, and feel better. I hope I didn't upset you more with my timing or what I said, since my intention had been sort of the opposite. It's hard to know what to say and how to say it and whether to do so, even though I feel like I've been through similar feelings, and I wish I had a better grasp on how to be more supportive through it. It feels lonely over here on dreamwidth, and I don't know if that plays into this or not, or if it even feels that way to you, or if it would be an appropriate thing for me to try to help with if it is.

(Also, everyone's life is different. You don't make my life harder by having a different set of problems than I do, or a different context for the stuff you're dealing with right now, and I was being a jerk if I managed to imply it, regardless of my state of mind at the time. Take care okay?)

[rinue]

You didn't say anything that upset me or trigger anything. My not wanting to post was totally unrelated to my journal or anything online; it was related to feeling awkward in conversation and not knowing how far that extended and how horrible it is to be afraid every second you're being tedious and/or offensive and not able to notice it.

I think I did catch part of that radiolab podcast in the car subsequent to reading about the man, and it did bother me. Or maybe . . . I don't think I did hear it. I think in an unrelated conversation my sister narrated it to me. I am interested in the Malcolm Gladwell piece; I find him thoroughly comforting and feel fairly fierce when he is criticized, even in situations where he might have gotten things wrong, because he seems like a smart guy trying to work things out for the good of everyone and hooray.

[rinue]

I am touched by this, although it is not what I was getting at and I don't want it to seem like "oh I will throw a fit about leaving to see if anyone cares" which was emphatically not happening. But these are all very nice things to say and I think I understand what you mean.