Go away

[rinue]

Having a lot of trouble believing anything I say or produce means anything to anybody (Val excepted) or even finding there is a point to my thinking about things, since my thoughts are probably not interesting or relevant to people other than me. I depend so much on Ciro these days, and he seems angry at me a lot of the time.* It seems to me I am valued sometimes by virtue of being a person, but not necessarily as the specific person I am, and that the fact that I am me instead of someone else gets in the way more than functioning as an enhancement.

I don't think I want to speak to anyone any more, or to show people the things I do or do not do. I think I would maybe like to be alone for a very long time, and maybe I will keep producing things, but I don't think anyone gets to know about them, or at least not anybody who has ever met me.

It is hard to tell from the way I am writing, but things are not bad in that I am in a comfortable place and there is not tension with me and my family and I enjoy my work, both in terms of art and in terms of survival job. I just don't want to have to have any awareness of me at all, or to be seen by anyone. It remains to be seen whether I will continue to post here, or elsewhere, or at all, or here with comments turned off, or here with significant filters.

* I am not making a comment one way or the other whether this is justified or appropriate