No Reward Is Worth This
Oct. 13th, 2010 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueI am facing a relationship drama which in its simplest form boils down to this: my husband's boss called me two days ago to yell at me for something he did. Complication 1: She is a friend who has been a somewhat parental figure to him, and is someone I usually like a lot. Complication 2: I side with my husband not because he's my husband and not because some generational divide about what is and is not professional behavior (which is what the boss is primed to assume, as I know from the details disclosed in the getting yelled at process), but because she is angry about the disclosure of confidential information that he had no reason to believe was confidential.
It turns out she signed security agreements with the state department and then misrepresented that work as little and simple academic work she was doing to help a friend. There was never mention of any kind of NDA or security clearance, leaving Ciro (and me, since I do the same work) with the default: be warm and discrete and don't plagiarize or reveal anything that might be a trade secret. Which is not the same thing as "admit to no one you have ever seen these things or it might cause an international incident." I don't believe it will cause an international incident, but that was the level of freakout I was subjected to. I know I sometimes use hyperbole, but this is not one of those times.
In any case, I am very angry. I am angry that I was yelled at as a proxy for someone else. I am angry that I was asked to pass this dressing down along to my husband. I am angry that the blame is being placed on my husband, who is now embarrassed, when I feel he was set up. I am angry that I was placed in a security-clearance-level position without being warned or compensated. I am angry at having my and his actions reduced to "generational differences," obscuring what I actually find unreasonable.
I believe that if I made these things clear, I might get an apology. I also believe this apology would make no difference and that next time there is panic generated by her disorganization and Ciro can't be reached, I will get the high-pressure phone call. This is turning into another Uncle Rex situation, and that is not acceptable.
I do not think that Ciro is likely to break ties, which makes it basically impossible for me to break ties. I don't even think anyone would take my side. But I am left with so much anger that the idea of doing any work with this person or even being in the same room or reading an e-mail is repulsive. Which is rough, because I said I would do some work on Friday. I guess that means I break contract?
Otherwise, today I tested my equipment to go remote, as a prelude to setting up my office in Boston. Yesterday, someone brought in a bright green cake with a black skull and crossbones on it, and I ate a piece even though the cake itself was clearly warning me not to. Merlin, Ciro, and I also collaborated to find Ciro's phone, which was recovered from deep within Merlin's couch cushions.
It turns out she signed security agreements with the state department and then misrepresented that work as little and simple academic work she was doing to help a friend. There was never mention of any kind of NDA or security clearance, leaving Ciro (and me, since I do the same work) with the default: be warm and discrete and don't plagiarize or reveal anything that might be a trade secret. Which is not the same thing as "admit to no one you have ever seen these things or it might cause an international incident." I don't believe it will cause an international incident, but that was the level of freakout I was subjected to. I know I sometimes use hyperbole, but this is not one of those times.
In any case, I am very angry. I am angry that I was yelled at as a proxy for someone else. I am angry that I was asked to pass this dressing down along to my husband. I am angry that the blame is being placed on my husband, who is now embarrassed, when I feel he was set up. I am angry that I was placed in a security-clearance-level position without being warned or compensated. I am angry at having my and his actions reduced to "generational differences," obscuring what I actually find unreasonable.
I believe that if I made these things clear, I might get an apology. I also believe this apology would make no difference and that next time there is panic generated by her disorganization and Ciro can't be reached, I will get the high-pressure phone call. This is turning into another Uncle Rex situation, and that is not acceptable.
I do not think that Ciro is likely to break ties, which makes it basically impossible for me to break ties. I don't even think anyone would take my side. But I am left with so much anger that the idea of doing any work with this person or even being in the same room or reading an e-mail is repulsive. Which is rough, because I said I would do some work on Friday. I guess that means I break contract?
Otherwise, today I tested my equipment to go remote, as a prelude to setting up my office in Boston. Yesterday, someone brought in a bright green cake with a black skull and crossbones on it, and I ate a piece even though the cake itself was clearly warning me not to. Merlin, Ciro, and I also collaborated to find Ciro's phone, which was recovered from deep within Merlin's couch cushions.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-14 04:35 pm (UTC)It's tricky working for a friend, and I've been burned by it in the past. In this particular case, though, it is unambiguous that she does not get to treat a couple as an indivisible unit professionally; you can do it socially but not otherwise.
If you let it go, you're tacitly saying it is okay, and giving her permission to repeat. If you don't let it go, you have a chance of stopping it.