No Reward Is Worth This
Oct. 13th, 2010 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueI am facing a relationship drama which in its simplest form boils down to this: my husband's boss called me two days ago to yell at me for something he did. Complication 1: She is a friend who has been a somewhat parental figure to him, and is someone I usually like a lot. Complication 2: I side with my husband not because he's my husband and not because some generational divide about what is and is not professional behavior (which is what the boss is primed to assume, as I know from the details disclosed in the getting yelled at process), but because she is angry about the disclosure of confidential information that he had no reason to believe was confidential.
It turns out she signed security agreements with the state department and then misrepresented that work as little and simple academic work she was doing to help a friend. There was never mention of any kind of NDA or security clearance, leaving Ciro (and me, since I do the same work) with the default: be warm and discrete and don't plagiarize or reveal anything that might be a trade secret. Which is not the same thing as "admit to no one you have ever seen these things or it might cause an international incident." I don't believe it will cause an international incident, but that was the level of freakout I was subjected to. I know I sometimes use hyperbole, but this is not one of those times.
In any case, I am very angry. I am angry that I was yelled at as a proxy for someone else. I am angry that I was asked to pass this dressing down along to my husband. I am angry that the blame is being placed on my husband, who is now embarrassed, when I feel he was set up. I am angry that I was placed in a security-clearance-level position without being warned or compensated. I am angry at having my and his actions reduced to "generational differences," obscuring what I actually find unreasonable.
I believe that if I made these things clear, I might get an apology. I also believe this apology would make no difference and that next time there is panic generated by her disorganization and Ciro can't be reached, I will get the high-pressure phone call. This is turning into another Uncle Rex situation, and that is not acceptable.
I do not think that Ciro is likely to break ties, which makes it basically impossible for me to break ties. I don't even think anyone would take my side. But I am left with so much anger that the idea of doing any work with this person or even being in the same room or reading an e-mail is repulsive. Which is rough, because I said I would do some work on Friday. I guess that means I break contract?
Otherwise, today I tested my equipment to go remote, as a prelude to setting up my office in Boston. Yesterday, someone brought in a bright green cake with a black skull and crossbones on it, and I ate a piece even though the cake itself was clearly warning me not to. Merlin, Ciro, and I also collaborated to find Ciro's phone, which was recovered from deep within Merlin's couch cushions.
It turns out she signed security agreements with the state department and then misrepresented that work as little and simple academic work she was doing to help a friend. There was never mention of any kind of NDA or security clearance, leaving Ciro (and me, since I do the same work) with the default: be warm and discrete and don't plagiarize or reveal anything that might be a trade secret. Which is not the same thing as "admit to no one you have ever seen these things or it might cause an international incident." I don't believe it will cause an international incident, but that was the level of freakout I was subjected to. I know I sometimes use hyperbole, but this is not one of those times.
In any case, I am very angry. I am angry that I was yelled at as a proxy for someone else. I am angry that I was asked to pass this dressing down along to my husband. I am angry that the blame is being placed on my husband, who is now embarrassed, when I feel he was set up. I am angry that I was placed in a security-clearance-level position without being warned or compensated. I am angry at having my and his actions reduced to "generational differences," obscuring what I actually find unreasonable.
I believe that if I made these things clear, I might get an apology. I also believe this apology would make no difference and that next time there is panic generated by her disorganization and Ciro can't be reached, I will get the high-pressure phone call. This is turning into another Uncle Rex situation, and that is not acceptable.
I do not think that Ciro is likely to break ties, which makes it basically impossible for me to break ties. I don't even think anyone would take my side. But I am left with so much anger that the idea of doing any work with this person or even being in the same room or reading an e-mail is repulsive. Which is rough, because I said I would do some work on Friday. I guess that means I break contract?
Otherwise, today I tested my equipment to go remote, as a prelude to setting up my office in Boston. Yesterday, someone brought in a bright green cake with a black skull and crossbones on it, and I ate a piece even though the cake itself was clearly warning me not to. Merlin, Ciro, and I also collaborated to find Ciro's phone, which was recovered from deep within Merlin's couch cushions.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-14 02:34 am (UTC)That said, these things can be less... rigid than some make them out to be. Unless Ciro had access to information which he, e.g., passes on and is used to kill someone or harm the interests of the United States, he needn't worry, and the boss should chill and be more explicit about the expectations.
The boss yelling at an employee's spouse instead of the employee is not going to end well for anyone.
ETA: If you have a written contract to perform work, then you should perform your work to spec and keep all interactions on a professional level. If the boss wants to talk about your spouse, you can deflect that politely with "I don't know, you'd have to talk to him" and "That is his business, really, not mine" varieties of phrasing. Don't let her draw you into a discussion of someone else's job performance, especially not your spouse.
I hate drama like that.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-14 05:30 am (UTC)I have no written contract and could walk away at basically any point and be free and clear. The trouble is more the quasi-parental relationship between this person and Ciro. I mean, this is somebody I like a lot. Basically, I'm clearly in the right here across the board, and I don't think anyone would disagree with me, but I think probably most people would say "oh, just let it go," and I kind of agree with them given that most of the time things are great and I understand that she was freaking out and not in her right mind . . . only I really can't get past this in any way and can't imagine something changing that would make it easier for me to get past this, including a large amount of time passing. It was just . . . really, really bad judgement that made me feel like I was not being seen as a person.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-14 12:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-14 04:35 pm (UTC)It's tricky working for a friend, and I've been burned by it in the past. In this particular case, though, it is unambiguous that she does not get to treat a couple as an indivisible unit professionally; you can do it socially but not otherwise.
If you let it go, you're tacitly saying it is okay, and giving her permission to repeat. If you don't let it go, you have a chance of stopping it.
BOUNDARIES
Date: 2010-10-14 04:33 pm (UTC)Other than that, though, even if you were in the wrong, calling somebody to complain about her husband's behavior at work? NOT ON. NOT ON AT ALL.
I've been in situations where complaining would do no good as far as changing behavior, and this may well be one of them. That said, though, if you focus explicitly on one behavior you want changed -- and for me, that would be "Do not chew me out for issues you have with my husband" -- you *might* get a change, and you would at least then be able to say "Boss, I am not continuing this call because it is unprofessional" and hang up.