bizzare halloween reaction

Death terror is still strange to me. I spent my entire life knowing I would die, and being okay with it, and then two years ago I abruptly stopped being able to handle it. Maybe it is the sudden onset of linearity - the clear and obvious before-and-after in my emotional life. All I know is it panics me to think of endings, suddenly and without fail. I don't want anyone to die anymore. I can't heal about it. Even if they're old. This makes it difficult to be involved in death with dignity movements, which I deeply support. At least I can manage people having died - it already happened. But deaths in the future? My death, sometime? I can't allow it. No more death. Not even to save other people. Not even if it's thoroughly documented. No more dying by anyone.

Not that anyone has died, but that would be okay. The problem is that some of you will die. I'm saying no. Even if all of you agree you will all die in a staggered and eventual way, no. Even if you negotiate it to where you all die except one of you, miraculously - it's not good enough. Nor will I be assuaged by death costumes and funeral food.

I do think there should be pumpkin pie.