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rinueI feel awful. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Now. Probably most of the coming week. I don't know how to deal with it anymore, except in the most superficial ways. I'm having trouble writing, although when I do write it's fairly good - it's just that doing it seems pointless.
I feel good some of the time, and loved most of the time - not just by Ciro, but by a number of people in my class, and by some strangers. As a result of the work I've been doing, I have the kind of reputation almost everyone wants: as someone diligent, organized, and perceptive. People want to work with me; people want to hang out with me; people want to see the work I've done without them; people mull over even my rejected and uncompleted scripts. The class has taken me to its bosom in a way I didn't expect, and for which I am deeply thankful. When I focus on that or am surrounded by it, I don't feel peaceful, but neither am I terrified about the future.
Other times, I am. I don't have any idea how I'm going to pay off my loans after this. I don't know how to get regular paid work. I understand that I need to make friends with skillfull, connected people - which is easy for me, because they're the type of people I naturally like: confident, articulate and talented. I know that I need to do good work on films to build up a reel - which is easy because I like working on films and am in an environment where many are being made. The steps after that, I don't understand. I know there are festivals, but not what's worth sending to them, or how to exploit that exposure. I don't have the slightest idea what reasonable pay looks like. I don't have wealthy friends or a connection at a studio.
My documentary proposal was rejected, which hurt me much more than I thought it would. I'm used to rejections; among other things, I frequenly run afoul of the Blink problem - people don't tend to realize how much they like what I've said until hours, days, or months after I've said it. In snap decisions, I will always be told no. That's not something I know how to overcome. It means that in one sense I'm doing everything right - creating complex, original, thought provoking work which is building me a relatively passionate following. Nobody asks any more whether I'm an editor or cameraperson; I'm assumed to be a director foremost.
But I'm pessimistic about my chances of directing a film any time in the next year - any time a script panel has a say. The same originality, guts, and unusual perspective that would make you want to watch a film of mine in the first place also mean that without context a stranger won't immediately be able to imagine the film, no matter how well or how carefully I describe it. And if they can't instantly "see" it, it must not be filmic, and Romie why don't you write this as an essay instead, you're a great writer.
I know the fucking difference between a movie and a short story.
I feel good some of the time, and loved most of the time - not just by Ciro, but by a number of people in my class, and by some strangers. As a result of the work I've been doing, I have the kind of reputation almost everyone wants: as someone diligent, organized, and perceptive. People want to work with me; people want to hang out with me; people want to see the work I've done without them; people mull over even my rejected and uncompleted scripts. The class has taken me to its bosom in a way I didn't expect, and for which I am deeply thankful. When I focus on that or am surrounded by it, I don't feel peaceful, but neither am I terrified about the future.
Other times, I am. I don't have any idea how I'm going to pay off my loans after this. I don't know how to get regular paid work. I understand that I need to make friends with skillfull, connected people - which is easy for me, because they're the type of people I naturally like: confident, articulate and talented. I know that I need to do good work on films to build up a reel - which is easy because I like working on films and am in an environment where many are being made. The steps after that, I don't understand. I know there are festivals, but not what's worth sending to them, or how to exploit that exposure. I don't have the slightest idea what reasonable pay looks like. I don't have wealthy friends or a connection at a studio.
My documentary proposal was rejected, which hurt me much more than I thought it would. I'm used to rejections; among other things, I frequenly run afoul of the Blink problem - people don't tend to realize how much they like what I've said until hours, days, or months after I've said it. In snap decisions, I will always be told no. That's not something I know how to overcome. It means that in one sense I'm doing everything right - creating complex, original, thought provoking work which is building me a relatively passionate following. Nobody asks any more whether I'm an editor or cameraperson; I'm assumed to be a director foremost.
But I'm pessimistic about my chances of directing a film any time in the next year - any time a script panel has a say. The same originality, guts, and unusual perspective that would make you want to watch a film of mine in the first place also mean that without context a stranger won't immediately be able to imagine the film, no matter how well or how carefully I describe it. And if they can't instantly "see" it, it must not be filmic, and Romie why don't you write this as an essay instead, you're a great writer.
I know the fucking difference between a movie and a short story.
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Re: Art.
Date: 2007-09-22 12:59 pm (UTC)Re: Art.
Date: 2007-09-22 01:57 pm (UTC)Stupid directors... tricking me into thinking they were like artists...
-Bluezy Bunny
Re: Art.
Date: 2007-09-22 02:28 pm (UTC)Re: Art.
Date: 2007-09-22 04:52 pm (UTC)Well, if that's how it works for movies, and movies is your goal (and why shouldn't it be?) then go do that instead... go find yourself a rich guy to produce stuff! Bring a whip if you have to!
It kinda sucks that there are so many artist and director wannabes that they dilute those of us who are actually dedicated and good at what we do and don't just believe it's easy money. I think that's been the main problem, and seeing all the crappy movies that have come out and cost millions of dollars to make only helps to confirm my suspicions... "The Game Plan" indeed...
-Bluezy Bunny