First Person Who Suggests Therapy is Unfriended

[rinue]

I feel awful. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Now. Probably most of the coming week. I don't know how to deal with it anymore, except in the most superficial ways. I'm having trouble writing, although when I do write it's fairly good - it's just that doing it seems pointless.

I feel good some of the time, and loved most of the time - not just by Ciro, but by a number of people in my class, and by some strangers. As a result of the work I've been doing, I have the kind of reputation almost everyone wants: as someone diligent, organized, and perceptive. People want to work with me; people want to hang out with me; people want to see the work I've done without them; people mull over even my rejected and uncompleted scripts. The class has taken me to its bosom in a way I didn't expect, and for which I am deeply thankful. When I focus on that or am surrounded by it, I don't feel peaceful, but neither am I terrified about the future.

Other times, I am. I don't have any idea how I'm going to pay off my loans after this. I don't know how to get regular paid work. I understand that I need to make friends with skillfull, connected people - which is easy for me, because they're the type of people I naturally like: confident, articulate and talented. I know that I need to do good work on films to build up a reel - which is easy because I like working on films and am in an environment where many are being made. The steps after that, I don't understand. I know there are festivals, but not what's worth sending to them, or how to exploit that exposure. I don't have the slightest idea what reasonable pay looks like. I don't have wealthy friends or a connection at a studio.

My documentary proposal was rejected, which hurt me much more than I thought it would. I'm used to rejections; among other things, I frequenly run afoul of the Blink problem - people don't tend to realize how much they like what I've said until hours, days, or months after I've said it. In snap decisions, I will always be told no. That's not something I know how to overcome. It means that in one sense I'm doing everything right - creating complex, original, thought provoking work which is building me a relatively passionate following. Nobody asks any more whether I'm an editor or cameraperson; I'm assumed to be a director foremost.

But I'm pessimistic about my chances of directing a film any time in the next year - any time a script panel has a say. The same originality, guts, and unusual perspective that would make you want to watch a film of mine in the first place also mean that without context a stranger won't immediately be able to imagine the film, no matter how well or how carefully I describe it. And if they can't instantly "see" it, it must not be filmic, and Romie why don't you write this as an essay instead, you're a great writer.

I know the fucking difference between a movie and a short story.

Comments

Art.

[bluezybunny.livejournal.com]

Like with all art, the next step is to put together your portfolio and then send it off to as many people as you're willing to work for.

-Bluezy Bunny

Re: Art.

[rinue.livejournal.com]

One assumes. But directors don't exactly work for people, in the normal run of things.

Re: Art.

[bluezybunny.livejournal.com]

I thought directors worked for producers?

Stupid directors... tricking me into thinking they were like artists...

-Bluezy Bunny

Re: Art.

[rinue.livejournal.com]

You're probably thinking back to the old Hollywood studio system, in which it did work about that way. Any more, teams just kind of form from who is around, and it might be the concept or the script or the star or the director or anything whatsoever which attracts the funding - after the project gets money behind it, you fill out your team with whoever is missing. Usually a project originates with either a producer or a director, or from a director/producer team, and they figure out some way to get money from investors. (Sometimes these investors are then given producer credits, but that's mostly a vanity thing.) Now a days, there are a lot more directors looking for producers than producers looking for directors - unless you're talking television, which works differently from film.

Re: Art.

[bluezybunny.livejournal.com]

Actually, I was talking television. I didn't realize movies worked so differently. i lernt sumfin nu!

Well, if that's how it works for movies, and movies is your goal (and why shouldn't it be?) then go do that instead... go find yourself a rich guy to produce stuff! Bring a whip if you have to!

It kinda sucks that there are so many artist and director wannabes that they dilute those of us who are actually dedicated and good at what we do and don't just believe it's easy money. I think that's been the main problem, and seeing all the crappy movies that have come out and cost millions of dollars to make only helps to confirm my suspicions... "The Game Plan" indeed...

-Bluezy Bunny

[pinkheadriot.livejournal.com]

I don't suggest therapy.. more of a vacation. It will get better, I promise. Fuck anyone who doesn't like or understand what you are doing.. its not up to them what makes you who you are, and your creativity is your own. So, yeah, fuck that! (Sorry, groggy wisdom teeth writing) May I ask you a favor? What is your addy there? I want to send you something:)

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

I don't think therapy would be a good solution, as this sounds to me like situational grief. By that, I mean you have things going on right now which are producing an unhappiness response. Its perfectly normal to be unhappy when unhappy things happen. That said, I've found that with the financial questions, you have to stop and look at them differently. Can you do anything about them right now? Nope. Ergo, there is no reason to expend energy on them right now. Worry about them when they become an issue, in the future. By then, you may be in a totally different position.

Regarding the 'blink' problem, try to arrange to present ideas in such a way as to open them to formative discussion. Solicit instant feedback in a forum setting, so all can be involved and discuss with you WHY they don't like it. This discussion, and your responses, might push them past the blink point. Also, see if you can present something, perhaps in writing, in advance, so that when they have to actually make their decision, they've had time to mull. Preempt the blink.

Lastly, and this might be difficult in your current location, get more sun and exercise. I have personally found that 20 minutes of exercise and sunshine improves my mood dramatically, which then allows my emotional 'buffer' to better handle stress and disappointment.

[rinue.livejournal.com]

I definitely agree with you about the sun and exercize - I walk everywhere, which comes out to three or four miles on a normal day, and if I'm feeling really bad I try to invent an errand I need to do right then so that I can walk around a little more. Sun is certainly tough; I'm in London in September. But I do what I can, and it helps. I'm going to start standing outside for cigarette breaks even though I don't smoke, just to be outside that little amount more and see if it helps.

You're right about the financial issue too; I need to just let it go. Normally I'm good about that, but when I'm freaking out it always automatically comes back - sort of like how when you're already stressed then you get a zit which makes you more stressed? I used to have this problem where if I was especially nervous about an audition, I'd get a weird allergic reaction where one of my eyes would swell shut. My body tries to undermine me at the worst of times.

As far as the Blink thing, I'm working on it - I'm just going to need help to work on it. I don't actually know whether I'm allowed to give out scripts beforehand, but I'm trying to find out. I've also written to a few of my teachers for suggestions and so they know what I'm going through. I might start collaborating with another student who is on first impression the exact opposite of me, but who is actually someone I get along with - we get excited by the same ideas. Maybe we could counteract each other, or at least make people think twice. I'll also need to think about campaining for my scripts with the other students well before the presentation - I'm not traditionally very good at that, but with the right people behind me I think I could pull it off. I've pretty much spent all day writing e-mails and so now I'm feeling better because at least I'm being proactive.

Even with all of that, a lot of this is going to keep happening, because a lot of it I don't have any control over. And that sucks. I'm trying to adapt what I can, though.

[rinue.livejournal.com]

Oh, and the "no therapy" thing is because of the sheer number of times I've said "I am very sad about this specific thing or set of things that I don't know how to fix" and certain people (basically the same people every time) say "oh, we're worried about you, these deep sadnesses, shouldn't they be medicated?" Same people basically every time. And it's clear that it's because they love me and want to know I'm okay, but I wanted to pre-empt it from the get go because it's obviously not the solution here. As a title, it's a little bit haughty, and I get that.

[(Anonymous)]

That's awful. On the upside, the people who have worked with you are clearly going to continue the spread of your good reputation - which is what people look for. I don't think you're as far away from that key connection as you think you are.

[valancy.livejournal.com]

That was me, darn it. Stupid lj.