rinue | Do As You Mayo

Clearly, my life is facing a mayonnaise shortage, and I must figure out ways to increase my mayo-consumption from none to two cups every five days. Perhaps I could begin using mayonnaise as a spackle or finishing agent; perhaps even a sculpting material. It may make an excellent face mask, or an alternative fuel source.

I shall become the George Washington Carver of condiments, seeking out every possible use for the whitish substance. This will be my life's meaning, the torch that I carry for the next generation. A thousand years from now, as children pedal their mayonnaise-powered bicycles, they will think on me and shed mayonnaise-saturated tears. This is my cross to bear.

After all, what I really want is for my canned tuna not to be dry, such that I may make a tuna sandwich. Who can do such a thing without mayonnaise? Likewise, who would buy a jar of mayonnaise when she is about to leave town for a month and a half - and could not use the full jar in that time even were she home? Obviously, I have misunderstood something fundamental about mayonnaise consumption and reasonable serving sizes. But no longer will I look the fool. Watch for me in my new line of mayo-derived clothing.