The Many Injuries of Romie
Apr. 6th, 2003 03:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueAfter another day of experience and consideration, I am forced to conclude that I did not get my arms back. Instead, my body decided to join my arms wherever they were, pushing me ever so slightly out of phase. Not only is my stomach terminally upset, but everything in the house seems to have shifted two inches to the left. I'll walk you through the day:
/MORNING. ROMIE wakes up./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
/LATER./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
/In the EVENING./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
PATRICK: Tornado!!! Hurry!! Get under cover!!!!
/In the ensuing RACE to the LAUNDRY ROOM, ROMIE bangs her LEFT KNEE but good, leaving an instant and apparent PURPLE BRUISE./
ROMIE: Ow. My knee and my stomach hurt.
PATRICK: Okay, no more tornado. May I pick you up?
ROMIE: You're going to drop me.
PATRICK: I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
ROMIE: No, you are, I can see it in your eyes. You're going to drop me on my head.
PATRICK: I can't believe you would say such a thing.
/PATRICK picks ROMIE up, then drops her on her HEAD./
ROMIE: Ow. My head and knee and stomach hurts. Patrick, I'm going to kick the shit out of you.
PATRICK: Try me.
/CUT TO: MARTIAL ARTS MONTAGE. It should be NOTED that ROMIE doesn't actually want to HURT PATRICK, merely to STRIKE HIM about the HEAD and MIDSECTION in order to prove some kind of POINT and is in fact TELEGRAPHING all of her PUNCHES. Patrick takes things slightly more SERIOUSLY and when he makes a very fast DODGE while Romie is in the middle of a SNAP KICK, Romie's PREVIOUSLY INJURED LEFT KNEE gives out, causing her RIGHT FOOT to shear the WALL. This is particularly BAD because Romie was DELIBERATELY holding her foot in an IMPROPER KICKING POSITION so as not to do any actual damage to PATRICK, who she LOVES even though he dropped her on her HEAD./
ROMIE: Ow. My foot and head and knee and stomach hurt. Also, I can no longer walk because it is too painful.
PATRICK: Oh baby! I'm so sorry! This is all my fault!
ROMIE: Yes, that is true, you heartless bastard. You hate me because I am free, and you seek to crush my spirit with your demon legions.
PATRICK: Please let me make it up to you by carrying you to a nice soft armchair and providing you with tea and oatmeal raisin cookies.
ROMIE: Do you intend to drop me on my head again?
PATRICK: No. Definitely "no".
ROMIE: Promise?
PATRICK: Yes, my poor injured darling.
ROMIE: Okay.
/PATRICK immediately slams ROMIE into a DOORFRAME, shearing a large swath of SKIN off her now-bruised LEFT ARM./
ROMIE: Ow. My arm and foot and head and knee and stomach hurts. I hate you.
PATRICK: Look at it this way:
ROMIE: Yes?
PATRICK: Look at -
ROMIE: Yes?
PATRICK: it
ROMIE: You didn't -
PATRICK: No, I didn't in fact drop you on your head.
ROMIE: I'm going to hobble to bed and cry quietly to myself as I am no longer functional other than my right hand which I am now forced to use as my major gestural communications tool.
/ROMIE's RIGHT HAND makes ILLUSTRATIVE GESTURES which may or may not be INSULTING./
ROMIE: Are you coming to bed?
PATRICK: Unfortunately, due to the trepidation I feel thanks to your many injuries, I can no longer find you physically appealing or remotely arousing, so I don't really see what the point would be. Sorry.
ROMIE: Oh. Okay.
/ROMIE turns out the LIGHT. A TORNADO unexpectedly touches down and destroys the HOUSE while simultaneously relocating a herd of CATTLE to the old LOCATION. PATRICK enters a FUGUE STATE and is found several months later as a BOATMAN in ZANZIBAR./
So I think the major point of this story is: never feed a kangaroo bananas. Although it might seem like a good idea at the time, there is no question that it will inevitably lead to heartache.
/MORNING. ROMIE wakes up./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
/LATER./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
/In the EVENING./
ROMIE: Ow. My stomach hurts.
PATRICK: Tornado!!! Hurry!! Get under cover!!!!
/In the ensuing RACE to the LAUNDRY ROOM, ROMIE bangs her LEFT KNEE but good, leaving an instant and apparent PURPLE BRUISE./
ROMIE: Ow. My knee and my stomach hurt.
PATRICK: Okay, no more tornado. May I pick you up?
ROMIE: You're going to drop me.
PATRICK: I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
ROMIE: No, you are, I can see it in your eyes. You're going to drop me on my head.
PATRICK: I can't believe you would say such a thing.
/PATRICK picks ROMIE up, then drops her on her HEAD./
ROMIE: Ow. My head and knee and stomach hurts. Patrick, I'm going to kick the shit out of you.
PATRICK: Try me.
/CUT TO: MARTIAL ARTS MONTAGE. It should be NOTED that ROMIE doesn't actually want to HURT PATRICK, merely to STRIKE HIM about the HEAD and MIDSECTION in order to prove some kind of POINT and is in fact TELEGRAPHING all of her PUNCHES. Patrick takes things slightly more SERIOUSLY and when he makes a very fast DODGE while Romie is in the middle of a SNAP KICK, Romie's PREVIOUSLY INJURED LEFT KNEE gives out, causing her RIGHT FOOT to shear the WALL. This is particularly BAD because Romie was DELIBERATELY holding her foot in an IMPROPER KICKING POSITION so as not to do any actual damage to PATRICK, who she LOVES even though he dropped her on her HEAD./
ROMIE: Ow. My foot and head and knee and stomach hurt. Also, I can no longer walk because it is too painful.
PATRICK: Oh baby! I'm so sorry! This is all my fault!
ROMIE: Yes, that is true, you heartless bastard. You hate me because I am free, and you seek to crush my spirit with your demon legions.
PATRICK: Please let me make it up to you by carrying you to a nice soft armchair and providing you with tea and oatmeal raisin cookies.
ROMIE: Do you intend to drop me on my head again?
PATRICK: No. Definitely "no".
ROMIE: Promise?
PATRICK: Yes, my poor injured darling.
ROMIE: Okay.
/PATRICK immediately slams ROMIE into a DOORFRAME, shearing a large swath of SKIN off her now-bruised LEFT ARM./
ROMIE: Ow. My arm and foot and head and knee and stomach hurts. I hate you.
PATRICK: Look at it this way:
ROMIE: Yes?
PATRICK: Look at -
ROMIE: Yes?
PATRICK: it
ROMIE: You didn't -
PATRICK: No, I didn't in fact drop you on your head.
ROMIE: I'm going to hobble to bed and cry quietly to myself as I am no longer functional other than my right hand which I am now forced to use as my major gestural communications tool.
/ROMIE's RIGHT HAND makes ILLUSTRATIVE GESTURES which may or may not be INSULTING./
ROMIE: Are you coming to bed?
PATRICK: Unfortunately, due to the trepidation I feel thanks to your many injuries, I can no longer find you physically appealing or remotely arousing, so I don't really see what the point would be. Sorry.
ROMIE: Oh. Okay.
/ROMIE turns out the LIGHT. A TORNADO unexpectedly touches down and destroys the HOUSE while simultaneously relocating a herd of CATTLE to the old LOCATION. PATRICK enters a FUGUE STATE and is found several months later as a BOATMAN in ZANZIBAR./
So I think the major point of this story is: never feed a kangaroo bananas. Although it might seem like a good idea at the time, there is no question that it will inevitably lead to heartache.
