Marvin

[rinue]

You know, it's really not uncommon for me to be incredibly angry at the majority of my friends at any given time. To be sure, it is an anger which arises from frustration, which stems from love -- the same love which prevents me from telling them You fucking bastard, do you have any idea how much you have inconvenienced me so that I'm sitting here in a towel because I have no clothes and I'm scrubbing the bottom of your stove which you left for me to clean up and it's not like I'll ever reach you on the phone anyway, even to leave a message, and I've been doing all this for you, you know, the planning things which you've just taken off the schedule although you requested them and I haven't even eaten lunch yet because I was getting things ready, things which you would have misinterpreted anyway, and don't talk to me about love because I'm sick of it.

I have no idea how common this sort of internal monologue is to other people, (with the exception of Patrick,) but it seems like my primary leitmotif, especially during the summer. In point of fact, I dramatically changed my personality and internal decision-making process a few years ago so that I would (a) not be the one planning things, and (b) not really give a damn whether my friends got what they wanted, simply so that I wouldn't have to regularly watch the destruction of hours of nuanced detail work.

Still, I get fairly angry when people don't arrive on time for events they set the schedule for -- or decide not to show up at all.

I get really angry when I'm late, which is ironic when you realize that I've been at least ten minutes late to everything I've done this year despite my thousand preventative preparations. It's like a big FUCK YOU from God.

You: Jesus Fuck, Romie! Why don't you just tell people when you're pissed off with them?

Romie: I do. Usually. I just do it in such a way that the narrative flow isn't disrupted.

You: I don't even know what you mean by that.

Romie: Look, I'm basically compassionate.

You: So?

Romie: So when people screw me over, I can generally see how their behavior is justified. Of course, I also see how they're screwing me over.

You: Yeah, but how do they unless you tell them?

Romie: They wouldn't get it anyway.

You: You're horribly elitist sometimes.

Romie: You wound me.

You: So now you're angry at me, too?

Romie: Probably. See how my telling you didn't change your antagonistic behavior?

You: You are one passive-agressive, vindictive, and inherently logical woman.

Romie: Just be glad I'm not active-agressive.

You: Fuck this. /leaves/

Romie: And usually, I'm angry because I know you're hurt.


And there are bubbles in my stomach, and the skin between my toes is dry and in five more minutes I will clean the grill in a blue towel and blue rubber gloves, and when you arrive I will smile the smile meant for two hours ago.

Comments

[jenchan.livejournal.com]

....how mildly disturbing. O.o From this entry, you seem to have a thought/reaction process that's almost identical to mine. ^_^;;; I feel sorry for you. I always end up seeing people's points of views, so I can be angry but I never hate anyone because I can understand why they do the things they do. And I always make myself act all... cheerful... -.-;;; Hmm.

I think you have more anger than I do though. ^_^; I sort of misplaced my anger a year ago and now I only get brief bouts of it.

I think that internal monologue is normal for most people? But I only know that myself and most my friends do it. ^_^;; I usually have two or three (or more) other voices join in the mental discussion though. O.o

I get it too....

[ixchelmala.livejournal.com]

I have a roommmate (who is also my best friend) that lives in my front room she shares the space with her 4yr old daughter. They are great and fine.... it's when the baby whines really load or worse when the baby is away and our mutual friends are over that when they do spend the night they suddenly become new fuck buddies in the place I live in, where I pay for every thing.....

Yes, I have the same kind of inner dialogs all the time.

Granted, the communication with her is the best I've had with anyone, and after I'm done ranting on lj, I usually tell her what's up and we talk it out.... sometimes over days.... I'm glad she and I have the patience for it,.... then again we have the 4yr old that keeps us on our toes.

The only real difference I can see now from 3 years ago is that I don't carry around the damn crap with me as long as I used to anymore.

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

Ha ha.
You were cleaning the grease tray in a towel.
I laughed myself to sleep last night thinking about it Romie. OH the good times we have shared :P