Overflow Dam
Apr. 17th, 2002 07:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueI think that I have just reached my maximum mental capacity, because I am currently unable to attend to anything. It's quite amazing that I can write, because I can't read, nor can I understand anything that's being said to me.
I am currently holding down 21 credit hours. In the next 3 weeks, I have to write 4 papers, give 3 speeches, and take 2 "midterms" just in time for 6 finals.
None of these are difficult, other than the "lack of time" factor. That, and not having my computer. (Nor having reliable access to Val's computer given her manic study schedule, aside from its not having my files.)
On top of all this, my father believes that I should be looking for a job and researching health and auto insurance.
Gotta say: Not going to happen, Dad.
I'm not flipping out, or at least I wasn't flipping out until I stopped being able to focus on anything. I can only hope that it's (a) an effect of the drugs, and (b) a short-term memory problem that will resolve in a few hours when my brain does a data dump.
(This data dump is something I am trying to force by writing. Theoretically, it could spill out onto the page. I mean, it's not as though I'm planning these sentences ahead of time. They'd be much more eloquent.)
In French today, we were assigned a paper on our "dream family" -- when we want to be married, how many kids we want to have, what we want our house to be like. . . I think this may be what triggered the sudden and dramatic stress reaction, even though I successfully begged off the topic. Nobody should ever ask me a question like that, because it will trigger a mild nervous breakdown. Just in general, asking me what I want is a bad idea.
Another factor may be dehydration. I'm drinking as much water as ever, but its effect is limited; my metabolism has spiked again. It's gotten to where I'm forced to take a hiatus from vegetarianism because I cannot get sufficient calories without the inclusion of animal products in my diet. Despite eating considerably more food -- and fattier food -- I am continuing to lose weight. If anybody makes a sarcastic "oh, poor you" comment at this point, I will track her down and splinter her jaw. It is not a good thing. I am already too skinny, and I do not have the time to eat more meals than I do currently.
It is possible that "save the world" is an unreasonable career goal. It would be a great relief to me if somebody else was willing and capable of doing it first, but I've never found this to be the case. It occurs to me that I shall have to distribute fliers whilst on the $500 Road Trip.
Part Two: 7.48 PM
I have continued to skirt nervous breakdowns for the remainder of the day. My heart has been racing almost constantly. Possibly this is stress; possibly this is the medication. I do not know which one would be worse, although I can hopefully get rid of the medication soon. (This is largely wishful thinking giving the persistent continuity of my cough.)
I made a brilliant speech in Communications about the degree to which our lives are controlled by corporations and how disturbing this is when you think about it. Several faces went gray. People flocked to me afterward. The TA asked if she could consider the use of my statements about "schwag tribes" for her thesis.
Kung Fu was dreadful, because I still cannot focus. Plus there was the racing heart and the dehydration. I had to sit out of fully half of class. The instructor was worried. I'm worried. I also had to work really hard not to dissolve into tears several times even though I wasn't upset about anything. "Histamines," I say. "Histamines."
I am under too fucking much stress.
I feel I should take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Chad, who is currently the bright spot in my universe. Not only is he following the dream against all obstacles, but he is effectively the only person not making demands upon me at the moment. I also find it very inspiring that he's relatively happy and stress-free. I would appreciate it if everyone would briefly remove their hands from the keyboard for a moment in a salute to Chad.
Excellent.
I am currently holding down 21 credit hours. In the next 3 weeks, I have to write 4 papers, give 3 speeches, and take 2 "midterms" just in time for 6 finals.
None of these are difficult, other than the "lack of time" factor. That, and not having my computer. (Nor having reliable access to Val's computer given her manic study schedule, aside from its not having my files.)
On top of all this, my father believes that I should be looking for a job and researching health and auto insurance.
Gotta say: Not going to happen, Dad.
I'm not flipping out, or at least I wasn't flipping out until I stopped being able to focus on anything. I can only hope that it's (a) an effect of the drugs, and (b) a short-term memory problem that will resolve in a few hours when my brain does a data dump.
(This data dump is something I am trying to force by writing. Theoretically, it could spill out onto the page. I mean, it's not as though I'm planning these sentences ahead of time. They'd be much more eloquent.)
In French today, we were assigned a paper on our "dream family" -- when we want to be married, how many kids we want to have, what we want our house to be like. . . I think this may be what triggered the sudden and dramatic stress reaction, even though I successfully begged off the topic. Nobody should ever ask me a question like that, because it will trigger a mild nervous breakdown. Just in general, asking me what I want is a bad idea.
Another factor may be dehydration. I'm drinking as much water as ever, but its effect is limited; my metabolism has spiked again. It's gotten to where I'm forced to take a hiatus from vegetarianism because I cannot get sufficient calories without the inclusion of animal products in my diet. Despite eating considerably more food -- and fattier food -- I am continuing to lose weight. If anybody makes a sarcastic "oh, poor you" comment at this point, I will track her down and splinter her jaw. It is not a good thing. I am already too skinny, and I do not have the time to eat more meals than I do currently.
It is possible that "save the world" is an unreasonable career goal. It would be a great relief to me if somebody else was willing and capable of doing it first, but I've never found this to be the case. It occurs to me that I shall have to distribute fliers whilst on the $500 Road Trip.
Part Two: 7.48 PM
I have continued to skirt nervous breakdowns for the remainder of the day. My heart has been racing almost constantly. Possibly this is stress; possibly this is the medication. I do not know which one would be worse, although I can hopefully get rid of the medication soon. (This is largely wishful thinking giving the persistent continuity of my cough.)
I made a brilliant speech in Communications about the degree to which our lives are controlled by corporations and how disturbing this is when you think about it. Several faces went gray. People flocked to me afterward. The TA asked if she could consider the use of my statements about "schwag tribes" for her thesis.
Kung Fu was dreadful, because I still cannot focus. Plus there was the racing heart and the dehydration. I had to sit out of fully half of class. The instructor was worried. I'm worried. I also had to work really hard not to dissolve into tears several times even though I wasn't upset about anything. "Histamines," I say. "Histamines."
I am under too fucking much stress.
I feel I should take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Chad, who is currently the bright spot in my universe. Not only is he following the dream against all obstacles, but he is effectively the only person not making demands upon me at the moment. I also find it very inspiring that he's relatively happy and stress-free. I would appreciate it if everyone would briefly remove their hands from the keyboard for a moment in a salute to Chad.
Excellent.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-17 08:24 pm (UTC)Damn those histamines. And the medicine, too, while I'm at it.
*salutes Chad*0
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-17 11:07 pm (UTC)I am impressed that you did not reach capacity much sooner, but you never cease to amaze me. You have a power and resolve that most people only dream of. The downside of this dreamlike power that you have is that your troubles trap you in a world of surreal tensions caused by both the earthly and the spititual. You are torn between these two worlds. You are a fissure or fault or great mountain; unmoving, yet constantly shaken by powerful forces from seperate worlds. I do not envy you your position. I can offer you little comfort, but what comfort I can give is your's.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-18 07:30 am (UTC)-Romie
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-18 07:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-18 07:58 am (UTC)loVe,
Romie
(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-18 08:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-04-18 01:11 pm (UTC)