Cognitive Dissonance

[rinue]

It's really fucking difficult being a feminist.

I'm coming at that from an interesting position, because aside from being a feminist, I'm anti-baptist living in the South, anti-corporate, anti-mainstream, and fairly vocally a queer. (I know it's hard to tell on that last one, given that the last several people I've dated have been male, but that's because I already have a wife, and one is enough, thank you. This does not change the underlying fact that I find women attractive.)

I've practiced Judaism, and within that, I've been anti-Zionist. My general philosophy is contrarian, and I generally argue the minority position. I'm from Oak Cliff, and I'm white; I live in Texas, and I don't speak even passable Spanish. (I can say "my dog is green," "you're stupider than a donkey," and "this is a robbery.") In a time of hyper-patriots, I've verged on violently anti-American.

None of these tendencies, and none of these labels, has ever gotten me anywhere near the same amount of flak as the term "feminist." Talk about rock and hard place. Socialization is against you. Men are against you. Women are against you. Even other feminists are usually against you.

"Feminist" has become as distasteful a term as "nigger."

Thing is, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing most of the time. The Romie Exception saves me more often than not, but not in my own head. I've decided recently to try a more feminine appearance, simply because you can't be androgynous if you spend all your time being masculine. (Also, I can't find any trousers, so this has a practical application.) I like skirts; I always have. I like shoes with a bit of a heel because the added height makes me feel more powerful.

I know that I haven't sold out. I know that I'm dressing up because I enjoy it. But it brings up that same unsolvable problem: by presenting an image of semi-traditional femininity, does that mean that I'm reclaiming it, or that I'm furthering the belief that it is the only way?

I know that I haven't sold out. That's the second time I've used that sentence in this entry. It's hard. I have a hard time with looking good. A really hard time. See, I'm pretty, but I'm also smart. Very smart. Society has the idea that you can't be both. I was fine until 6th grade, and puberty, when the other girls pulled me aside and told me that I either had to stop wearing dresses or stop talking up in class. I wore jeans and t-shirts for about 7 years after that -- especially if they were too big. I gained weight so that I wouldn't be perceived as so much of a threat -- and so that I couldn't be mistaken as someone who valued boys above philosophy.

I'm better now -- somewhat better -- because I live with Valancy, who is always beautiful and always intelligent. (People give her a hard time about it too.) Patrick has noted that I tend to surround myself with beautiful women, and I have one word for him: camoflage.

That's actually unfair and mostly untrue, but I enjoy being glib from time to time.

All I know is that I'm in good shape now. I'm in good shape, because I'm in Kung-Fu. I am, in fact, one of two female yellowbelts in the entire school -- one of five female non-whitebelts. Thing is, people who see me walk by don't know that. Other women look at me with disdain and even anger for being one of the "skinny girls" who happens to conform to a social norm. Even worse are the ones who just sigh and hate themselves. And it isn't as though I can stop and explain to everyone I pass that I'm not trying to marginalize them.

I feel guilty for looking good. Guilty and manipulative and shallow.

But then, I feel guilty when I look bad, because I'm not using my power to its full advantage, and I'm denying a part of who I am.

Worst of all, I come off as a whiny white girl either way.

I do surround myself with beautiful women. They're the ones with enough self-confidence to be my friends -- beautiful, extremely intelligent, and quirky. They're also more likely to be artistic, because of this confidence. (Weirdly, I don't have the same issues with their being beautiful as I do with my being beautiful; when it comes to people other than myself, I view beauty as a trait/skill on the same level as logical thinking or musical aptitude -- one that should neither be over or under valued.) When I'm not around them, I'm with computer geeks and/or music geeks, because they don't care as much about appearance.

I think I need to stop here, because otherwise I'll run in rhetorical circles indefinitely.

Comments

[tommx.livejournal.com]

entries like this make me look forward to next weekend even more than i alread am.

:-D

[phatgirlfics.livejournal.com]

Romie, I think one of the problems is your location - despite living in a big city, it is very conservative. This wouldn't be an issue in a larger, more cospmopolitan place - with urban sophistication comes a willingness to accept the fact that any woman can be feminist despite her appearance.

Don't sweat the looking-feminine/acting-feminist thing. I gave it up a long time ago, in favour of dressing however the hell I wanted to while still speaking up about my beliefs and values. It works slightly better that way, I find; when people say "I didn't expect you to be a feminist," I can reply "What the fuck do you expect a feminist to be, you fucking patriarchal arse-shite?"

(Or words to that effect.)

The point is, I can work from home, be supported by my husband, desperately want babies, and *still* be a feminist. It's all about choices, and people have to understand that we don't need to be army-booted short-haired militants in order to be feminists.

Just be yourself, hunnybuns. It will all work out.

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

"I feel guilty for looking good. Guilty and manipulative and shallow."
HAWAAAAAHAAAAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
OOOHOOHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!
hoohoo... hehe... ohh... ah... that's funny.
Seriously though folks, I feel just fine that you look good.
The real truth of the matter I would say lies in that you're worried that you're getting branded. This is, in my opinion, the real loss of status and power.
Once you worry about being called a feminist, or looked down upon just because you were born a certain way, your freedom is limited.
you have to cut them off at the pass.

[ailei.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, feminism. I'd call myself a fairly rabid feminist. But I have also received a great deal of flak about that from other women, on both sides of the idealogical fence. For my part, I believe the *true* soul of the feminist movement is love and acceptance of each other as women. Learning to see women as sisters, seeing the interconnectedness of our experiences. Feeling the pain of women far away as though it were our own. Supporting one another in our choices, whether they are 'stay home and raise my children' or 'go out and have a career' or 'all of the above, please'. It's *freedom* we should cherish above all else. The freedom *to* make those choices, not have them willfully imposed upon us by men. All the divisive bullshit should just fall into insignificance in deference to that freedom and its preservation. The monotheistic patriarchy has been imposing standards upon us for milennia that put us in situations where we are best served by being back-stabbing and devious and all those traits that have *become* supposedly 'intrinsic' to femininity. Poison is a woman's weapon, and all that.

I realize I have just exposed myself for the goddess-worshiping reincarnated-Celt I am. Oh, well.

Wow, lookit Ailei go on her soapbox. I'll just slink off it now.

[rinue.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I started to say some of those things, but I couldn't find the proper words. It drives me crazy that women are trained to be backstabbing. I mean, guys are competitive as hell, often insensitive, and frequently unrealistic, but they don't *backstab*. (Unless "they"=Patrick and we're playing a board game where that kind of thing is encouraged.) I think it may be part of the "find a man, quickly" mentality, or maybe trying to compete for parents' attention. Dunno.

-Romie

Miss Piggy is a Goddess

[deliamavis.livejournal.com]

Romie, you're beautiful. Dressed in burlap and horsehair, you're beautiful and you can minimize until you turn blue in the face and you'll still be beautiful. It's just you. And no matter how you look or dress or act people will covet what you have.

If you dress like a supermodel and having men slipping in their own drool as they follow you blindly down the street, just WAITING for you to blink in their direction, people will envy that and think you shallow.

If you shun and minimize your beauty, focussing on your brilliance, people wil envy you your intelligence and think you an egghead.

If you proclaim your feminism to the world and shout out it's indiginities and injustices, people will envy you your conviction and think you a butch lesbian.

If you keep your mouth shut and try not to rock the boat, people will envy your serenity and think you meek and helpless.

You can't win this one. Not by playing the game. The only way to win, is to stop playing and do whatever makes you happiest at the moment you decide to do it.

To quote Miss Piggy (who really is so much smarter than anyone gives her credit for): "If you've got it, flaunt it."

Dress gorgeously in skirts and heels and feel powerful. Argue and analyze and speak and feel brilliant. Do it at the same time and grin like a fool. People will wonder what you know that they don't.

I love you honey. *HUG* Feel better.

Love y'all,
Delia

[deche.livejournal.com]

so i wish i could write you a long entry with good advice and even better consolement, however, that is not my forte, and so therefore, all you get is this.

I love you romie. I love you how you are. it's a simple as that.

i still dream of days when you shall appear at my doorstep and wisk me away in one of your adventures (although I will probably only be able to handle one of them and be dropped back home before your next one)

however, i will always love you, near, far, and... yeah

whatever. ok this reply is crap.

bye

[valancy.livejournal.com]

Damn, sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how cool you are.

Thank you for putting it into words.

Delia's right. And Dee's amazing for saying something as sweet and perfect and right as I love you as you are. And Ailei *gets* it. Thank God for all you wonderful gorgeous people.

We'll beat down this patriarchal world. And next time, it'll occur to me to call Patrick to Yahoo you.

I love you madly.

[orangekoi.livejournal.com]

This is why I liked Legally Blonde. Not that I'd admit it in public, because I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to hate Reese Witherspoon.