Quality

[rinue]

Ciro and I were talking about our respective relationships with Ed and Val, and it occurred to me that the quality that makes a best friend is that they assume you know what you're talking about and work forward from there instead of questioning your data.

Comments

Re: Attentiveness

[rinue]

I read a very helpful suggestion in an advice column. The letter writer had increasing trouble getting along with her [could have been a him; letter didn't say, I've coin-flipped for a pronoun] father, who would use her weekly phone call to him to go off on two-hour far-right "I only watch Fox News" rants. She herself was conservative, and still couldn't handle all of the Obama birther conspiracy stuff, and the constant misquoting of statistics.

There was a quite long and useful response which was specific to the situation, but there was also a broader observation that part of the reason we have increasing trouble getting along with people of different beliefs is that our socializing is now very often based in talking - in phone calls and e-mails, or if you're in the same town having dinner. In that context, having different views is a really big deal, and you can't actually enjoy each other's company.

But there are ways to be companionable that don't involve talking, or at least not talking about real issues. You can silently and happily garden side by side. You can play cards together. You can bake. I might love going on hikes with somebody who points out interesting vegetation and tells stupid puns, may love working on their car with them, but may never want to talk to them on the phone. Something like this is probably the basis for C's friendship - it's a doing friendship, not a talking friendship.

I'd add that there's a reason for the etiquette rule about confining table talk to non-inflammatory topics (no politics, no child rearing, etc) exists for a reason, and I the one reason is so you can say "we don't talk about those things at table" when somebody's acting crazy without having to say "shut up you idiot." I'd also say you can often derail these conversations by instead asking questions about things like someone's childhood, favorite band, how their house renovations are going. Anything that forces them to think more flexibly and put their best selves forward - things that call on them to describe rather than proscribe.

Re: Attentiveness

[valancy_jane]

You're right about the relationship; I have often wondered how they could get along, but it is exactly that, a doing relationship. Normally I'm more skillfully redirecting conversations, but sometimes it seems the only things he will talk about are politics, religion, and items far too personal for me to want to hear about. Every parry seemed to fail, until finally I gave in in the hopes of rational conversation. Not my best move, alas.

(I was very impressed at how C handled it, I should note.)