![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinue[posted out of reflex; probably not something you want to read or that I want to have mentioned to me. It will make you feel bad, and I will feel bad for making you feel bad. Reading it back, I think at this point I can safely diagnose myself as depressed and assume my brain chemistry is distorting things and not allowing me to accurately evaluate what can and cannot be overcome, or for that matter past successes. I should probably delete it, except that since I wrote it I figure I'll let it stand.]
I am not someone who believes in intrinsic value of things. That's not a result of my economics degree, but it is why it was so easy for me to get it. I can't place a value on water, or gold, or electricity. I can only tell you how much it is worth to a particular person or group of people at a particular time. I can say something costs me an amount to make, and I can say whether or not I think it will be purchased for more than that. I can look at replacement costs. I can calculate depreciation; I can look at marginal utility.
This is kind of a suicide note, but I'm not going to kill myself because the replacement value of me is probably upwards of two million dollars, just factoring in education cost, earning potential, and the negative impact it would have on other people who rely on me for tasks.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't think I can be a writer or a filmmaker; I don't think I have a way of reaching the people I mean to reach, and if I do I don't know that they can understand what I'm trying to tell them. I feel this way despite marginal success in these fields. In a sense, it is the worst place to be in, because I do have things to lose but also don't have enough influence to demand things, so I neither have the strength of an outsider nor the strength of an insider. I also don't think I can raise a child to be more successful than me, and I don't think I can help my friends. I'm not a nihilist, so I think this does matter and is disappointing.
I don't have belief left that allows me to continue to produce work. I don't think it will sell. I don't think it will be seen. I can't say that it deserves to be, because I don't believe in "deserves." I can't say I do it for my own pleasure, because I don't. It doesn't please me. I don't enjoy the process of working very hard for nothing. I don't enjoy the process of finding something delightful and then discovering that I am the only one who thinks so. I don't trust myself with even the simple act of getting through a conversation.
I don't see the point of going on, other than the cost of not going on. Other people seem to like me as a behind the scenes person who smooths out problems, or as a teacher, but these are side effects and not objectives. I am not terribly interested in performing the wounded healer archetype. I am not interested in constantly rallying the troops for a battle I can't win; it seems false.
At this point, I don't know what I'm working toward, and I am not a person who can live a life without a purpose. I am not someone who can just "exist" and "be happy," because once again those are symptoms and not solutions. I am also not good at being happy. It is probably the area in which I am least talented. It would be like devoting my life to chin ups, which would strike me as wasteful rather than quixotic.
I don't have the slightest idea how to go on, other than in the simplest "body in a room" sense. I think even talking about it is just hurting people. I know there are people who like things I do, but of course they do. Those things are free and it's exciting to think you might know someone important. It's easy to like things when they don't cost you even the effort of finding them.
I don't know why today that is the day things that have gone on for a long time crossed over into being unbearable rather than simply disappointing. They just did.
I am not someone who believes in intrinsic value of things. That's not a result of my economics degree, but it is why it was so easy for me to get it. I can't place a value on water, or gold, or electricity. I can only tell you how much it is worth to a particular person or group of people at a particular time. I can say something costs me an amount to make, and I can say whether or not I think it will be purchased for more than that. I can look at replacement costs. I can calculate depreciation; I can look at marginal utility.
This is kind of a suicide note, but I'm not going to kill myself because the replacement value of me is probably upwards of two million dollars, just factoring in education cost, earning potential, and the negative impact it would have on other people who rely on me for tasks.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't think I can be a writer or a filmmaker; I don't think I have a way of reaching the people I mean to reach, and if I do I don't know that they can understand what I'm trying to tell them. I feel this way despite marginal success in these fields. In a sense, it is the worst place to be in, because I do have things to lose but also don't have enough influence to demand things, so I neither have the strength of an outsider nor the strength of an insider. I also don't think I can raise a child to be more successful than me, and I don't think I can help my friends. I'm not a nihilist, so I think this does matter and is disappointing.
I don't have belief left that allows me to continue to produce work. I don't think it will sell. I don't think it will be seen. I can't say that it deserves to be, because I don't believe in "deserves." I can't say I do it for my own pleasure, because I don't. It doesn't please me. I don't enjoy the process of working very hard for nothing. I don't enjoy the process of finding something delightful and then discovering that I am the only one who thinks so. I don't trust myself with even the simple act of getting through a conversation.
I don't see the point of going on, other than the cost of not going on. Other people seem to like me as a behind the scenes person who smooths out problems, or as a teacher, but these are side effects and not objectives. I am not terribly interested in performing the wounded healer archetype. I am not interested in constantly rallying the troops for a battle I can't win; it seems false.
At this point, I don't know what I'm working toward, and I am not a person who can live a life without a purpose. I am not someone who can just "exist" and "be happy," because once again those are symptoms and not solutions. I am also not good at being happy. It is probably the area in which I am least talented. It would be like devoting my life to chin ups, which would strike me as wasteful rather than quixotic.
I don't have the slightest idea how to go on, other than in the simplest "body in a room" sense. I think even talking about it is just hurting people. I know there are people who like things I do, but of course they do. Those things are free and it's exciting to think you might know someone important. It's easy to like things when they don't cost you even the effort of finding them.
I don't know why today that is the day things that have gone on for a long time crossed over into being unbearable rather than simply disappointing. They just did.
