Proustian Questionnaire

I do not recall what led me to decide to do this, although it was mere moments ago, but I have decided to answer the Vanity Fair variation on the Proust Questionnaire. (For the record, their online "interactive" version won't let you save your answers and makes facile and unsubstantiated comparisons in the hopes of selling you a book. Avoid it.)

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
To be celebrated for who I am and given the social and monetary support to continue my efforts. To be surrounded by people who are talented, capable, courteous, inventive, practical, comforting, delightful, diverse, and uplifting.

2. What is your greatest fear?
(a) millipedes. (b) that I will discover I am not useful to anyone and am in fact tedious and they are humoring me out of social obligation.

3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Duchamp, a bit. I have a lurking suspicion I would have done similar things given the opportunity.*

4. Which living person do you most admire?
Barack Obama.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Many of my emotions are frightening and hard to deal with, and I suspect I take them out on other people as well as giving myself psychosomatic illnesses.

6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Hubris.

7. What is your greatest extravagance?
Food. I hardly need to eat as well as I do.

8. On what occasion do you lie?
When someone asks me how I feel and I don't wish them to know.

9. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I have hollows under my eyes at all times.

10. When and where were you happiest?
When Ciro and I first got together and I was about to leave for film school, in his apartment.

11. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would have more faith.

12. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I would like my uncle to be well enough off I don't have to worry about him.

13. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I am still here. I continue to produce artwork that I believe has value.

14. If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Probably a dog. I don't especially like dogs, but I don't think I would get to be a person again, and I think I could use practice at being a pack animal.

15. What is your most treasured possession?
I care a good deal more about skills than possessions, although I enjoy the fine things I own. I quite like my coffee cup.

16. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Intervals of true anarchy, where there is no way to be safe or get ahead.

17. Who are your herores in real life?
Scientists who are joyful philosophers

18. What is it that you most dislike?
Being told about a horrible situation I can't affect at all

19. How would you like to die?
Quite old, still in good health, with my affairs settled and people ready to carry on after me.

20. What is your motto?
It gets better.

* The real answer to this question is "John Stuart Mill." It's not something I think about actively or strive for, but I never had to study his work because when tests happened I could just think "what would I say here, and how would I say it?" and that was the right answer. This was also a strategy employed by Val, Patrick, and Ciro. "Have I heard Romie talk about this topic?" I think this might be evidence that I invent a time machine in a few years. I didn't remember this while I was answering the questionnaire, but did remember a few days later. Duchamp sounds better, though.

No Reward Is Worth This

I am facing a relationship drama which in its simplest form boils down to this: my husband's boss called me two days ago to yell at me for something he did. Complication 1: She is a friend who has been a somewhat parental figure to him, and is someone I usually like a lot. Complication 2: I side with my husband not because he's my husband and not because some generational divide about what is and is not professional behavior (which is what the boss is primed to assume, as I know from the details disclosed in the getting yelled at process), but because she is angry about the disclosure of confidential information that he had no reason to believe was confidential.

It turns out she signed security agreements with the state department and then misrepresented that work as little and simple academic work she was doing to help a friend. There was never mention of any kind of NDA or security clearance, leaving Ciro (and me, since I do the same work) with the default: be warm and discrete and don't plagiarize or reveal anything that might be a trade secret. Which is not the same thing as "admit to no one you have ever seen these things or it might cause an international incident." I don't believe it will cause an international incident, but that was the level of freakout I was subjected to. I know I sometimes use hyperbole, but this is not one of those times.

In any case, I am very angry. I am angry that I was yelled at as a proxy for someone else. I am angry that I was asked to pass this dressing down along to my husband. I am angry that the blame is being placed on my husband, who is now embarrassed, when I feel he was set up. I am angry that I was placed in a security-clearance-level position without being warned or compensated. I am angry at having my and his actions reduced to "generational differences," obscuring what I actually find unreasonable.

I believe that if I made these things clear, I might get an apology. I also believe this apology would make no difference and that next time there is panic generated by her disorganization and Ciro can't be reached, I will get the high-pressure phone call. This is turning into another Uncle Rex situation, and that is not acceptable.

I do not think that Ciro is likely to break ties, which makes it basically impossible for me to break ties. I don't even think anyone would take my side. But I am left with so much anger that the idea of doing any work with this person or even being in the same room or reading an e-mail is repulsive. Which is rough, because I said I would do some work on Friday. I guess that means I break contract?

Otherwise, today I tested my equipment to go remote, as a prelude to setting up my office in Boston. Yesterday, someone brought in a bright green cake with a black skull and crossbones on it, and I ate a piece even though the cake itself was clearly warning me not to. Merlin, Ciro, and I also collaborated to find Ciro's phone, which was recovered from deep within Merlin's couch cushions.