![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Wall-to-Wall All The Time
Jun. 30th, 2010 07:23 pmMy hair has gotten overly shaggy in back, so I am wearing the hair at my neck nape in an inch-long ponytail, which means I somewhat resemble a British Naval Officer of a Certain Era.
I've been reading The Last Picture Show, and it's making me sad just like Ciro said it would. I don't understand how societies arise in which no one is happy and no one has a larger purpose, although such societies undoubtedly exist. But unless the earth itself is against you -- famine and disease -- I don't see how a group of people could decide on a system which doesn't have at least one or the other. The idea makes me sad and confused and frightened, like maybe there are walls of people out there I am not able to understand.
On the other hand, I am once again having unpleasant trouble in my own life, in that too many people want too many things from me and they are always emergencies. I feel guilty and anxious when I take time off for dinnner or to watch a half hour television show. I know people just want to show that I'm exciting and they trust me, but back off. Back off. Forever. I'm sure there are other people in the world with energy and the ability to put a sentence together, and maybe they couldn't do whatever it is as well as I could, but do you really need someone who can do what I do wasting time on this?
I'm getting paid well, but not nearly enough to have no space in my life to so much as get dressed slowly. Anyway, the money strikes me as fictional, since it all goes into student loans and doesn't make any change to the way I live my life day-to-day. From now on, I'm always going to insist on deadlines. Not sliding deadline, not "until it's done," but the real deadline, and I don't want to hear from anyone unless I miss turning in something I agreed to do. As it is, even when I'm working I'm worried about whatever work I'm not doing because I'm too busy with work. I wind up having to break my own deadlines for the film, which are notably more important to me.
I've been reading The Last Picture Show, and it's making me sad just like Ciro said it would. I don't understand how societies arise in which no one is happy and no one has a larger purpose, although such societies undoubtedly exist. But unless the earth itself is against you -- famine and disease -- I don't see how a group of people could decide on a system which doesn't have at least one or the other. The idea makes me sad and confused and frightened, like maybe there are walls of people out there I am not able to understand.
On the other hand, I am once again having unpleasant trouble in my own life, in that too many people want too many things from me and they are always emergencies. I feel guilty and anxious when I take time off for dinnner or to watch a half hour television show. I know people just want to show that I'm exciting and they trust me, but back off. Back off. Forever. I'm sure there are other people in the world with energy and the ability to put a sentence together, and maybe they couldn't do whatever it is as well as I could, but do you really need someone who can do what I do wasting time on this?
I'm getting paid well, but not nearly enough to have no space in my life to so much as get dressed slowly. Anyway, the money strikes me as fictional, since it all goes into student loans and doesn't make any change to the way I live my life day-to-day. From now on, I'm always going to insist on deadlines. Not sliding deadline, not "until it's done," but the real deadline, and I don't want to hear from anyone unless I miss turning in something I agreed to do. As it is, even when I'm working I'm worried about whatever work I'm not doing because I'm too busy with work. I wind up having to break my own deadlines for the film, which are notably more important to me.
