![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I hesitate to write much at the moment because I'm feeling pretty dark. I don't like to talk about how horrible it is to be apart from Ciro, because I'm sure it gets tedious. I've had too many people (not on lj) tell me that they've been through the same thing when in fact they haven't and I just take it as a sign that they don't want to hear any more. But, look, it's especially lonely to be missing someone who nobody around you has ever met, let alone seen you with to know what's absent.
Right now is the roughest time for me, because I have the maximum possible time distance before I see Ciro again. I've also been having a weekend, and those are always tough to fill. I hate this feeling that I'm trying to race through time, which I am - I'm doing cool stuff because boredom takes longer, but I'm not exactly enjoying any of it - it's just fodder for later conversations. I'm not, as they say, in the moment. And I don't like rushing through time because a lot of things are going to come too fast, like me being out of school and in horrible debt, and right about then needing to think about getting pregnant because otherwise risks of birth defects go up, and then needing to worry about everything in the world because kids do that. And I'd rather be able to be now for a couple of years at least. But now is too empty to hold time in.
It's worse than before because each before I've thought he would show up soon, or could show up if he needed to, but I don't know if he could even if I was hospitalized and I assume it'll be another year until we hear back from anywhere because why not? Every source I read said six to eight months, and we're closing in on a year and aren't anywhere near the end of the process. Or maybe we are; maybe it'll be settled next month. But then something else will just come up. And I can't fool myself anymore that I'm exploring or finding cool things that I can later show off to someone. Going to museums is just the equivalent of playing solitaire, although it makes for better copy.
I'm also very worried that when I show up at school tomorrow it will turn out I don't actually have any friends, which I'm already pretty convinced is true - people are fond but not friends, except maybe Birgitta and Hena. I've returned so many times to places where I expected a warm welcome only to find out everyone was kind of glad I'd been gone, or didn't want to expend any energy to reconnect. It probably won't go like that, even though it's gone like that a lot of times, including when I came back last time. And because I'm feeling bad about everything, I'm also feeling bad at everything, and like my life in general has perhaps been a waste.
Hopefully, I'll have something more pleasant to report tomorrow. At the very least, I'll have stuff to take up my time, and in the evenings, even though Skype is fouled up on my end, I still get to see Ciro, which is enough to make me relax. It must be something limbic. I guess this is why people like to have photos around.
Right now is the roughest time for me, because I have the maximum possible time distance before I see Ciro again. I've also been having a weekend, and those are always tough to fill. I hate this feeling that I'm trying to race through time, which I am - I'm doing cool stuff because boredom takes longer, but I'm not exactly enjoying any of it - it's just fodder for later conversations. I'm not, as they say, in the moment. And I don't like rushing through time because a lot of things are going to come too fast, like me being out of school and in horrible debt, and right about then needing to think about getting pregnant because otherwise risks of birth defects go up, and then needing to worry about everything in the world because kids do that. And I'd rather be able to be now for a couple of years at least. But now is too empty to hold time in.
It's worse than before because each before I've thought he would show up soon, or could show up if he needed to, but I don't know if he could even if I was hospitalized and I assume it'll be another year until we hear back from anywhere because why not? Every source I read said six to eight months, and we're closing in on a year and aren't anywhere near the end of the process. Or maybe we are; maybe it'll be settled next month. But then something else will just come up. And I can't fool myself anymore that I'm exploring or finding cool things that I can later show off to someone. Going to museums is just the equivalent of playing solitaire, although it makes for better copy.
I'm also very worried that when I show up at school tomorrow it will turn out I don't actually have any friends, which I'm already pretty convinced is true - people are fond but not friends, except maybe Birgitta and Hena. I've returned so many times to places where I expected a warm welcome only to find out everyone was kind of glad I'd been gone, or didn't want to expend any energy to reconnect. It probably won't go like that, even though it's gone like that a lot of times, including when I came back last time. And because I'm feeling bad about everything, I'm also feeling bad at everything, and like my life in general has perhaps been a waste.
Hopefully, I'll have something more pleasant to report tomorrow. At the very least, I'll have stuff to take up my time, and in the evenings, even though Skype is fouled up on my end, I still get to see Ciro, which is enough to make me relax. It must be something limbic. I guess this is why people like to have photos around.
