Breathing in the old style

It's been a difficult few days for social interactions. Des came out of the closet as female, which I know was difficult for him to do, and I don't know whether I said the right thing. It's probably not important - my acceptance of the matter was both nonessential and a forgone conclusion. It makes me think about funerals, or that Birgitta's mom is back in the hospital again and I don't know whether it's supportive or cruel to ask after her.

Ciro's hit the decision point on whether to move back to Dallas, with all the attendant difficulties of returning, and limbo, and questions of defeat. It's not my fault, and it is my fault, and I neither know how to make it better or how not to make it worse. Not talk about it, I guess.

I'm mad at Patrick, and I sent an e-mail expressing that I'm mad at Patrick, and I have no clue whether it was appropriate for me to do that. If it was Chad in the same situation, I'd have no trouble knowing. Even if it was REL. But with Patrick I think I'm meant to be supportive and nonjudgemental even though he's acting like an idiot I wouldn't give the time of day if he wasn't storing my stuff. It's embarassing. He's never been an adult, but at least he used to try.

The idea of going back to Dallas scares me, even just to visit. I want to see James and Chad, Summer, Angie, Ed & Ashley. I want to see Val, although I don't know how she's doing - I hear more from her sister. I don't want to see Uncle Rex, who keeps getting angrier. I don't want to see Patrick like he is now. I don't know how Jesse's doing; I don't know how Merlin is. Scarface survived a fight with a coyote; her ear's all torn.

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"Everything you've ever done you rationalize, you've given a
purpose. But the truth is you didn't have a fucking clue. You just
ran away. You weren't off to save the war, you just wanted to get out
of town and not deal with your friends or the responsibilities you
had chosen to take on before." - Hermione to Harry, HPSRPG

Striptease

These shoes are practically the only ones I wear anymore, brown walking shoes I bought about six months ago and polish assiduously. The socks, red with daises on them, say "he loves me/he loves me not." Mom gave them to me for Valentine's. Most of my socks are holiday socks, and most of them come from Mom. When I wear red socks, I think of Alexander McLaughlin, the pastor I grew up with, and the reason I understand Glaswegian accents.

The jacket, black with zippers, is Guess, but I found it at a clearance store while costume scouting with Mom. The jacket and the fact that it's Guess both make me think of Drew Barrymore's character in Charlie's Angels, and Drew Barrymore makes me think of Ashley (pinkheadriot). Mom had to alter the sleeves so they'd be shorter; my arms aren't really long enough for my height. I can never reach things on high shelves.

My belt used to be Patrick's, but hasn't been for years. We had to drill extra holes in it to make it fit.

The jeans are ripped to almost complete destruction. This was accidental. They used to be my sister's, and she wears jeans hard. And when they were too torn even for her, they passed to me. I wore them to a housewarming of Summer's years ago, and sat in the Elephant chair. There was a guy who kept hitting on me even though I was married, he was engaged, and he thought I was sleeping with Ciro. Now, of course, I am, and when I wear these jeans Ciro runs his hands up through the holes.

The shirt is a gray one that falls off my shoulders. Wearing it requires a lot of squirming and tugging throughout the day. It makes me think of Battlestar Galactica. I wore it at my going away tea party/birthday party. An old friend who hadn't seen me since high school said I'd changed completely. I said that no, I'd just figured out how to dress.

The panties I bought when I was with Rachel. Or did she buy them for me? I don't remember. Dark green ones, satin with a lace front panel. Higher end than what I usually wear, but it's nearly laundry day.

My bra is pale nude satin, identical to my black bra in all but color. The black bra is currently airing out; I went to a smoke-filled club last week and haven't gotten around to washing it. I prefer colored bras, but they're hard to find once you get past a C cup.

My lipstick is Clinique black honey. I picked it up just before I left Boston for London. The last time I wore it was a year ago, when Val made me up for another of Summer's housewarming parties, a hat party. My hat was a Russian submarine commander's. I went alone, but spent the evening with Merlin and Ciro. I always talked to Ciro at Summer's parties, even though we both more usually mingle. My first day back from another Boston trip, visiting my grandmother after my grandfather died. I looked more beautiful than I ever had. I stayed out late, drove the guys home, and went back to my apartment. Patrick and I decided to separate later that week, but I think of that party as when it happened.

This silver-and-green bracelet was LeAnne's; she picked it up on a photo shoot and gave it to Valancy. Val's allergic to most metals, so she gave it to me. Thing is, it's plastic.