Casablanca

I'm terrified right now. Not exaggerating. There are components of a "shock" reaction. At some point, ideally, I will write an entry and it will be brilliant, but right now I'm incapable. We're talking burn my social security card abandon my car fade into the woodwork afraid. I nearly said paranoid, only it's justified. You should be too.

I'm sorry; I can't function at the moment. I would drive to Nevada if it wasn't a full day away, just because I know Patrick would understand.

Casablanca (second ending)

Every person has a certain amount of noise in his head, at a varying level of alert. Some of it is individual:

-I am concerned about the status of the people I love.

Some is programmed:

-I need to be thin/pretty/wealthy/in love

Some is instinctive:

-I must consume food in order to live.

Different people have different noise, different loudness, different channels. In general, people are happier when they have less noise; most of us use books/movies/music to drown some of it out, and avoid discussions on topics that upset us.

This is called "rational behavior".

I am unable to say whether I usually have more or less noise than the general populace. I can say that I'm less good at drowning it out -- partly by choice, partly because of the way I was raised.

[Side note: I'm writing this entry by hand, and I've crossed out twice as much as I've left in. My brain is quailing to the point where I'm getting a headache; in order to write anything down, I have to go against a host of very powerful defense mechanisms. I'm not supposed to be writing this. It's hurting me. That's why this entry is not good -- I'm having to Not Say most of the things that must be said.]

Yesterday night, I got hit with a new layer of noise -- very loud, with an emotional component best termed extreme gibbering terror. I managed to cover it with news of my great uncle's death and a lot of tequila, but when that wore off it hit again. Hard. That was this morning's entry, with me sitting there for an hour, shivering with hugely dilated pupils.

I guess I shouldn't say "new layer," because it's been there for nearly a year now. It just got upgraded.

I'm sorry; I can't tell you much about why I'm so terrified without going back into it. I'm already shaking, and my ears are ringing, and my eyes are tearing. Look into it on your own. I mean it. TIPS. Homeland Defense. The Patriot Act. There's a lot more, both subtler and more insidious. Check alternative news sources. Talk to your friends.

I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid/reactionary/unreasonable/exaggerated, but FUCK YOU. I'm RIGHT. This is WORTH being this scared about, and everybody, including me, is underreacting. Not that we have any recourse.

Every day, our government becomes more totalitarian. And our companies, and our schools. And there's not going to be a revolution; the only way to collapse these things is from the outside, or economically, and America's too big for that. There's no action I can take to prevent it beyond what I already do. Which is very little.

I'm going to carry this noise with me for at least two years, at which time Patrick will graduate and I may be able to persuade him to leave the country. For two years, there won't be a single minute of my life when I am not afraid. Two years, and maybe forever.

I hope I don't become an alcoholic, and I'm horrified to know that's the least of my worries.

[Edit 1: . . . then who do you propose is going to save the world?]

[Edit 2: . . . no, because even under a new administration, we've set a precedent.]

[Edit 3: . . . right, supposed liberal backswing. The Clinton administration was considered to be bleeding-heart liberal. What does that tell you?]