The List

Top Ten Reasons that Val and Romie are Slame:

10. Romie regularly uses made-up words like "slame" and "grosto" and assumes that everyone else will know what she means. Ditto for any unusual slang she uncovers or invents.

9. They check their e-mail way the fuck too often. Also, they make the same corrections to sentences. Not that that has to go there, it's just kind of pathetic.

8. They're incredibly snooty and often blink their eyes incredulously before saying something like "you mean you don't go to the opera regularly?"

7. Val hates history and art. Hates hates hates. This makes her way beyond slame in the estimation of Romie.

6. Val lies about hating history and art, because actually she talks about Goya all the time and she and Romie get into heated discussions about why we lost the Civil War.

5. Romie says things like "why we lost the Civil War."

4. She also says things like "of course he's in love with me! Everyone's in love with me!"

3. And she can't write poetry for shit.

2. That was about Romie, not Val. It's also really not true.

1. They are so egotistical that they couldn't individually come up with enough reasons for slameness to fill an entire tenlist, and yet they were completely willing to sacrifice autonomy for the merger, losing any sense of personal identity.

0. Val: Wait! That's not enough slameness! We have a lot to cover! We haven't even covered basic grounds! Like, I'm a hypocondriac and you're . . . give me a second. I can always think of my slameness quickly, but with you it's hard. Egotism. Egotism. There's a lot of that. We've already covered that, only I don't think we could cover that with an aeroplane wing. Oh! And you're incredibly messy!

Romie: Lies! Lies! All lies! Bow to my sovereignty!

(Pause)

Val: Okay, you're not incredibly messy; that was an exaggeration. There are just definitely things we have different views on, like wearing clean clothes.

(Pause)

Val: And washing our hair.

(Pause)

Val: And your categorical refusal to read the mail unless it's from someone with whom you're on a first-name basis.

(Pause)

Romie: Wait, I thought of why I'm slame. Because I always do the typing, and yet you always come off with the good lines in these discussions, even when they're really mine, like that whole section. (points.)

Val: (crushed) Liar! I write some of the good lines! (sniffles)

(Pause)

Romie: Is having a kidney infection slame?

Val: Shut up!

(Pause)

Romie: What are you doing?

Val: I was rereading.

Romie: Oh. Are we done?

Val: I think we're done.

Romie: We should read it anyway. All that egotism, and so forth.

Val: Woohoo!

Current Mood: Proudly sporting glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter band-aids

A visit from the fairy godfather

Ailei came to visit this weekend. Spending time with her is always an interesting experience, both because I can talk to her about things that it would be difficult to convey to other people and because our relationship originated online, in character.

Anyone who acts or roleplays has probably experienced this situation to some degree; even if you know someone is pretending, you can never fully seperate what you see onstage from the person you know in real life. This becomes infinitely harder when you never met the person before the audition, the entire performance is ad-libbed, and you both play slightly more extreme versions of your actual selves.

Online, Ailei is my godfather, and Val is . . . well, Val is my closest friend and soon-to-be roommate. (Extreme versions of me and Val are still basically me and Val.) Anyway, Ailei plays the morally ambiguous semi-parental figure I didn't realize I had, who I rarely see but often write to and hear about, and who enjoys, (in my character's estimation,) an extremely liberal application of the Romie Exception. "He just tortured someone to death? That's appalling! But since it's him, there must be a good reason. I should have a hot bath ready."

There is hero worship, oh yes, and although Val and I can sit down and criticize the character to death, my brain slides right over it and I start thinking, "maybe we could have some sushi? It's been a few days since I last had sushi. . . ," at which point Val sighs and puts on a teakettle for me.

As I said, this relationship bleeds over into real life. It's surreal, even when it's expected, and doubly so when I'm sitting in a bar next to the woman who plays my godfather, watching the guitarist whose picture has always represented him.

It's great.

Ailei herself expressed some doubts about how interesting a guest she was, as people often do. (I never really understand this, because I don't know that I'm actually that entertaining a host; I just have enough panache to cover for it. It's all about the effluence of savoir faire.) In any case, I would like to provide a dramatic reenactment of the same conversation, viewed three different ways.

Ailei's view of the conversation:

Ailei: [normal conversation]

Romie: Oh! [long string of esoteric terms], don't you think?

Val: Wow, like [more esotera]?

Romie: (beaming) Exactly! Right?

Val: That's brilliant!

Romie: Yes! We'll have to [complicated and sketchily explained master plan].

Val: How long have you been plotting that, Ailei?

Ailei: Um. . .


Val's view of the conversation:

Ailei: [somewhat dubious speech about how we should protect the innocent]

Romie: You're so cool. Can we go rebuild the world in my image?

Val: Are you sure you could handle that?

Romie: Pretty sure.

Val: I am trepidatious.

Romie: [harebrained scheme which may result in the anhilation of several major religions and governing political structures]

Val: Do you think you can talk her out of this, Ailei?

Ailei: Um. . .


Romie's view of the conversation:

Ailei: [something so clever that it can be stated matter-of-factly]

Romie: Gosh, that reminds me of [obviously related allegory].

Val: I was thinking of [another allegory], but that's basically the same.

Romie: It is good that we all agree on this subject.

Val: Yes. We are in pleasant concord.

Romie: Perhaps we should make brownies.

Val: Would you like one, Ailei?

Ailei: Um. . .


In conclusion, Irish whiskey goes very well with Guinness, and soda bread should be eaten hot.