Status Update

Have worked very hard to overcome depression, and am doing bang-up job as am Zen Master. Is, however, house of cards. All it takes is one person letting me down or one thing going wrong, and I remember the "unfulfilled basic needs" list, which is growing.

Still don't have pants or a spiral notebook. Also don't have working deoderant, (keep stealing Val's,) a decent haircut, shoes, a working computer, underwear that isn't falling apart, a home, or the promise of a home. Moreover, I lack a social circle or a job. I have friends who like me, friends who admire me -- even friends who love me -- but no friends who need me. Not even Val includes me in her five year plans. I'm living on time borrowed from other people's lives.

I've been ill in one way or another for two months; my dojo thinks I'm dropping out. I have an eye infection, so that I can't wear makeup and I cry with every sunbeam, every breath of wind.

I don't have a clicker to get through the entry gate. I'm 30 miles from anything interesting. My car makes funny noises the mechanics can't figure out. Once I graduate, I will have no health insurance.

Nobody wants to have adventures with me, except maybe Delia or Patrick's girlfriend.

All my friends belong to other people.

I can't even sing for shit anymore.

I've spent the past few months saying "things will be better when summer comes; it's just the short run that kills me." Upon reevaluation, I have realized that it won't get more than marginally better when summer comes, I'll just be better able to ignore it. The short run has stretched to at least one year, more likely two, after which both Patrick and Arielle have discussed moving to New York with me -- which I don't actually believe they will, but which I believe just enough that I'm going to be shattered when it doesn't happen.

For once in my life, I want someone to make a promise and keep it. Just because castles are made of air doesn't mean they can't crush someone in the collapse.

As if all that wasn't enough, I seem to be developing an eating disorder. Food is not appealing to me, although I will eat what is placed in front of me. Sort of. I'll move it around at least. I'll eat off of other people's plates if I know they're completely done. Some vegetables are okay. Otherwise, the thought of consuming anything except fairly clear liquid makes me want to vomit, and has for days. I force myself to eat out of habit.

Under the Round Table

I've been obsessed with Arthurian legend for most of my life. The appeal is very simple: I like the round table. I like the idea of the best and the brightest coming together to work for a common dream -- a dream that binds them together as brothers. They may not always be on the same side -- they may sometimes hate each other -- but they define themselves as part of the same whole. No matter how many quests they go on or how little time they spend there, Camelot is their home.

Although I've had Lancelots, Guineveres, Morgans, and Merlins, I have never had a round table. I've had Merry Men, which is nearly as good, but the thing about Merry Men is that they leave Sherwood Forest when Richard returns. Basically, I'm left with the grail and many of the betrayals but not the pact that would make them worth it.

The Richardson Boys are the closest thing I've ever found to the round table. The phrase "band of brothers" leaps immediately to mind. They are the best and the brightest in a sense, mostly hand-picked by Patrick, united by a bond that's difficult to explain. It's not that they like each other particularly, or spend a lot of time together, but they view the group as "home" whether they want to or not. The energy that exists when all of them share a room is spectacular.

The irony here is that upon finding them I am unable to join them. This will never change. They like me -- some even love me -- and I am welcome on quests, or as an object of quests, but I'm a girl. It drives me crazy that I didn't see that one coming; while women are a part of Camelot, they are not knights of the round table. The one time I need a Romie Exception and it's letting me down.

You can excuse me for not realizing sooner. There is the Romie Exception, and they years upon years that I've spent as Arthur. Because of that, I didn't recognize Patrick as Arthur when I met him, and I picked him instead of the other way 'round.

He calls me Nimue, which I find stunningly apt. A powerful but unintimidating woman who shows up late in the game to become Arthur's chief advisor. A lady of the lake. I even dated the group's Merlin, whose age they give as younger at every meeting. [And that is how I shall henceforth distinguish the Toms: Tom North and Merlin.]

And so, as usual, I have found the object of my quest only to realize it's not mine to attain. It's the same bittersweet every time -- at least I know that the dream exists. At least I know it's possible. At least I know there are people in the world who are getting it right.

I'm just not one of them.