I'm in the wrong profession.

The stopper shot into the bottle with a dull thud of equalizing pressure; red wine flumed up in a liquid firework, showering me and the kitchen with drops of plum purple.

"Brava," applauded Ailei as I poured through a napkin to strain for cork fragments.

I have a peculiar knack for opening things. Doors without knobs, locked windows, chinese puzzle boxes, CD cases with anoying anti-theft devices, hopelessly knotted tennis shoes -- if it can be done through cunning instead of strength, I'm usually the person to ask. I've had dreams about shelling walnuts one-handed by applying pressure in just the right crevase.

The only time I've found this ability comes in particularly handy is when I'm stuck without a corkscrew or a bottle opener. I can't count the number of times I've opened a beer with my keys, or a countertop, or a nearby railing. I won the eternal admiration of my father when our kitchen was being remodled and I opened the zinfandel with a gluestick after his failures with the electric drill.

It's quite a shame this sort of functional knowledge is not useful when filling out applications. Consider:

Skills: getting to alcohol. Romanticizing the banal. Surviving for weeks on loose change and a toothbrush. Navigating a large crowd wihout losing a tail. Conning my way into closed circles. Discovering hidden motivations. Unnerving bullies.

I find this whole thing quite frustrating. Yes, I can get an 'A' in Physics, but that's not what I'm proud of; it's meaningless. I can win at 3 card monte -- why doesn't that count for anything?

This world has screwed up values.

Cryptic Fortune Cookies of the Past Month

"Things are not always what they seem."

"Remember, we are always thinking of you."

"The only blessing you will have in your life is safety."

"002" (Probably a misprint, but to be safe Max and I are calling it my agent designation.)

"Don't be afraid." (Received in the same packet as. . .)

"Someone can read your mind."

What the hell? It's gotten so I'm concerned about ordering Chinese food.

The Last Time I Take Any Kind of Initiative

VAL: (excited) And tomorrow we can clean, and Friday, and. . .

ROMIE: Like hell.

V: Please, it's been a month and I like for things to be in order.

R: See, this is why I live in my head. Your world is full of pain and darkness.

V: No, my world is full of blankets and cooking and potted plants.

R: Wait, you're right. It's my world that's full of pain and darkness. I got confused. Sorry.

V: So you'll clean then?

R: No.

This is the reason I never help around the house. I do one little thing like tidy the living room, and Valancy gets all inspired.