Defaulting
Nov. 7th, 2006 01:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueI want to say to people: I am a basketcase right now. This me that you are seeing is the worst me I've been since puberty. Please stop telling me not to be hard on myself; you don't know what I can be.
Instead I say: I'm fine. Enjoying the course, etc. (Which is also true.)
I spend a lot of time horrified and embarrassed as I watch myself do things I know better than to do. Patterns of thinking or speaking that I know don't work - that reach the wrong solutions and communicate the opposite of what I mean - patterns that are reflex.
It's hard to write at the moment, or to talk. Hard to put words together. I get them wrong.
I am happy and I am sure of what I want, and sure that it is the best choice. What I am not sure is that I won't be persuaded otherwise by well-meaning and respected friends. I don't know what's right these days. Every time I find a mental peace, someone asks me to re-explain.
I apologize for all this.
Instead I say: I'm fine. Enjoying the course, etc. (Which is also true.)
I spend a lot of time horrified and embarrassed as I watch myself do things I know better than to do. Patterns of thinking or speaking that I know don't work - that reach the wrong solutions and communicate the opposite of what I mean - patterns that are reflex.
It's hard to write at the moment, or to talk. Hard to put words together. I get them wrong.
I am happy and I am sure of what I want, and sure that it is the best choice. What I am not sure is that I won't be persuaded otherwise by well-meaning and respected friends. I don't know what's right these days. Every time I find a mental peace, someone asks me to re-explain.
I apologize for all this.
