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rinue[This was initially published as an e-mail to Ciro; it is quoted here with very few changes.]
Today was the worst day I've had so far, which came as a surprise because it started out well. Breakfast was pleasant and relaxed; the walk to the bus was the first that hasn't hurt my feet, thanks to the liberal application of band-aids. The bus itself was not overcrowded, so I got a seat, and traffic was light; the ride was smooth enough that I could enjoy my book, and brief enough that I arrived at school with time to check my e-mail - and what a wonderful e-mail I had received. My first class was excellent; Cedric (the camera guy) was back from being ill, and we went over the stills we took last weekend - many of which were beautiful.
After that, things went downhill. There was a script meeting with Alan that really drove home the disconnect between me and the rest of my team - and perhaps the rest of the school. I continue to feel profoundly ignored, in a way that is almost surreal; what I actually say doesn't seem to have much effect on what people hear (usually the opposite). I could go in to detail, but I won't. I'm pretty sure I won't be making anything I give a damn about this term, and I wish it was over - something I've been feeling since the beginning of term, and which only gets stronger as the weeks go by. If next term is the same, I don't know what I'll do; I may have to leave. I still have enough hope to stick it out until I see where the cards fall, but there's a lot of tooth-gritting going on, and I'm already starting to disengage. Maybe that's a good thing; I don't have the perspective to know.
The second half of the day I had off, so I went up to the editing lab for what should have been maybe an hour of work, but which turned into five hours of work - at the end of which, I hate the final cut of the film so much I don't want my name on it and would prefer it never be shown. A "too many cooks" problem - all of the teachers and students arguing over how I should change it and then being disappointed when their suggestions made it worse - and then angry with me, because clearly I should have known better. I've wasted a week's free time on this - probably 24 hours of work in total.
The lesson I have taken from this experience, which is probably a dangerous one, is "never listen to anyone, ever; your vision is all that matters, and if you yield to theirs even a little, they will despise you for it." Again, I don't have the perspective to know whether this is a good place to be or a bad one. I'm angrier than I've been in a very long time; I hate having my time and my creative energy wasted so thoroughly. I suppose I've learned a lot in the process, but they are lessons I taught myself, and lessons that are in many respects the opposite of what I was intended to learn.
I'm furious, and miserable, and hating myself and hating it here, and I have no place to put any of those emotions. I hate that I may have to spend the next two years up to my neck in all the stuff I hate about film and none of the stuff that I love, just out of the hope that at the end people will trust me enough to let me do what I actually want. In effect, school so far has been the exact opposite of what I wanted it to be - and what I hoped to avoid by coming to this school instead of any other. It's as though I'm not learning things so much as the idea of things - I hear things that may or may not be good ideas, and I won't know until I apply them - which I don't get much chance to do. Why do I keep returning to the editing lab when I hate editing? Because it's the only place where there's equipment I don't have at home that I am free to use as I wish.
(Given that I no longer care about anyone's experience but my own, I may go back to the editing lab and re-cut the film with no attention whatsoever to the images involved, and an emphasis solely on rhythm - cut the film according to a musical score or mathematical formula - just to see what comes out of it. I will think about this over the weekend.)
I'm to the point of wanting to sit down with Alan (who is the head of the program) and air my frustrations (a polite way of saying "fury") - but he's out of town for the next week. At least I have most of next week off - two and a half days of classes, (of which I intend to skip my Friday class to meet Ciro at the airport).
I wish I had something more positive to say, but at present I am too angry - angry enough that my forehead feels hot.
Today was the worst day I've had so far, which came as a surprise because it started out well. Breakfast was pleasant and relaxed; the walk to the bus was the first that hasn't hurt my feet, thanks to the liberal application of band-aids. The bus itself was not overcrowded, so I got a seat, and traffic was light; the ride was smooth enough that I could enjoy my book, and brief enough that I arrived at school with time to check my e-mail - and what a wonderful e-mail I had received. My first class was excellent; Cedric (the camera guy) was back from being ill, and we went over the stills we took last weekend - many of which were beautiful.
After that, things went downhill. There was a script meeting with Alan that really drove home the disconnect between me and the rest of my team - and perhaps the rest of the school. I continue to feel profoundly ignored, in a way that is almost surreal; what I actually say doesn't seem to have much effect on what people hear (usually the opposite). I could go in to detail, but I won't. I'm pretty sure I won't be making anything I give a damn about this term, and I wish it was over - something I've been feeling since the beginning of term, and which only gets stronger as the weeks go by. If next term is the same, I don't know what I'll do; I may have to leave. I still have enough hope to stick it out until I see where the cards fall, but there's a lot of tooth-gritting going on, and I'm already starting to disengage. Maybe that's a good thing; I don't have the perspective to know.
The second half of the day I had off, so I went up to the editing lab for what should have been maybe an hour of work, but which turned into five hours of work - at the end of which, I hate the final cut of the film so much I don't want my name on it and would prefer it never be shown. A "too many cooks" problem - all of the teachers and students arguing over how I should change it and then being disappointed when their suggestions made it worse - and then angry with me, because clearly I should have known better. I've wasted a week's free time on this - probably 24 hours of work in total.
The lesson I have taken from this experience, which is probably a dangerous one, is "never listen to anyone, ever; your vision is all that matters, and if you yield to theirs even a little, they will despise you for it." Again, I don't have the perspective to know whether this is a good place to be or a bad one. I'm angrier than I've been in a very long time; I hate having my time and my creative energy wasted so thoroughly. I suppose I've learned a lot in the process, but they are lessons I taught myself, and lessons that are in many respects the opposite of what I was intended to learn.
I'm furious, and miserable, and hating myself and hating it here, and I have no place to put any of those emotions. I hate that I may have to spend the next two years up to my neck in all the stuff I hate about film and none of the stuff that I love, just out of the hope that at the end people will trust me enough to let me do what I actually want. In effect, school so far has been the exact opposite of what I wanted it to be - and what I hoped to avoid by coming to this school instead of any other. It's as though I'm not learning things so much as the idea of things - I hear things that may or may not be good ideas, and I won't know until I apply them - which I don't get much chance to do. Why do I keep returning to the editing lab when I hate editing? Because it's the only place where there's equipment I don't have at home that I am free to use as I wish.
(Given that I no longer care about anyone's experience but my own, I may go back to the editing lab and re-cut the film with no attention whatsoever to the images involved, and an emphasis solely on rhythm - cut the film according to a musical score or mathematical formula - just to see what comes out of it. I will think about this over the weekend.)
I'm to the point of wanting to sit down with Alan (who is the head of the program) and air my frustrations (a polite way of saying "fury") - but he's out of town for the next week. At least I have most of next week off - two and a half days of classes, (of which I intend to skip my Friday class to meet Ciro at the airport).
I wish I had something more positive to say, but at present I am too angry - angry enough that my forehead feels hot.
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Thing.
Date: 2006-10-15 03:27 am (UTC)What you have to be aware of is your goal for going to school. The certification isn't going to do you jack in the art industry. No one cares where you graduated from (unless they went to that same school and happen to have fond memories of it), so if that's what you're going for (which I doubt you are, but still), then you should probably quit now before it ends up costing you a fortune for very little gain. In the art industry, it's not about what you know, it's about who you know. They'll sooner take a recommendation from someone they trust than some random wannabe with a certificate.
If your goal is recognition, i.e. your teachers can introduce you to some big names in the film industry, then what you need to do is be excited about film, this is what you want to do with your life, and don't let them think for a second that you're in it for the money or the fame. You'd do this for free, by George-it! Your teacher is basically a semester-long interview if this teacher can get you the hook-ups. Hell, you have an edge just being female! (Sad, but true.) If your teacher notices you're excited about what you're doing, they'll end up transfering that enthusiasm toward their opinion of your work. You'll be first in their minds when they consider who they want to tell their buddies about. Even if you're working in a group, they'll assume you made all of the good parts and everyone else contributed the bad parts. When you're working with opinions, you have to make sure your targets develop favorable and positive emotions when they think of you. Be sure to surround yourself with people who have a positive outlook as well. Unfortunately, this IS a popularity contest, just like the art industry is.
If your goal is to learn, don't expect to make good grades, and don't take the lessons from your teachers to heart; unless, of course, this teacher is a retired and successful filmographer, director, whatever. Most of the teachers in the class have failed in the industry for some reason or another. Maybe they did alright but just weren't able to make the cut, maybe they totally flopped out and decided to make something of all the failed investments they made toward getting into the industry so now they try to teach it. When it comes to art in general, they're going to try to teach you what's good and what's not, but you can't teach that. Your audience may like different things, and even still your audience's opinions will change over time. Throw your teacher out the window when it comes to lessons of what's good art and what isn't, if they knew what good art was, they most likely wouldn't be teachers. About the best they can do for you is tell you what to expect in the industry as far as vocabulary, how equipment works, day-to-day activity (assuming they ever made it that far), who the big names are, and possibly how to get in touch with these people. That's it. That's all the lessons you can take from them. Don't expect much more.
And if you're going for a portfolio, make as much use of their equipment as you can and be sure no one is allowed to ruin your work! Once again, don't expect good grades.
Most importantly, give Ciro a big hug for me when you meet him at the airport. Snap him in half if you have to! I hope this post has helped some.
-Bluezy Bunny
Re: Thing.
Date: 2006-10-15 09:13 pm (UTC)Oh, believe me, I'm going to affix to him as firmly as a barnacle on a boat hull. Hopefully, he will somehow find a way to still carry his luggage; otherwise, it will simply have to be abandoned.
Thank you for your comment, which did help - a lot of it's stuff I already knew, but it's reassuring to hear it from somebody else. Fortunately, the school doesn't actually have grades, and it's explicitly not an art school - as long as I'm technically skilled, they can't fail me, even if they disagree with my artistic choices. Moreover, the teachers are a pretty successful bunch - the students too; I should probably be much more intimidated. lol
thanks,
Romie