Cancer of the Personality

[rinue]

I wake up and I don't recognize myself anymore. Throughout the day, I can feel myself dying and being replaced with nothing; I'm afraid of death for the first time in my life, now that I would be remembered as someone other than who I am, or was.

I'm a nihilist these days, which is just as unpleasant as I'd always thought it would be. People tell me that I need a project, but what they mean is that I shouldn't bother them now, while I'm not worth anything. I don't understand what these people see when they look at me - only that it's inaccurate.

I'm not sure why I try to communicate anymore. There have been times when I've screamed and thrown things and everyone has told me how pleasant I am, how subtle. The few who do understand don't act; they just worry. Then I have to comfort them, and I don't always have the energy.

I've been in Dallas far too long, surrounded by people who love me and try to convince me I'm someone else. It can be deadly to look back and realize how much more you used to be; it destroys a lot of artists, makes others crazy. I know I don't seem that great now, even to myself, but I have paper records; I have scars. I used to be this person that I'm told was impossible. It all seems like an hallucination.

Comments

[elocutionist.livejournal.com]

it's just the end of the world.

nothing to worry about.

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

I feel the same sensation, that I'm not who everyone thinks I am. I don't know what it means or what to do about it, and everytime I try to assert myself or do anything that doesn't fit into the idea of who someone thinks I am, they get angry, then rationalize my action into a pat, tidy explanation for why I'd do something so out of character. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about.

[firstblush.livejournal.com]

Oh, romie. *HUGS*