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rinueIt's 9:06 and the crippling lonliness just hit. Or, well, I think it did. I actually have a thing going on where I think:
"I miss Patrick. Or, wait, do I miss Patrick? Perhaps I only think I miss Patrick because it is expected of me to miss Patrick, and I am succumbing to a cultural brainwash."
Then I think:
"Oh damn, what if I'm just fooling myself about the cultural brainwash business? It would be very like me to think that I am all right simply because I don't want to look weak. After all, I have been in Patrick's constant company for the past month, and I did miss him when he was in Vegas."
That leads to:
"But why would I be okay with missing him while he was in Vegas but not now?"
And the answer comes back:
"As we weren't physically involved, it was more philosophically pure and less like codependency."
With its antonemic:
"Except we have always been physically involved. Fuck! That means I really am concerned with how I will be viewed under a new label and am thus forced into constant vigilance for girlfriend mode! And if that is the case it is impossible for me to properly assess whether I do or do not miss Patrick because he is tangled up with the social construct of 'boyfriend'!"
Eventually this devolves to:
"Am I turning into one of those people who is half of a couple rather than an individual? Perhaps I should not ever talk about Patrick in my journal, because I think I wind up coming off as pathetic, which is inaccurate. Yet I do think of him often, making me dishonest if I disinclude him; I had no such qualms about Valancy, rendering me hypocritical."
Thus we are left with:
A. Whatever this is, I need to resolve it, because it is going to be the norm for a while.
B. I need to work out new terms that please me, because "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" sound diminutive.
C. Oh hell; four entries in a day means I must be overcompensating. He's become "home," hasn't he?
D. I'm calling Chad.
"I miss Patrick. Or, wait, do I miss Patrick? Perhaps I only think I miss Patrick because it is expected of me to miss Patrick, and I am succumbing to a cultural brainwash."
Then I think:
"Oh damn, what if I'm just fooling myself about the cultural brainwash business? It would be very like me to think that I am all right simply because I don't want to look weak. After all, I have been in Patrick's constant company for the past month, and I did miss him when he was in Vegas."
That leads to:
"But why would I be okay with missing him while he was in Vegas but not now?"
And the answer comes back:
"As we weren't physically involved, it was more philosophically pure and less like codependency."
With its antonemic:
"Except we have always been physically involved. Fuck! That means I really am concerned with how I will be viewed under a new label and am thus forced into constant vigilance for girlfriend mode! And if that is the case it is impossible for me to properly assess whether I do or do not miss Patrick because he is tangled up with the social construct of 'boyfriend'!"
Eventually this devolves to:
"Am I turning into one of those people who is half of a couple rather than an individual? Perhaps I should not ever talk about Patrick in my journal, because I think I wind up coming off as pathetic, which is inaccurate. Yet I do think of him often, making me dishonest if I disinclude him; I had no such qualms about Valancy, rendering me hypocritical."
Thus we are left with:
A. Whatever this is, I need to resolve it, because it is going to be the norm for a while.
B. I need to work out new terms that please me, because "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" sound diminutive.
C. Oh hell; four entries in a day means I must be overcompensating. He's become "home," hasn't he?
D. I'm calling Chad.
