This is a bad entry. I'm tired.

[rinue]

In the past month, the question I've been most frequently asked is, "so what are you going to do now?"

I must say, this seems startlingly callous and not a little offensive. I know these people love me, and mean well, and it seems less loaded than "so are you seeing anyone?". I get that. But every time, it makes me angry and kind of hurt, like they don't have any idea who I am.

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can live in the moment, the thing that everyone's taking as immature irresponsibility. I've worked at it; it's something I chose philosophically. When someone says "plan for the future," my automatic internal response is "what future?"

The thing is, I've been unhappy for much more of my life than I haven't. I've been sold out on more times than I care to count -- betrayed, defrauded, blatantly lied to. Every single time I've invested my energy in something, it's let me down. All the good things in my life happened by accident instead of saving. Although it sounds like I'm exaggerating, I'm not. (Which, incidentally, is incredibly depressing.)

And so at this point when I've finally embraced the aesthetic my entire life has driven me toward, when I feel more mature, more congruent, more myself than I have in a long time, everyone thinks I am childish for not wanting to find a high-paying job with health insurance. People want me to do something brilliant -- and apparently novels, plays, and films don't count.

Please understand. . . The short term is all I ever have.

Comments

[tommx.livejournal.com]

in a very real sense, short term is all any of us can count on. (and that's an optimistic estimate) most people don't realize that or don't want to think about it.

[(Anonymous)]

One has the very same problem only in a different context. One would suggest that your problem is caused by the fact that you care what these other people think.
Do not ask one why one speaks in this way. One does not know.

-Chad

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

most importantly, are you being attacked by bees?

(Often I wonder to myself if these small replies of the non-sequitor variety, though amusing, portray my empathy to your situation as being somewhat small, and non-existant. I am getting the same kind of treatment these days as well, what with everybody wondering what I am going to do. It's not enough that I've finally developed myself to the point where I don't pick up the knife anymore and I feel good about myself. I find this lack of recognition disturbing. In any case, having demonstrated a point of reference [as if we needed more of them] for the two of us to clink teacups at, I say... I jive on that string of thought Romie. You da bomb, yo.)

[rinue.livejournal.com]

I think our culture is simply not friendly to artist-philosophers.

Thanks,
Romie

ps It looks like I'm going to take over Val's cell phone, largely so you'll be able to call at three in the morning. ;)

Re:

[hipgunslinger.livejournal.com]

HOT DIGGETY DAMN! THAT'S AWESOME!