Brainworms
Jan. 17th, 2021 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueI took most of this week off and managed to keep my expectations reasonable about what I might get done, but I'm still disappointed that I got basically nothing done and feel run down and tired anyway. I mean, it's not right to say that I got nothing done. But the things I wanted to get done did not get done. I'm groggy and have had a stress headache this whole time.
Essentially, I think I'm being taffy pulled by two things:
1. Extreme uncertainty/volatility around the country's political stability and the direction of the pandemic, both of which are largely out of my control (because they are in the shared control of millions of people) so although I'm at peace with the degree to which I do my part, I nevertheless have to qualify things like "yes let's plan to have a phone call Thursday" with high uncertainty around the condition of the world on Thursday.
2. I am well known to be an Absurdist with a fairly coherent philosophy who is willing to talk about Existential problems and the fear of death and the meaning of meaning and the value of art, so when things are globally disastrous, I get a lot of calls from people who want to do the atheist equivalent of talking to their priest. I would not say these conversations are a burden (aside from being with people I like, they tend to involve showing me new art and telling me interesting stories) but they do occupy time and thought.
In other words, I'm against the wall of a resource management problem where I'm having to decide how much to allocate toward the future (building new things that will make a lot of people's lives better) and how much energy to allocate toward the present (making sure the ship doesn't sink while I'm on my way there) and the tradeoff is always very obvious. I would not feel great about saying to a friend "no I know you're scared but I want to vacuum the living room instead of talking to you" but I also do not feel great about looking back at the last 5 days and being mostly in the exact same spot, maybe even somewhat backslid.
I did of course work on the musical script. Which I feel should by now be finished because it's very close to finished and I know how the unfinished part goes I just need to write it down. And I drew some drawings. And unexpectedly got asked to sign on as producer of an art film about trains, which meant I spent a lot of today watching very beautiful footage of trains (so lovely) to decide whether I want to join the project. (Which probably yes, although I question whether I have the free time to do the job the way I'd want to.)
I hate being in these "nothing is enough" mindsets instead of being able to enjoy incremental progress. Or in this case adamant refusal to be sucked backward much.
Essentially, I think I'm being taffy pulled by two things:
1. Extreme uncertainty/volatility around the country's political stability and the direction of the pandemic, both of which are largely out of my control (because they are in the shared control of millions of people) so although I'm at peace with the degree to which I do my part, I nevertheless have to qualify things like "yes let's plan to have a phone call Thursday" with high uncertainty around the condition of the world on Thursday.
2. I am well known to be an Absurdist with a fairly coherent philosophy who is willing to talk about Existential problems and the fear of death and the meaning of meaning and the value of art, so when things are globally disastrous, I get a lot of calls from people who want to do the atheist equivalent of talking to their priest. I would not say these conversations are a burden (aside from being with people I like, they tend to involve showing me new art and telling me interesting stories) but they do occupy time and thought.
In other words, I'm against the wall of a resource management problem where I'm having to decide how much to allocate toward the future (building new things that will make a lot of people's lives better) and how much energy to allocate toward the present (making sure the ship doesn't sink while I'm on my way there) and the tradeoff is always very obvious. I would not feel great about saying to a friend "no I know you're scared but I want to vacuum the living room instead of talking to you" but I also do not feel great about looking back at the last 5 days and being mostly in the exact same spot, maybe even somewhat backslid.
I did of course work on the musical script. Which I feel should by now be finished because it's very close to finished and I know how the unfinished part goes I just need to write it down. And I drew some drawings. And unexpectedly got asked to sign on as producer of an art film about trains, which meant I spent a lot of today watching very beautiful footage of trains (so lovely) to decide whether I want to join the project. (Which probably yes, although I question whether I have the free time to do the job the way I'd want to.)
I hate being in these "nothing is enough" mindsets instead of being able to enjoy incremental progress. Or in this case adamant refusal to be sucked backward much.
