It's interesting because Ciro and I question each other all the time, and can get into all kinds of "where are you sourcing that" arguments aside from general "I think you're missing the essential point of everything" discussions. I think it's somewhat inevitable as we collaborate, and I don't think it's a bad thing that we question each other in this way.
But my best friend always assumes I've done the research unless I say otherwise - I'm granted automatic expert authority, which as you point out, also comes from a long history of knowing me and having reason to believe that I have studied a given thing. There is also an assumption that I will understand my best friend also knows what she's talking about. It's different from the relationship I have with other friends.
I think context is important, but also not needing to pull status - if, for instance, Val is telling me I should try boiling an egg a different way, it is to make my life easier, and not to prove that she has superior knowledge of egg boiling. She's also not likely to say anything unless I seem unhappy with the way I do it normally - it is not controlling.
Where it's really noticeable is matters of opinion, but where critical background matters - talking about a movie, or a book, politics, feminism, art theory. If I say I think something is misogynist, it comes after serious study of all the waves of feminism, including offshoots like the black lesbian feminists in Boston in the 70s, and I don't have to say that. Whereas with other people, I would not only have to say that, but would still have to face "but this is really just you feeling sad." It's nice to just be able to say something like "trickle-down economics doesn't work" and have it understood as based in math and not which news station I watched recently.
We don't have to prove anything anymore; we're just proud of each other. It's nice.
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branchandroot
Re: Attentiveness
Date: 2012-03-22 09:13 pm (UTC)But my best friend always assumes I've done the research unless I say otherwise - I'm granted automatic expert authority, which as you point out, also comes from a long history of knowing me and having reason to believe that I have studied a given thing. There is also an assumption that I will understand my best friend also knows what she's talking about. It's different from the relationship I have with other friends.
I think context is important, but also not needing to pull status - if, for instance, Val is telling me I should try boiling an egg a different way, it is to make my life easier, and not to prove that she has superior knowledge of egg boiling. She's also not likely to say anything unless I seem unhappy with the way I do it normally - it is not controlling.
Where it's really noticeable is matters of opinion, but where critical background matters - talking about a movie, or a book, politics, feminism, art theory. If I say I think something is misogynist, it comes after serious study of all the waves of feminism, including offshoots like the black lesbian feminists in Boston in the 70s, and I don't have to say that. Whereas with other people, I would not only have to say that, but would still have to face "but this is really just you feeling sad." It's nice to just be able to say something like "trickle-down economics doesn't work" and have it understood as based in math and not which news station I watched recently.
We don't have to prove anything anymore; we're just proud of each other. It's nice.