Again and again
May. 12th, 2010 12:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rinueCiro worked on a film a few weeks ago, and one of the dancers in the film subsequently asked a mutual friend (my friend foremost, but also Ciro's friend and the dancer's friend) whether Ciro might have any unsatisfactions in his marriage she could exploit because she'd like to hook up with him. This dancer was told by our friend this was not acceptable and the friend went on to warn Ciro (who then warned me) that these schemings were going on.
The situation is resolved, but what bothers me about it is that it's not unique. This is at least the fourth time this has happened (although I'm counting times we were engaged and not married) - the fourth time I know about. One of them I was present for. This is what happens: we are out with a friend or friends and meet another friend of theirs. (This is the first time I have not also met the pursuer.) Brief pleasantries are exchanged. Immediately afterward or the following day, the new acquaintance makes clear to our friend that he or she wants to get with Ciro. When told no, they pout about it and act like someone's unjustly punished them. (This includes the time I was present when they talked about how much they wanted to fuck him, and who cares about his wife, who they didn't realize was standing right there. When told "that's her there," they were not embarrassed or apologetic; on the contrary, they were extremely resentful I'd unfairly gotten in their way.) These are not people Ciro has flirted with or complained to; they're virtual strangers.
I understand that desire for someone isn't affected by whether they're married, and is sometimes heightened by it. And I obviously understand desiring Ciro; that is a position on which I hold strong and substantiated views. What I don't understand is whatever societal shift has made this style of approach not transgressive, not illicit or dangerous (whether legally or to your social standing). It is one thing to say (discreetly and with an awareness of possible consequences) to a married person, "hey, if you're interested. . .", with a hope they'll be open to the idea but an assumption that you'll have to fade away quickly if not. It's another thing to say to a friend "I am going to try to get your other friend's husband to commit adultery; since he hasn't shown an interest, can you help me out?" I am troubled by the shift from "I want this person, so maybe I could ask if they want me too, even though" (which is brazen but not quite villainous) to "my immediate sexual gratification is more important than your friendship with either of these people or the integrity of their lives, and I would like to be publicly cheered on for my moxy as I pursue this target."
Again, I understand the rush of "I was able to take what I wanted no matter what," but society condemns that impulse in realms that go beyond the sexual, and for good reason; it's essential to civilization that people mitigate short-term impulses that are destructive in the long term. (Stable family groups are more necessary to species survival than one-night stands; we've all pretty much agreed to that, whining to the contrary*, as it allows us to do things like put spouses through college, raise children, combine finances, use fewer household resources because we don't need duplicates, etc.. It is not an exaggeration to say that marriage in some form is the essential basis of civilizations - one of the reasons the lack of support for gay marriage rankles. This is not to disparage single people so much as to say that a society of all single people is unstable.)
What the hell happened to American society? And how can you possibly get across to someone how inappropriate this stuff is if they don't know already? It's like having to teach "punching random passerby is wrong and not funny" - it's something one-year-olds know instinctively and I'm not sure how I would make common ground with someone who lacked that instinct. It's frightening. Perhaps it's another emergent property of the "relative truth" meme, the damage that just keeps giving.**
* mostly from evolutionary psychologists of dubious scholarship (a condition endemic to the profession)
** It's always fun to blame things on TV as well, people not distinguishing between reality and fiction -- in which case thank God they're not running Macbeth all the time, or Oedipus.
The situation is resolved, but what bothers me about it is that it's not unique. This is at least the fourth time this has happened (although I'm counting times we were engaged and not married) - the fourth time I know about. One of them I was present for. This is what happens: we are out with a friend or friends and meet another friend of theirs. (This is the first time I have not also met the pursuer.) Brief pleasantries are exchanged. Immediately afterward or the following day, the new acquaintance makes clear to our friend that he or she wants to get with Ciro. When told no, they pout about it and act like someone's unjustly punished them. (This includes the time I was present when they talked about how much they wanted to fuck him, and who cares about his wife, who they didn't realize was standing right there. When told "that's her there," they were not embarrassed or apologetic; on the contrary, they were extremely resentful I'd unfairly gotten in their way.) These are not people Ciro has flirted with or complained to; they're virtual strangers.
I understand that desire for someone isn't affected by whether they're married, and is sometimes heightened by it. And I obviously understand desiring Ciro; that is a position on which I hold strong and substantiated views. What I don't understand is whatever societal shift has made this style of approach not transgressive, not illicit or dangerous (whether legally or to your social standing). It is one thing to say (discreetly and with an awareness of possible consequences) to a married person, "hey, if you're interested. . .", with a hope they'll be open to the idea but an assumption that you'll have to fade away quickly if not. It's another thing to say to a friend "I am going to try to get your other friend's husband to commit adultery; since he hasn't shown an interest, can you help me out?" I am troubled by the shift from "I want this person, so maybe I could ask if they want me too, even though" (which is brazen but not quite villainous) to "my immediate sexual gratification is more important than your friendship with either of these people or the integrity of their lives, and I would like to be publicly cheered on for my moxy as I pursue this target."
Again, I understand the rush of "I was able to take what I wanted no matter what," but society condemns that impulse in realms that go beyond the sexual, and for good reason; it's essential to civilization that people mitigate short-term impulses that are destructive in the long term. (Stable family groups are more necessary to species survival than one-night stands; we've all pretty much agreed to that, whining to the contrary*, as it allows us to do things like put spouses through college, raise children, combine finances, use fewer household resources because we don't need duplicates, etc.. It is not an exaggeration to say that marriage in some form is the essential basis of civilizations - one of the reasons the lack of support for gay marriage rankles. This is not to disparage single people so much as to say that a society of all single people is unstable.)
What the hell happened to American society? And how can you possibly get across to someone how inappropriate this stuff is if they don't know already? It's like having to teach "punching random passerby is wrong and not funny" - it's something one-year-olds know instinctively and I'm not sure how I would make common ground with someone who lacked that instinct. It's frightening. Perhaps it's another emergent property of the "relative truth" meme, the damage that just keeps giving.**
* mostly from evolutionary psychologists of dubious scholarship (a condition endemic to the profession)
** It's always fun to blame things on TV as well, people not distinguishing between reality and fiction -- in which case thank God they're not running Macbeth all the time, or Oedipus.
