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still horizon
Aug. 6th, 2020 06:15 pmThe last few days have felt ominous for no reason. (There is reason for the days to feel ominous, but not for them to feel ominous if the last several months haven't.)
A large cohort of my friends either just turned 40 or is about to turn 40, which hasn't meant much to me as an arbitrary line - I recall "over the hill" cakes and jokes from when I was a kid, but 40 isn't like that now, is not a demarcation. But in the last few days, I've seen pictures of friends my age in which they look old. Old. Gray hair. Flesh that doesn't seem attached to bones, faces that puff up and slide. It's sudden. They didn't look like that a year ago.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with age; it's the coincidence of unflattering photos and the stress of the pandemic - overwork, fear, sleeplessness, anxiety about the resumption of school, lack of opportunity for relief (whether a meal out or a visit to a spa or a haircut). It's a window into how this is getting to people, to functional people, to cheerful women.
It makes me wonder whether it is happening to me and I don't notice it, or whether it isn't and that means there is something wrong.
I haven't been sleeping as much as usual, mysteriously. I keep waking up before my alarm. I think I'm sleeping about 6 hours, maybe 6 and a half, for no reason. I hear an alarm clock before I wake up but it's imaginary. I'm not having nightmares and I haven't lost any acuity. My body has just decided it needs less sleep for a bit. I don't know why.
A large cohort of my friends either just turned 40 or is about to turn 40, which hasn't meant much to me as an arbitrary line - I recall "over the hill" cakes and jokes from when I was a kid, but 40 isn't like that now, is not a demarcation. But in the last few days, I've seen pictures of friends my age in which they look old. Old. Gray hair. Flesh that doesn't seem attached to bones, faces that puff up and slide. It's sudden. They didn't look like that a year ago.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with age; it's the coincidence of unflattering photos and the stress of the pandemic - overwork, fear, sleeplessness, anxiety about the resumption of school, lack of opportunity for relief (whether a meal out or a visit to a spa or a haircut). It's a window into how this is getting to people, to functional people, to cheerful women.
It makes me wonder whether it is happening to me and I don't notice it, or whether it isn't and that means there is something wrong.
I haven't been sleeping as much as usual, mysteriously. I keep waking up before my alarm. I think I'm sleeping about 6 hours, maybe 6 and a half, for no reason. I hear an alarm clock before I wake up but it's imaginary. I'm not having nightmares and I haven't lost any acuity. My body has just decided it needs less sleep for a bit. I don't know why.
