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I can't do what ten people tell me to do
Mar. 13th, 2008 03:51 pmI am very tired. I feel like I've been tired for a long time. I have trouble believing I will someday not be tired, and it makes me angry with people on the sidewalk who don't leave me a gap to walk through.
I'm annoyed by the current hipster backlash against college rock, partly because it reminds me of a lot of anti-feminism (I alone am enlightened enough to see that women have never been oppressed, etc.) and because it's fatuous. Either like The Decemberists or don't; don't say music is only relevant if it's danceable or meant for the background of dinner parties. Try listening to a few symphonies. Then we can talk about appropriate roles for music.
School is an ethical murk, and I can't tell whether my preoccupation with resolving it is Enlightened or emo. In short, some people who haven't done their jobs properly will be moving to the next term along with people who did their jobs properly. A lot of the failures are people I like, and who I wouldn't want to see held back even if I had the ability to hold them back. In some cases, there are mitigating circumstances. In other cases, they were careless.
I justify the school's decision to socially promote (against its own rules) by telling myself it doesn't hurt me - although this is mixed, because I compete against these people to make films - as much as it helps me, since I benefit from working with them (sometimes. Other times, I am frustrated and have to work much harder than I should) - and that it's an acceptable educational decision since they will learn more from going forward than from leaving the school or revising the term.
By that justification, the school acts irresponsibly, but errs on the side of compassion. The problem is this: at the end, we all get the same master's degree, and I wouldn't trust some of these people to do basic stuff like plug in a lamp. That doesn't mean they might not be successful, or that technical knowledge is the only basis of filmcraft - but it is something everyone is supposed to know in order to graduate. In the end, what does the degree mean? How can I say it qualifies me to do a given thing when I know others have it who can't?
I feel stupid for being bothered by this. I feel stupid a lot of the time. I read an article today about how academic doping is on the rise - taking Adderall and Provogil to study or write - and I feel like an idiot the way I always feel like an idiot when I find out people are cheating. I like to think of myself as worldly, but I'm not. Consensus seems to veer toward "it's okay; nobody's equal anyway," and all I can think is "great; now the smart poor kids will never catch up." I feel like such a fuck up for still believing in equality of opportunity and assuming that other people do too. I'm embarrassed that I still look at my peers to see how I measure up - as everyone does, as is part of our animal nature - and don't remember that some of them have resources I can't guess at.
I feel like the worst kind of rube. I'm supposed to be smarter than this. How can I be bright if I still believe the word of an honest person counts for something? You would think I'd been through enough to learn. And yet I'm surprised that in a different situation, one in which someone didn't cheat, it's not enough for me to say so in her defense, because "everybody knows" the contrary. They still trust me, or at least say they do, and still think I'm smart, or say they do, but they must either think I'm dishonest or easily fooled. I don't know how to accept compliments anymore, because I think there has to be something hidden in them.
--
"Me, I'm riding along, minding my own business. Four cowboys come by and we decide to ride together for a while, friendly as can be. I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody's your friend or nobody is; don't make much difference. We get out in the middle of that frying pan and suddenly everybody's pointing their gun but me." - Payton (Kevin Kline) in Silverado, by Mark and Lawrence Kasdan
I'm annoyed by the current hipster backlash against college rock, partly because it reminds me of a lot of anti-feminism (I alone am enlightened enough to see that women have never been oppressed, etc.) and because it's fatuous. Either like The Decemberists or don't; don't say music is only relevant if it's danceable or meant for the background of dinner parties. Try listening to a few symphonies. Then we can talk about appropriate roles for music.
School is an ethical murk, and I can't tell whether my preoccupation with resolving it is Enlightened or emo. In short, some people who haven't done their jobs properly will be moving to the next term along with people who did their jobs properly. A lot of the failures are people I like, and who I wouldn't want to see held back even if I had the ability to hold them back. In some cases, there are mitigating circumstances. In other cases, they were careless.
I justify the school's decision to socially promote (against its own rules) by telling myself it doesn't hurt me - although this is mixed, because I compete against these people to make films - as much as it helps me, since I benefit from working with them (sometimes. Other times, I am frustrated and have to work much harder than I should) - and that it's an acceptable educational decision since they will learn more from going forward than from leaving the school or revising the term.
By that justification, the school acts irresponsibly, but errs on the side of compassion. The problem is this: at the end, we all get the same master's degree, and I wouldn't trust some of these people to do basic stuff like plug in a lamp. That doesn't mean they might not be successful, or that technical knowledge is the only basis of filmcraft - but it is something everyone is supposed to know in order to graduate. In the end, what does the degree mean? How can I say it qualifies me to do a given thing when I know others have it who can't?
I feel stupid for being bothered by this. I feel stupid a lot of the time. I read an article today about how academic doping is on the rise - taking Adderall and Provogil to study or write - and I feel like an idiot the way I always feel like an idiot when I find out people are cheating. I like to think of myself as worldly, but I'm not. Consensus seems to veer toward "it's okay; nobody's equal anyway," and all I can think is "great; now the smart poor kids will never catch up." I feel like such a fuck up for still believing in equality of opportunity and assuming that other people do too. I'm embarrassed that I still look at my peers to see how I measure up - as everyone does, as is part of our animal nature - and don't remember that some of them have resources I can't guess at.
I feel like the worst kind of rube. I'm supposed to be smarter than this. How can I be bright if I still believe the word of an honest person counts for something? You would think I'd been through enough to learn. And yet I'm surprised that in a different situation, one in which someone didn't cheat, it's not enough for me to say so in her defense, because "everybody knows" the contrary. They still trust me, or at least say they do, and still think I'm smart, or say they do, but they must either think I'm dishonest or easily fooled. I don't know how to accept compliments anymore, because I think there has to be something hidden in them.
--
"Me, I'm riding along, minding my own business. Four cowboys come by and we decide to ride together for a while, friendly as can be. I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody's your friend or nobody is; don't make much difference. We get out in the middle of that frying pan and suddenly everybody's pointing their gun but me." - Payton (Kevin Kline) in Silverado, by Mark and Lawrence Kasdan
