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smell starts at three parts per million
Oct. 6th, 2007 11:18 pmFor months at a time, I get single song lines in my head. Maybe it comes from my music background - some kind of need for resurfacing motifs and themes. If you've been around for a while, you probably remember a few of them - for instance, "we're just a habit like saccarine1," which drove Val crazy throughout 2001, and "fate is setting out the chessboard while death rolls out the dice2" which bemused Patrick in 2002. From about last October to maybe August it was "I never asked for your crutch, so don't ask for mine3," which I'm fairly sure annoyed everyone.
The past month or so, it's "will I see you tonight on a downtown train?4" As a side effect, each time I board a train, I look around in case Ciro is there. It is an illogical and mysterious hope.
I've been having a recurring nightmare for the past three nights. One part of the nightmare is that Dad feels betrayed because I don't attend church regularly. I mentioned this to one of my classmates, trying to explain why I've been yawning so much, and he said jokingly that I was probably feeling guilty. Only that doesn't make sense, because I don't, which is part of why the dream is upsetting and seems to come out of nowhere. I might get nostalgic about religion sometimes because I like religious music and know some kind religious people, and I occasionally use god as a metaphor, the same way I use any literary figure. But I'm pretty squarely against monotheism. Or, in fact, theism. No regrets there.
And even when I was religious, I never felt bad about missing church. I don't feel guilty about missing things in general - classes, birthdays, funerals, performances, etc. It is perhaps the area in which I am least hampered by empathy. I only ever feel bad for leaving things undone, or not helping when I could have and should have helped. Or messing something up. But just not being there? I'm constantly not all kinds of places. I am a master of not showing up, provided the event is recurring and my presence isn't pivotal.
The dream is weird.
1. "Overs," Simon and Garfunkel, Bookends
2. "Anyone for Tennis," Cream (single later added to Goodbye)
3. "4th Time Around," Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde
4. "Downtown Train," Tom Waits, Rain Dogs
The past month or so, it's "will I see you tonight on a downtown train?4" As a side effect, each time I board a train, I look around in case Ciro is there. It is an illogical and mysterious hope.
I've been having a recurring nightmare for the past three nights. One part of the nightmare is that Dad feels betrayed because I don't attend church regularly. I mentioned this to one of my classmates, trying to explain why I've been yawning so much, and he said jokingly that I was probably feeling guilty. Only that doesn't make sense, because I don't, which is part of why the dream is upsetting and seems to come out of nowhere. I might get nostalgic about religion sometimes because I like religious music and know some kind religious people, and I occasionally use god as a metaphor, the same way I use any literary figure. But I'm pretty squarely against monotheism. Or, in fact, theism. No regrets there.
And even when I was religious, I never felt bad about missing church. I don't feel guilty about missing things in general - classes, birthdays, funerals, performances, etc. It is perhaps the area in which I am least hampered by empathy. I only ever feel bad for leaving things undone, or not helping when I could have and should have helped. Or messing something up. But just not being there? I'm constantly not all kinds of places. I am a master of not showing up, provided the event is recurring and my presence isn't pivotal.
The dream is weird.
1. "Overs," Simon and Garfunkel, Bookends
2. "Anyone for Tennis," Cream (single later added to Goodbye)
3. "4th Time Around," Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde
4. "Downtown Train," Tom Waits, Rain Dogs
