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[This was initially published as an e-mail to Ciro; it is quoted here with very few changes.]
Today was the worst day I've had so far, which came as a surprise because it started out well. Breakfast was pleasant and relaxed; the walk to the bus was the first that hasn't hurt my feet, thanks to the liberal application of band-aids. The bus itself was not overcrowded, so I got a seat, and traffic was light; the ride was smooth enough that I could enjoy my book, and brief enough that I arrived at school with time to check my e-mail - and what a wonderful e-mail I had received. My first class was excellent; Cedric (the camera guy) was back from being ill, and we went over the stills we took last weekend - many of which were beautiful.
After that, things went downhill. There was a script meeting with Alan that really drove home the disconnect between me and the rest of my team - and perhaps the rest of the school. I continue to feel profoundly ignored, in a way that is almost surreal; what I actually say doesn't seem to have much effect on what people hear (usually the opposite). I could go in to detail, but I won't. I'm pretty sure I won't be making anything I give a damn about this term, and I wish it was over - something I've been feeling since the beginning of term, and which only gets stronger as the weeks go by. If next term is the same, I don't know what I'll do; I may have to leave. I still have enough hope to stick it out until I see where the cards fall, but there's a lot of tooth-gritting going on, and I'm already starting to disengage. Maybe that's a good thing; I don't have the perspective to know.
The second half of the day I had off, so I went up to the editing lab for what should have been maybe an hour of work, but which turned into five hours of work - at the end of which, I hate the final cut of the film so much I don't want my name on it and would prefer it never be shown. A "too many cooks" problem - all of the teachers and students arguing over how I should change it and then being disappointed when their suggestions made it worse - and then angry with me, because clearly I should have known better. I've wasted a week's free time on this - probably 24 hours of work in total.
The lesson I have taken from this experience, which is probably a dangerous one, is "never listen to anyone, ever; your vision is all that matters, and if you yield to theirs even a little, they will despise you for it." Again, I don't have the perspective to know whether this is a good place to be or a bad one. I'm angrier than I've been in a very long time; I hate having my time and my creative energy wasted so thoroughly. I suppose I've learned a lot in the process, but they are lessons I taught myself, and lessons that are in many respects the opposite of what I was intended to learn.
I'm furious, and miserable, and hating myself and hating it here, and I have no place to put any of those emotions. I hate that I may have to spend the next two years up to my neck in all the stuff I hate about film and none of the stuff that I love, just out of the hope that at the end people will trust me enough to let me do what I actually want. In effect, school so far has been the exact opposite of what I wanted it to be - and what I hoped to avoid by coming to this school instead of any other. It's as though I'm not learning things so much as the idea of things - I hear things that may or may not be good ideas, and I won't know until I apply them - which I don't get much chance to do. Why do I keep returning to the editing lab when I hate editing? Because it's the only place where there's equipment I don't have at home that I am free to use as I wish.
(Given that I no longer care about anyone's experience but my own, I may go back to the editing lab and re-cut the film with no attention whatsoever to the images involved, and an emphasis solely on rhythm - cut the film according to a musical score or mathematical formula - just to see what comes out of it. I will think about this over the weekend.)
I'm to the point of wanting to sit down with Alan (who is the head of the program) and air my frustrations (a polite way of saying "fury") - but he's out of town for the next week. At least I have most of next week off - two and a half days of classes, (of which I intend to skip my Friday class to meet Ciro at the airport).
I wish I had something more positive to say, but at present I am too angry - angry enough that my forehead feels hot.
Today was the worst day I've had so far, which came as a surprise because it started out well. Breakfast was pleasant and relaxed; the walk to the bus was the first that hasn't hurt my feet, thanks to the liberal application of band-aids. The bus itself was not overcrowded, so I got a seat, and traffic was light; the ride was smooth enough that I could enjoy my book, and brief enough that I arrived at school with time to check my e-mail - and what a wonderful e-mail I had received. My first class was excellent; Cedric (the camera guy) was back from being ill, and we went over the stills we took last weekend - many of which were beautiful.
After that, things went downhill. There was a script meeting with Alan that really drove home the disconnect between me and the rest of my team - and perhaps the rest of the school. I continue to feel profoundly ignored, in a way that is almost surreal; what I actually say doesn't seem to have much effect on what people hear (usually the opposite). I could go in to detail, but I won't. I'm pretty sure I won't be making anything I give a damn about this term, and I wish it was over - something I've been feeling since the beginning of term, and which only gets stronger as the weeks go by. If next term is the same, I don't know what I'll do; I may have to leave. I still have enough hope to stick it out until I see where the cards fall, but there's a lot of tooth-gritting going on, and I'm already starting to disengage. Maybe that's a good thing; I don't have the perspective to know.
The second half of the day I had off, so I went up to the editing lab for what should have been maybe an hour of work, but which turned into five hours of work - at the end of which, I hate the final cut of the film so much I don't want my name on it and would prefer it never be shown. A "too many cooks" problem - all of the teachers and students arguing over how I should change it and then being disappointed when their suggestions made it worse - and then angry with me, because clearly I should have known better. I've wasted a week's free time on this - probably 24 hours of work in total.
The lesson I have taken from this experience, which is probably a dangerous one, is "never listen to anyone, ever; your vision is all that matters, and if you yield to theirs even a little, they will despise you for it." Again, I don't have the perspective to know whether this is a good place to be or a bad one. I'm angrier than I've been in a very long time; I hate having my time and my creative energy wasted so thoroughly. I suppose I've learned a lot in the process, but they are lessons I taught myself, and lessons that are in many respects the opposite of what I was intended to learn.
I'm furious, and miserable, and hating myself and hating it here, and I have no place to put any of those emotions. I hate that I may have to spend the next two years up to my neck in all the stuff I hate about film and none of the stuff that I love, just out of the hope that at the end people will trust me enough to let me do what I actually want. In effect, school so far has been the exact opposite of what I wanted it to be - and what I hoped to avoid by coming to this school instead of any other. It's as though I'm not learning things so much as the idea of things - I hear things that may or may not be good ideas, and I won't know until I apply them - which I don't get much chance to do. Why do I keep returning to the editing lab when I hate editing? Because it's the only place where there's equipment I don't have at home that I am free to use as I wish.
(Given that I no longer care about anyone's experience but my own, I may go back to the editing lab and re-cut the film with no attention whatsoever to the images involved, and an emphasis solely on rhythm - cut the film according to a musical score or mathematical formula - just to see what comes out of it. I will think about this over the weekend.)
I'm to the point of wanting to sit down with Alan (who is the head of the program) and air my frustrations (a polite way of saying "fury") - but he's out of town for the next week. At least I have most of next week off - two and a half days of classes, (of which I intend to skip my Friday class to meet Ciro at the airport).
I wish I had something more positive to say, but at present I am too angry - angry enough that my forehead feels hot.
