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In the first week of our shift from friends to lovers, we were still unsure of our boundaries, our claims on one another. Every night, I offered to go home, or to sleep on the sofa; was careful not to say "I love you" too often, in case it seemed like a demand. He wasn't certain he could kiss me in front of other people; he never assumed when I said "I'd like to go out tonight" that I meant he should come along.
The negotiation of intimacy was gradual, a series of tentative moves and pauses. The first kiss came six hours after the realization there was a desire for it, perhaps longer. Each successive step came only once it was unbearable to delay. Relief and gratitude met every "you don't have to" - "I want to," each time a hand wasn't pushed away (and they never were). We slept in the same bed from the beginning, but my transition from clothed to unclothed took many days and several interim stages.
Even together, we longed for each other, couldn't (and can't) get close enough, even when held too tightly to breathe. Words like "forever" and "marriage" were danced around, were not targeted, but brushed gently across the surface. I knew I wanted - needed - him and only him for the rest of my life - for more than the rest of my life - that all the times I'd said "love" before to all the other people, it hadn't meant what it meant now - that I'd only just discovered the meaning. I worried he was only lonely, or saying goodbye to me. He worried that he was a conquest, an assertion of independence or exploration of a concept.
We both knew England was coming.
I think I've done a bad job of explaining things, and in the process have done a disservice to Ciro. I've tried to explain, and I've deleted entries; I've come to the conclusion that you have to meet both of us in person, and in multiple contexts. I can say he's extraordinary, but it will only sound like infatuation. I can say I'm extraordinary, and it seems like arrogance, or mania.
The truth is, we are more like movie characters than real people - and it has to be movies, because a good novelist wouldn't stand for it. This is perhaps why we're both drawn to film. "Love of my life" doesn't put a fine enough point on it, because it is larger than a life - it is the kind of passion that drives people to conquer empires and start revolutions. It is the kind of love that reshapes the world. It is an intensity of love that perhaps only a handful of people throughout history have gotten to feel - that is perhaps only felt by great people, or perhaps is the drive to greatness.
The tentativeness means more in context. We are hackers; gunslingers; war heroes; rock stars; smuggler-celebrity-royals. We're idealists that always fight back, bohemians running wild in your play, courtesans that crash your cocktail party. We are smart; we are astute. We have contingency plans, but don't do things in half measures. We make scenes. We make getaways. We stand up and are counted.
Most of all, we are fast. Fast like glue that will not come unstuck. Fast like dye that will never fade. Fast like a clock that's ten minutes ahead. We are wild, dissipated, devoted. Tight, swift, unrestrained. We move faster than other people, think faster than other people, speak faster, dream faster, learn faster. We are fast like a camera lens that transmits more light. Fast like a girl who's too sexually forward. We are fasting and we are always hungry.
We are not restrained in expressing love. We are the very people who fill entire rooms with flowers, sing serenades beneath bedroom windows, write odes to perform on street corners. We're Ovid. We're Casanova.
This was different. This was different because it was two sided. It was the discovery that not only could love be that deep - it could be that deep twice. At the time, the depth of my own feelings was so profound it seemed unbelievable; the idea of full reciprocation was unfathomable. Yet who else would be capable but Ciro? Who else would have enough depth to draw on? Enough words to express it?
We, the fast, moved slowly at first because we are both irreplaceable. Both awed. Both willing to take what we can get, and be thankful for it. The idea that we get all of it - and that "all of it" is even bigger than we imagined - the idea is still so wondrous it seems impossible, and must be taken on faith. Moreover, we both stood to lose too much - with all this talk of love, it's easy to forget the equally powerful friendship, inspiration, artistic partnership. We were already the most influential people in each other's lives, and had been for years.
During this slowness, this not asking too much or pushing too hard, there was still asking and there was still pushing. Usually late at night, curled next to each other in bed or on a sofa, paired like a set of quotation marks. Voices both languid and gravelly. Very early - perhaps the first or second day - Ciro looked past my shoulder and said, jokingly,
"If, while you're gone, you find someone to warm your bed, I'll understand. I won't like it, but I'll understand. But if you find another D.P., I'll kill him."
This is one of those jokes that is not a joke.
To explain, "D.P." (or sometimes "DoP") stands for Director of Photography, which is one of the three most important positions on a film crew. The DP is, in essence, the person ultimately responsible for making sure that everything looks the way it's supposed to on camera. Depending on the size of the crew and the preferences of the DP and the Director, the DP may or may not be the camera operator; if he is not, he is in charge of the camera operators. He is in charge of the lighting or a crew of gaffers who set up the lighting; he is in charge of the cinematography or is reported to by the team of cinematographers.
The DP, in return, reports to the Director (responsible for the actors, the staging, interpreting the script, the decision of what to shoot, and the overall vision for the film), who reports to the Producer (responsible for securing the locations, solving technical problems, making sure the shoot runs smoothly, working with the production team [artists, costumers, set builders, etc], getting permissions, and hiring the crew).
This is not as linear as it sounds, as cut and dry; the balance of power in this triad varies depending on the participants, many of whom also do other jobs like editing, sound design, production design, writing, and acting. Filmmaking is famous for its many teams, its long collaborations. You've probably heard of Jeunet and Caro, the Cohen Brothers, Danny Boyle and John Hodge, Pete Jackson and Fran Walsh. There's a reason acceptance speeches have so many thank-yous. A producer may give advice to one of the actors; a DP may suggest a different camera angle, or suggest a scene be re-staged to take better advantage of the set.
A director may give a DP extremely specific directions - shoot a closeup there, with a 50mm lens, actor slightly to the right of frame; key light 3/4 front left, 2.5:1 fill with a little cool purple in it, no eye light, no backlight; keep the background out of focus. Alternately, a director may give the DP a lot of freedom in choosing the shots - may give the DP almost complete control in setting the visual tone for the film, even down to letting the DP set the frame (decide what appears on the camera) and then staging the actors within that frame.
In most cases, the DP's job is a blend between the two extremes - he is neither a glorified camera operator nor an uncredited director. Where he falls along that line depends partly on his own preferences and talent, and partly on his rapport with the director. DP/Director teams are extremely common, and can be almost like marriages. They develop their own vocabulary, an intuitive sense for each other's needs.
For a director, a good DP is the most valuable thing in the world. A good DP means you don't have to worry constantly that the brilliant scene you just created was lost - there is no fear that you will sit down in the editing room to discover that your footage looks nothing like what you imagined. That your footage is, in fact, ugly, and emotionally wrong. That you have wasted time; wasted art; wasted money. A good DP means the Director does not have to be tied to the monitor, can work on evoking the best performance from the actors instead of sitting behind the camera, looking at a TV screen. A good DP is a thousand times more valuable than a good camera, or even a good actor.
Ciro is my DP. He's also a director in his own right, and in that context, I'm usually his producer, or lead actor, or both. Our roles are fairly fluid, and we tend to coauthor.
Thus, when I say that I need Ciro in order to do my best work, I'm not being flowery. It's literal: I need Ciro in order to do my best work, which is also his work. It is true that he is my inspiration; that he is my subject; that he is my primary audience. It is also true that he is what enables the production of that work.
When I say that I miss Ciro, that I feel lost without him, I'm not just missing the companionship of a boyfriend.
The negotiation of intimacy was gradual, a series of tentative moves and pauses. The first kiss came six hours after the realization there was a desire for it, perhaps longer. Each successive step came only once it was unbearable to delay. Relief and gratitude met every "you don't have to" - "I want to," each time a hand wasn't pushed away (and they never were). We slept in the same bed from the beginning, but my transition from clothed to unclothed took many days and several interim stages.
Even together, we longed for each other, couldn't (and can't) get close enough, even when held too tightly to breathe. Words like "forever" and "marriage" were danced around, were not targeted, but brushed gently across the surface. I knew I wanted - needed - him and only him for the rest of my life - for more than the rest of my life - that all the times I'd said "love" before to all the other people, it hadn't meant what it meant now - that I'd only just discovered the meaning. I worried he was only lonely, or saying goodbye to me. He worried that he was a conquest, an assertion of independence or exploration of a concept.
We both knew England was coming.
I think I've done a bad job of explaining things, and in the process have done a disservice to Ciro. I've tried to explain, and I've deleted entries; I've come to the conclusion that you have to meet both of us in person, and in multiple contexts. I can say he's extraordinary, but it will only sound like infatuation. I can say I'm extraordinary, and it seems like arrogance, or mania.
The truth is, we are more like movie characters than real people - and it has to be movies, because a good novelist wouldn't stand for it. This is perhaps why we're both drawn to film. "Love of my life" doesn't put a fine enough point on it, because it is larger than a life - it is the kind of passion that drives people to conquer empires and start revolutions. It is the kind of love that reshapes the world. It is an intensity of love that perhaps only a handful of people throughout history have gotten to feel - that is perhaps only felt by great people, or perhaps is the drive to greatness.
The tentativeness means more in context. We are hackers; gunslingers; war heroes; rock stars; smuggler-celebrity-royals. We're idealists that always fight back, bohemians running wild in your play, courtesans that crash your cocktail party. We are smart; we are astute. We have contingency plans, but don't do things in half measures. We make scenes. We make getaways. We stand up and are counted.
Most of all, we are fast. Fast like glue that will not come unstuck. Fast like dye that will never fade. Fast like a clock that's ten minutes ahead. We are wild, dissipated, devoted. Tight, swift, unrestrained. We move faster than other people, think faster than other people, speak faster, dream faster, learn faster. We are fast like a camera lens that transmits more light. Fast like a girl who's too sexually forward. We are fasting and we are always hungry.
We are not restrained in expressing love. We are the very people who fill entire rooms with flowers, sing serenades beneath bedroom windows, write odes to perform on street corners. We're Ovid. We're Casanova.
This was different. This was different because it was two sided. It was the discovery that not only could love be that deep - it could be that deep twice. At the time, the depth of my own feelings was so profound it seemed unbelievable; the idea of full reciprocation was unfathomable. Yet who else would be capable but Ciro? Who else would have enough depth to draw on? Enough words to express it?
We, the fast, moved slowly at first because we are both irreplaceable. Both awed. Both willing to take what we can get, and be thankful for it. The idea that we get all of it - and that "all of it" is even bigger than we imagined - the idea is still so wondrous it seems impossible, and must be taken on faith. Moreover, we both stood to lose too much - with all this talk of love, it's easy to forget the equally powerful friendship, inspiration, artistic partnership. We were already the most influential people in each other's lives, and had been for years.
During this slowness, this not asking too much or pushing too hard, there was still asking and there was still pushing. Usually late at night, curled next to each other in bed or on a sofa, paired like a set of quotation marks. Voices both languid and gravelly. Very early - perhaps the first or second day - Ciro looked past my shoulder and said, jokingly,
"If, while you're gone, you find someone to warm your bed, I'll understand. I won't like it, but I'll understand. But if you find another D.P., I'll kill him."
This is one of those jokes that is not a joke.
To explain, "D.P." (or sometimes "DoP") stands for Director of Photography, which is one of the three most important positions on a film crew. The DP is, in essence, the person ultimately responsible for making sure that everything looks the way it's supposed to on camera. Depending on the size of the crew and the preferences of the DP and the Director, the DP may or may not be the camera operator; if he is not, he is in charge of the camera operators. He is in charge of the lighting or a crew of gaffers who set up the lighting; he is in charge of the cinematography or is reported to by the team of cinematographers.
The DP, in return, reports to the Director (responsible for the actors, the staging, interpreting the script, the decision of what to shoot, and the overall vision for the film), who reports to the Producer (responsible for securing the locations, solving technical problems, making sure the shoot runs smoothly, working with the production team [artists, costumers, set builders, etc], getting permissions, and hiring the crew).
This is not as linear as it sounds, as cut and dry; the balance of power in this triad varies depending on the participants, many of whom also do other jobs like editing, sound design, production design, writing, and acting. Filmmaking is famous for its many teams, its long collaborations. You've probably heard of Jeunet and Caro, the Cohen Brothers, Danny Boyle and John Hodge, Pete Jackson and Fran Walsh. There's a reason acceptance speeches have so many thank-yous. A producer may give advice to one of the actors; a DP may suggest a different camera angle, or suggest a scene be re-staged to take better advantage of the set.
A director may give a DP extremely specific directions - shoot a closeup there, with a 50mm lens, actor slightly to the right of frame; key light 3/4 front left, 2.5:1 fill with a little cool purple in it, no eye light, no backlight; keep the background out of focus. Alternately, a director may give the DP a lot of freedom in choosing the shots - may give the DP almost complete control in setting the visual tone for the film, even down to letting the DP set the frame (decide what appears on the camera) and then staging the actors within that frame.
In most cases, the DP's job is a blend between the two extremes - he is neither a glorified camera operator nor an uncredited director. Where he falls along that line depends partly on his own preferences and talent, and partly on his rapport with the director. DP/Director teams are extremely common, and can be almost like marriages. They develop their own vocabulary, an intuitive sense for each other's needs.
For a director, a good DP is the most valuable thing in the world. A good DP means you don't have to worry constantly that the brilliant scene you just created was lost - there is no fear that you will sit down in the editing room to discover that your footage looks nothing like what you imagined. That your footage is, in fact, ugly, and emotionally wrong. That you have wasted time; wasted art; wasted money. A good DP means the Director does not have to be tied to the monitor, can work on evoking the best performance from the actors instead of sitting behind the camera, looking at a TV screen. A good DP is a thousand times more valuable than a good camera, or even a good actor.
Ciro is my DP. He's also a director in his own right, and in that context, I'm usually his producer, or lead actor, or both. Our roles are fairly fluid, and we tend to coauthor.
Thus, when I say that I need Ciro in order to do my best work, I'm not being flowery. It's literal: I need Ciro in order to do my best work, which is also his work. It is true that he is my inspiration; that he is my subject; that he is my primary audience. It is also true that he is what enables the production of that work.
When I say that I miss Ciro, that I feel lost without him, I'm not just missing the companionship of a boyfriend.
