Honest like a Fox

It's hard to be witty without a superlative command of language. As a result, or as an outgrowth, I've spent an unnerving amount of time reading dictionaries. Some of them have been word lists, others specialized slang; quite a few have been in foreign languages, some fictional. I read derivations, I scout linkages, and I puzzle over hominyms. I'm uniquely qualified to distinguish a good dictionary from a bad one; my life's goal is to own a copy of the unabridged OED.

Something I've noticed over the years is the trouble lists have with defining basic philosophical concepts ilke "love" or "friendship." Editors love words like "dieldryn" or "callipygian," but give them something like "truth" and most dictionaries won't even try. They'll dash off a caption like "that which accurately portrays reality" and then leave the rest to debates by drunken college students - which is perfectly understandable.

I've long since surrendered any pretense of truth. It's not that I'm dishonest; I just doubt the accuracy of my (or anyone's) perceptions of the world. To claim to be truthful is pretentious. Long and short, I tailor my story to my audience and strive more for beauty than truth. What this makes me is a very good waitress.

My interest comes in what people will believe and what they won't. A case in point is the conversation I had with my manager yesterday.

Brent: So what's with you and acting, anyway?

Romie: Well, I'm from a family of gypsies. We're all actors, con men, and musicians, and I figure I'm already a con man and a musician.

Brent: (concerned near panicking, flashing the whites of his eyes) Shit!! You're a con artist and I hired you?!!!

Romie: (soothing) Just little stuff, like palmistry booths at carnivals.

[A neon sign lights over Brent's head and pulses "EASY MARK" in bright sparkling letters.]

Brent: (childlike) Ooooooooooh. . . Can you read my palm?

It's worth noting here that I can't read palms and I'm not ethnically gypsy. However, I told Brent about how he struggles to stay clear of his old drug habit, because he knows it would wreck his marriage. I told him he has four boys and no serious health problems. Actually, I should say he told me all that, but that's not how he saw it. The entire kitchen staff - which already believes I'm French/Irish royalty - is now in awe of me. It helps that I'm the mysterious tatooed red head. [Technically, I am Irish and French royalty, but who isn't?]

On the other hand, I have trouble convincing people of things that are verifiably true and in no part my own embellishment. For example, one of the bus boys has fallen madly in love with me and follows me around all the time making puppy-dog eyes and carrying my dirty dishes. In my attempts to shake him, I have been entirely honest with my excuses.

1. I'm getting married next Saturday.

2. My fiance is a blackbelt who can suffer psychotic breaks.

3. I am versed in several martial arts and have plotted the murders of two family members.

These things, apparently, are unbelievable. Nobody has any trouble with the idea that I'm an underground agent, but my being 22 years old is apparently ludicrous.

Killing Time

1) What's on your bedside table? I don't have a bedside table. Patrick and I sort of leave bits of ourselves scattered everywhere, especially loose change. I sweep through every week or two and try to consolidate it, which can lead to my paying large tabs in very small denominations.

2) What's the geekiest part of your music collection? Probably the Babylon 5 soundtrack. It was a gift from a fellow castmember - Andy. He was playing Julius Caesar I was Casca and therefore the first person to stab him. He later produced a play I directed, written by Jamie who had been Brutus. The whole thing was a bit incestuous, but we're fond of repertory.

3) What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night? We haven't reclaimed the kitchen yet, which is currently the domain of the cats. Although I make weekly forays to do laundry, I am not yet up to facing the unfinished floor in the dark. For the moment, we are surving on a cache of Nerds and peanut M&Ms.

4) What is your secret guaranteed weeping film? Glory. Dear God. Of course, I cry at the drop of a hat, so get me in the right mood and I'll cry at The Little Mermaid.

5) If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? I'd really like to have a chin. Somehow I wound up without one, and I think it would vastly improve my character to have more than jawline and neck.

6) Do you have a completely irrational fear? If I did, I'd cover it with false bravado.

7) What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? My accent becomes more pronounced, which is obvious because I start babbling.

8) Do you ever have to beg? Yes. Certain parties who will remain unnamed are evil teases.

9) Do you have too many love interests? I'd say I have the right amount.

10) Do you know anyone famous? Yes. Probably the most famous one is Norah Jones, who I went to High School with.

11) Describe your bed. I have three. Two are at my parents' house - a murphy bed that folds down from the wall and an oak sleigh bed that was my great grandfather's. Both doubles. The bed here that Patrick and I sleep is a single with very a very beat up matress and box springs that dip in the middle. The frame (and the matress) we stole from Thomas, and it's a blocky dark wood sort of thing. Sheets are ragged old black ones we stole from Patrick's mom; they're faded to navy blue in some places. The top cover is mottled white and indigo with black celtic knots on it; I brought it back from Spain. There are loads of pillows in various East Indian fabrics which I sewed last year while Johnny was visiting.

12) Spontaneous or plan? Anyone who hasn't noticed my adherence to whimsy has probably never heard of me.

13) Who should play you in a movie about your life? My sister Arielle, which I'm arranging as soon as I have the money for a 16mm camera.

14) Do you know how to play poker? Of course. I also know how to bet.

15) What do you carry with you at all times? Nothing, anymore. But I keep a backpack stocked with travel necessities like tarot cards, the constitution, and first place medals.

16) How do you drive? Quickly and with gliding turns.

17) What do you miss most about being little? Hide and Seek. Now that I'm big, I can't fit as many places.

18) Are you happy with your given name? Hells yeah.

19) What was the last song you were listening to? "A Lullaby for Arielle," which I was playing around with while Patrick drew.

20) Have you ever been in a school play? I think it would be fair to say yes.

21) Have you ever been in love? See above.

22) Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? Wooooo narcisism!

23) Have you ever done any illegal drugs? Just cannabis, which shouldn't count.

24) Do you think you're cute? I am cute.