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A Lunatic Baedecker Tour
Jan. 17th, 2002 12:56 pmRandom Fact of the Day: Econometric analysis has revealed that gum chewing is a more effective tool for staying awake than singing or caffiene is.
As I'm sure you have all realized by now, or have been told outright, one of my primary drives is the search for the American Dream. (It is not of course, the ultimate or even the penultimate drive, which have consecutively more to do with the Grail and Roshambo, The Evil Samurai Who Killed My Family. But it's probably the most practical of my quests, which I think says something essential about my general take on the world.)
The definition of the American Dream has certainly changed through the ages. It began as freedom from foriegn rule, which expanded into a more general idea of equality under law. With the rise of industry, it underwent a dramatic shift into the "Horatio Algier" rubric -- the famous rags-to-riches story, in which a poor imigrant rises through the top of the world through hard work and lucky breaks. Later, in the 50s and 60s, it was associated with drugs and endless travel -- either as a hobo on a train or a beatnik in a car.
As for the present day definition of the American Dream, I present to you the bons mots of the Dire Straits: Money for nothing, and chicks for free.
Yes, the American Dream is getting free stuff. Horatio Algier didn't give a damn about society; he just wanted gobs of money. The founding fathers were first and foremost tax evaders. I don't even have to talk about the hippies.
It makes sense, when you think about it: we like to think of ourselves as a free market economy, and if we get something for free we are maximizing consumer surplus. We are rational and self-serving, and Ayn Rand would be proud of us.
More to the point, we like not having to worry about tomorrow. If there is no tomorrow, we are free. We've been called a death-denying culture, but ideally we are the opposite -- we are immortal, which is the only freedom that matters. No tomorrow = no responsibility = no consequences. That's why we all try to be teenagers forever.
And so, in a last-ditch attempt to find the American Dream or to write it off as lost forever, I have decided to devote as much time as it takes to The $500 Road Trip.
The concept behind the $500 Road Trip is simple: it goes on as for as long as it takes to get to the end of $500. It's not for a specific distance, or a specific amount of time; it's just for $500.
Other people are welcome to join the road trip if they wish, they simply have to throw in however much money they feel like throwing in. They can also leave whenever they want, but they have to pay their own bus fare home.
Most people that I have mentioned this to have reacted with a sense of mild panic. "I have to plan things more than that," they say. What I think that they don't realize is that I do plan things. I plan things very closely. My idea of planning is simply different from theirs. To whit:
The Manifesto of the $500 Road Trip, Draft One
If getting free stuff is the foundation of the American Dream, the Road Trip is the foundation of modern America. Aside from our mind-boggling huge economy, the Road Trip is the one thing we have that no one else does, (and Canada counts as part of North America). We fuck up a lot of things; I love America as much as the next American and probably more than the next European, but you have do admit that we're kind of uncultured, over-religious, uptight, and boorish. But none of that matters. We have the road trip. And without the road trip, we are nothing.
As a result, our primary problem as a country is how few people truly embrace the road trip's oeuvre. You know what I'm talking about. Most people care more about their own comfort than grand adventure; most people are so terrified of freedom that they cannot travel without iteneraries. Cars are viewed as vehicles for moving from Destination A to Destination B in as little time as possible, and travel is taken along highways lined with chain restauraunts that render Destination A and Destination B roughly identical, (not to mention Destinations C and D enroute).
The $500 Road Trip is the antithesis of all that. It will take place not along highways, but along backroutes. Meals will be eaten at local dives, especially cheap ones. Souvenirs will be found, not bought, and if we only travel 100 miles on a given day and sleep in the car instead of on a bed, we will view this as time well spent.
Article I: The Bank
Section 1. The money supply for the road trip will be known as "The Bank."
Section 2. The Bank will consist of the $500 with which Romie starts out. Anyone else who joins the road trip must contribute to The Bank an amount of money determined by them.
Article II: Circumstances by which Money may be Added to the Bank
Section 1. Money may be added to the bank upon the initial committment to join the road trip. After the initial sum, no more additions of this sort will be accepted.
Section 2. Money may be added to the bank which is earned on the road trip, with the exception of money won through gambling. (See Article IV.)
Section 3. If members of the road trip are given money by complete strangers who they will never see again and who are not blood relations, it may be considered earned under Section 2, unless there is a future expectation that the money will be paid back.
Article III: Circumstances Under Which Money Must be Taken from the Bank
Section 1. All money spent by the members of the road trip while on the road trip must be taken from The Bank, and only from The Bank, except for those items excluded in Article IV.
Article IV: Circumstances Under Which Money May Not Be Taken from the Bank
Section 1. Money for gambling will be out of pocket and will not be taken from The Bank unless it is requires a sum of less than $2 a day. Unless money from The Bank is used, proceeds from gambling do not go to The Bank.
Section 2. Souveniers may be bought out of pocket only if (a) they are exorbitant and (b) they could not realistically be procured outside of the road trip. Under no circumstances will food, lodgings, or gasoline be thought of as souveniers, although a new vehicle might be.
Section 3. Although Romie must remain with the Road Trip until the Bank is spent, others may leave as they desire. That said, their bus- or air-faire home will not come from the Bank.
Section 4. Prescription Drugs, Emergency Room visits, and other unforseen medical problems will not be paid from the Bank, although minor over-the-counter pharmecuticals like Asprin will.
Section 5. In the case that a member of the Road Trip is jailed, bail will not come from The Bank, and the other members of the Road Trip may fail to recognize the jailed member if s/he asks them for succour.
Section 6. Money for car maintenance may or may not come from the Bank.
Section 7. In the case that someone else wishes to spend money on us, farbeit for us to stand in their way.
Section 8. In the case of debate over whether money should or should not be taken from the Bank, a vote may be taken using whichever voting system Romie considers appropriate. Ties will be broken by Romie.
Article V: Additional Rules
Section 1. No eating in chain restauraunts, with the possible exception of Waffle House or IHOP if we are hung over.
Section 2. The person in the Navigator's seat controls the radio, unless there is no one in the navigator's seat -- in which case the driver controls the radio.
Section 3. Highways will be avoided when feasible.
Section 4. Fuck maps. All we need is a compass and the willingness to make fools of ourselves asking everyone for directions.
Section 5. The Spirit of the Road Trip is to be obeyed at all times.
Section 6. No whining unless it's funny.
Section 7. The enumeration of certain rules should not be taken to deny or prohibit the existence of additional rules.
Article VI: Loopholes of which Romie is fully aware
Section 1. A careful reading of this document will reveal that someone who wished to do so could leave the road trip and immediately sign on again, contributing more money. This sort of thing might be considered cheating, but cheating is kind of in the spirit of the American Dream and therefore acceptible -- but only if done with style.
Section 2. Romie is pretty much allowed to make up rules ad nauseum. That's not listed anywhere in the document to this point, but it's been an implied power under the penumbra of Article IV, Section 8, Article V, Sections 5, 6, and 7, the Preamble, and the fact that Romie is the sole author of the Manifesto.
See, I plan extensively.
As I'm sure you have all realized by now, or have been told outright, one of my primary drives is the search for the American Dream. (It is not of course, the ultimate or even the penultimate drive, which have consecutively more to do with the Grail and Roshambo, The Evil Samurai Who Killed My Family. But it's probably the most practical of my quests, which I think says something essential about my general take on the world.)
The definition of the American Dream has certainly changed through the ages. It began as freedom from foriegn rule, which expanded into a more general idea of equality under law. With the rise of industry, it underwent a dramatic shift into the "Horatio Algier" rubric -- the famous rags-to-riches story, in which a poor imigrant rises through the top of the world through hard work and lucky breaks. Later, in the 50s and 60s, it was associated with drugs and endless travel -- either as a hobo on a train or a beatnik in a car.
As for the present day definition of the American Dream, I present to you the bons mots of the Dire Straits: Money for nothing, and chicks for free.
Yes, the American Dream is getting free stuff. Horatio Algier didn't give a damn about society; he just wanted gobs of money. The founding fathers were first and foremost tax evaders. I don't even have to talk about the hippies.
It makes sense, when you think about it: we like to think of ourselves as a free market economy, and if we get something for free we are maximizing consumer surplus. We are rational and self-serving, and Ayn Rand would be proud of us.
More to the point, we like not having to worry about tomorrow. If there is no tomorrow, we are free. We've been called a death-denying culture, but ideally we are the opposite -- we are immortal, which is the only freedom that matters. No tomorrow = no responsibility = no consequences. That's why we all try to be teenagers forever.
And so, in a last-ditch attempt to find the American Dream or to write it off as lost forever, I have decided to devote as much time as it takes to The $500 Road Trip.
The concept behind the $500 Road Trip is simple: it goes on as for as long as it takes to get to the end of $500. It's not for a specific distance, or a specific amount of time; it's just for $500.
Other people are welcome to join the road trip if they wish, they simply have to throw in however much money they feel like throwing in. They can also leave whenever they want, but they have to pay their own bus fare home.
Most people that I have mentioned this to have reacted with a sense of mild panic. "I have to plan things more than that," they say. What I think that they don't realize is that I do plan things. I plan things very closely. My idea of planning is simply different from theirs. To whit:
The Manifesto of the $500 Road Trip, Draft One
If getting free stuff is the foundation of the American Dream, the Road Trip is the foundation of modern America. Aside from our mind-boggling huge economy, the Road Trip is the one thing we have that no one else does, (and Canada counts as part of North America). We fuck up a lot of things; I love America as much as the next American and probably more than the next European, but you have do admit that we're kind of uncultured, over-religious, uptight, and boorish. But none of that matters. We have the road trip. And without the road trip, we are nothing.
As a result, our primary problem as a country is how few people truly embrace the road trip's oeuvre. You know what I'm talking about. Most people care more about their own comfort than grand adventure; most people are so terrified of freedom that they cannot travel without iteneraries. Cars are viewed as vehicles for moving from Destination A to Destination B in as little time as possible, and travel is taken along highways lined with chain restauraunts that render Destination A and Destination B roughly identical, (not to mention Destinations C and D enroute).
The $500 Road Trip is the antithesis of all that. It will take place not along highways, but along backroutes. Meals will be eaten at local dives, especially cheap ones. Souvenirs will be found, not bought, and if we only travel 100 miles on a given day and sleep in the car instead of on a bed, we will view this as time well spent.
Article I: The Bank
Section 1. The money supply for the road trip will be known as "The Bank."
Section 2. The Bank will consist of the $500 with which Romie starts out. Anyone else who joins the road trip must contribute to The Bank an amount of money determined by them.
Article II: Circumstances by which Money may be Added to the Bank
Section 1. Money may be added to the bank upon the initial committment to join the road trip. After the initial sum, no more additions of this sort will be accepted.
Section 2. Money may be added to the bank which is earned on the road trip, with the exception of money won through gambling. (See Article IV.)
Section 3. If members of the road trip are given money by complete strangers who they will never see again and who are not blood relations, it may be considered earned under Section 2, unless there is a future expectation that the money will be paid back.
Article III: Circumstances Under Which Money Must be Taken from the Bank
Section 1. All money spent by the members of the road trip while on the road trip must be taken from The Bank, and only from The Bank, except for those items excluded in Article IV.
Article IV: Circumstances Under Which Money May Not Be Taken from the Bank
Section 1. Money for gambling will be out of pocket and will not be taken from The Bank unless it is requires a sum of less than $2 a day. Unless money from The Bank is used, proceeds from gambling do not go to The Bank.
Section 2. Souveniers may be bought out of pocket only if (a) they are exorbitant and (b) they could not realistically be procured outside of the road trip. Under no circumstances will food, lodgings, or gasoline be thought of as souveniers, although a new vehicle might be.
Section 3. Although Romie must remain with the Road Trip until the Bank is spent, others may leave as they desire. That said, their bus- or air-faire home will not come from the Bank.
Section 4. Prescription Drugs, Emergency Room visits, and other unforseen medical problems will not be paid from the Bank, although minor over-the-counter pharmecuticals like Asprin will.
Section 5. In the case that a member of the Road Trip is jailed, bail will not come from The Bank, and the other members of the Road Trip may fail to recognize the jailed member if s/he asks them for succour.
Section 6. Money for car maintenance may or may not come from the Bank.
Section 7. In the case that someone else wishes to spend money on us, farbeit for us to stand in their way.
Section 8. In the case of debate over whether money should or should not be taken from the Bank, a vote may be taken using whichever voting system Romie considers appropriate. Ties will be broken by Romie.
Article V: Additional Rules
Section 1. No eating in chain restauraunts, with the possible exception of Waffle House or IHOP if we are hung over.
Section 2. The person in the Navigator's seat controls the radio, unless there is no one in the navigator's seat -- in which case the driver controls the radio.
Section 3. Highways will be avoided when feasible.
Section 4. Fuck maps. All we need is a compass and the willingness to make fools of ourselves asking everyone for directions.
Section 5. The Spirit of the Road Trip is to be obeyed at all times.
Section 6. No whining unless it's funny.
Section 7. The enumeration of certain rules should not be taken to deny or prohibit the existence of additional rules.
Article VI: Loopholes of which Romie is fully aware
Section 1. A careful reading of this document will reveal that someone who wished to do so could leave the road trip and immediately sign on again, contributing more money. This sort of thing might be considered cheating, but cheating is kind of in the spirit of the American Dream and therefore acceptible -- but only if done with style.
Section 2. Romie is pretty much allowed to make up rules ad nauseum. That's not listed anywhere in the document to this point, but it's been an implied power under the penumbra of Article IV, Section 8, Article V, Sections 5, 6, and 7, the Preamble, and the fact that Romie is the sole author of the Manifesto.
See, I plan extensively.
