rinue | Creative Writing 101

As a sometimes-editor and sometimes-critic, I spend a lot of time repeating myself. Imagine my supreme relief when I found the following list (by Kurt Vonnegut, in the introduction of Bagombo Snuff Box):

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things - reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet or innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them - in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Dear god, I feel as though I've gotten back years of my life that would otherwise be missing. I can't even count the number of times I've had to cite 3, 5, and 8 when explaining, for instance, why I think a movie is very bad. Especially 8. Especially 8. And don't get me started on trying to be all things to all people; that leads to impersonal drivel which is crowdpleasing on only the shallowest level. I certainly think all rules of art are bendable, but before you do that, you have to know what they are . . . and I often get the feeling most people don't.

Thank you, Kurt Vonnegut. Some of your stories are good, and some of your stories are lame, but as of the time yesterday when I read this list, you are a dear friend.