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The Grin of a Lender on the Run
I am regularly mistaken for someone who is introspective. In reality, I am opinionated and egocentric, which is only superficially the same thing. As good as I often am at understanding and predicting other people (learning their tells?) I tend to have a very limited understanding of what makes up my own personality.
Something I do know is that it's based on luck and charisma. Those are my definitive traits. Fortune looks out for me, and when it doesn't I can usually argue my way out.
Usually.
As a result, I'm a natural gambler. I do it without thinking; I trust that the universe will protect me, because it generally does. It took me a long time to realize that -- to realize that I am a gambler -- because I don't do it with money. Money doesn't have much meaning to me, and so I know I would lose it. Even when I play poker, it's rarely for tokens; I play for memories, or forfeits.
In any case, that's not gambling, just light amusement. It's only gambling when there's something meaningful at stake. That translates to the reckless streak that makes me a Gryffindor in the end. Of course, it rarely seems reckless at the time, because I know I'll win. Which I do.
Usually.
It's the Usually that gets me every time; if it wasn't a Usually, I wouldn't do it. If it's better than Usually -- if it's a sure thing -- then I'm not interested, because I don't really see the point. If I know I can have something, then I have no reason to pursue it; it's already mine for the taking, and I'm simply storing it where it is. If it's worse than Usually, I'm not stupid enough to take the risk. If I didn't win more often than I lost, I would be a fool to keep playing -- and I am not a fool.
Hearts is not my strong suit. I know that better than anyone, which is why I stopped dating for a year and a half. Like I said, I don't play games that I'm too likely to lose, and I noticed that I went into every relationship thinking "this is a bad idea." I'm lucky. If I think that something is a bad idea, it is probably a bad idea. When I get jumpy, watch out; shit is about to go down.
I realized today -- and it surprises me -- that I actually don't expect the Will Situation to blow up. That's unprecedented. It also doesn't make much sense, because I know how dangerous it is. I know, and everyone else knows. I've listed some of the reasons in the journal, and there are thousands more.
Despite that, I feel lucky.
High stakes.
Think I'm going to win, for no other reason than a gut feeling.
Dunno whether winning involves gaining Will or losing him.
This game just got a lot more interesting.
Something I do know is that it's based on luck and charisma. Those are my definitive traits. Fortune looks out for me, and when it doesn't I can usually argue my way out.
Usually.
As a result, I'm a natural gambler. I do it without thinking; I trust that the universe will protect me, because it generally does. It took me a long time to realize that -- to realize that I am a gambler -- because I don't do it with money. Money doesn't have much meaning to me, and so I know I would lose it. Even when I play poker, it's rarely for tokens; I play for memories, or forfeits.
In any case, that's not gambling, just light amusement. It's only gambling when there's something meaningful at stake. That translates to the reckless streak that makes me a Gryffindor in the end. Of course, it rarely seems reckless at the time, because I know I'll win. Which I do.
Usually.
It's the Usually that gets me every time; if it wasn't a Usually, I wouldn't do it. If it's better than Usually -- if it's a sure thing -- then I'm not interested, because I don't really see the point. If I know I can have something, then I have no reason to pursue it; it's already mine for the taking, and I'm simply storing it where it is. If it's worse than Usually, I'm not stupid enough to take the risk. If I didn't win more often than I lost, I would be a fool to keep playing -- and I am not a fool.
Hearts is not my strong suit. I know that better than anyone, which is why I stopped dating for a year and a half. Like I said, I don't play games that I'm too likely to lose, and I noticed that I went into every relationship thinking "this is a bad idea." I'm lucky. If I think that something is a bad idea, it is probably a bad idea. When I get jumpy, watch out; shit is about to go down.
I realized today -- and it surprises me -- that I actually don't expect the Will Situation to blow up. That's unprecedented. It also doesn't make much sense, because I know how dangerous it is. I know, and everyone else knows. I've listed some of the reasons in the journal, and there are thousands more.
Despite that, I feel lucky.
High stakes.
Think I'm going to win, for no other reason than a gut feeling.
Dunno whether winning involves gaining Will or losing him.
This game just got a lot more interesting.
no subject
Here's to winning.
Love y'all,
Delia
P.S. *HUGHUGHUGHUGHUG* Miss you SO much.