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All Right, All Right, I *Get* it Already
[warning: this entry is flawed]
Since my "hey, I guess I'm a relatively private person" realization, I have received a number of testamonies:
Valancy: Seriously? You didn't know that?
Patrick: ::cracks up:: Romie, of course you're a private person! I'm your best friend -- I was in love with you for ages -- we sometimes live together -- and I can't even tell when you're crushingly depressed! I think it's safe to say both that you're a private person and that you're a remarkably good actor.
Kristina: ::laughs for at least a minute:: Romie, you never, ever talk about yourself. Conversations with you consist almost entirely of questions, advice, and flights of fancy. I think the only reason I ever have any idea of what's going on in your life is that we only see each other once every few months, and you are therefore required to fill me in on at least the basics.
Johnny: [considerably prior to the issue coming up] I've been reading your journal for six months, and I still have no idea who you are.
Thomas: [some years prior] No matter how long I know you, I think you will always be a complete mystery to me.
Raine: [again, some years prior] For a year, I was your girlfriend and constant companion, and I still don't even know how you like to dress. Did you deliberately hide your identity?
I don't understand how to be any more open than I am. On the one hand, I know that disclosure fosters intimacy -- is, in fact, neccessary for the deepening of social relationships; on the other hand. . .
On the other hand, I know about me, and so I'm more interested in hearing about other people.
On the other hand, very few have made the effort to find out about me; most seem happier when they're the ones talking.
On the other hand, I've been unhappy a lot of my life, and people seem uncomfortable when I tell them so.
Of course, the reason I'm unhappy is that I'm almost always lonely. (It's easier when I'm travelling, but not by enough, and it's a hell of a lot easier when I'm around other people.)
I'm tired of irony; it hurts like a thousand nails lodged in my breastbone.
The following seems unrelated, but it isn't:
I'm a difficult person to cast in a play, because the audience will always watch me. Without fail, the audience will watch me, even if I'm in a bit part that I'm barely playing, and I have no lines. This translates to film, too. I'm complicated [not my word] enough that I'm never exactly a character; I'm always a person, a version of me, (and there are a lot of them). As a result, I'm the most interesting person on stage, automatically.
no subject
RomieRomieRomie... ROMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
romieromieromieromierooooomieromieromieromieromieROOOHHHHMIEEEEEERomomiemomoromomieeeeromieRomieeeeromieromieromieromieromieromieBOROMIEROBOMOROMIEbeebomaromieromiebobomiebananafanafofomiemimymomomie.
Roooooome-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee
romieromieromieromieromieromieromieromieromie
*clears throat*
there. That's better
no subject
loVe,
Romie
no subject
I know you like decaffinated coffee. Strong, though your coffee maker hardly ever gets it strong enough. You like jalapeno chicken and pick at it delicately, which is deceptive because you can still plow through most of a box without blinking. You're frustrated with the way your body is shaped, not because you think it's unattractive, but for the sheer impracticality of finding things to wear that induce the emotions you want to carry. You love green things and automatically warn Val (or anyone else) as they close the miniblinds to prevent them from being crushed. You're not settled where you are - you sleep in a sleeping bag, not a sign of permanence. You love people long after they love you. Sometimes after they've turned into something completely different (Thomas comes immediately to mind). You have an affection for things Asian - food, clothing sometimes, decorations, style. And an affinity for the intellectual. You have a sneaky sense of whimsy that peeps up in the board games you own and the way you speak. You worry for and about your friends a great deal. You fling yourself into affection with abandon and always seem like you'd like to stay in a hug just a few more minutes. I should never follow you if you storm from a room and should be wary if you're drinking coke. I know you're often willing to roll with whatever comes your way, but will put your foot down when you feel the need. You keep your things out of your way and make use of them, but the don't dominate your life. You keep things even if they work a little wonky because despite it's idiosyncracies it still works. Music is vital to you. As is acting. You have definite opinions and you express them when you feel the need. You're content to let a silence lie without requiring that it be loaded. You care insanely deeply about select people. Though how wide that selection goes I'm not sure. I've never seen you running rampant through the world at large. Your modesty seems to be mostly for other people's benefit. You approach things that are important to you in a rational manner. I offer the drawing of your tattoo on your arms for quite a while beforehand to be sure you really wanted something permanent there. You don't leave clutter and don't seem to feel the need to explain everything you do. You simply do it. You like to work at things until they make sense to you. You love puzzles. You like hashbrowns and will help yourself to what looks interesting on Valancy's plate - or anyone else who offers. You like eggs and movies and butter pecan syrup, playful squabbles and serious discussions. You like nail polish, though you often let it chip down before you replace it. You like dangly necklaces. You amuse yourself with people's reactions to what you wear or say. I know you are immensely complex - as are most people - though you carry your complexity more openly and obviously.
I don't understand you, but that really bothers me very little as half the time, I don't understand me entirely and I LIVE in here. I don't know everything about you. I don't even know a significant amount. But I know some things. You're not impossible to know. Just not easy to get to know. I've learned more by paying attention than I have from what you're told me directly. But that's okay, you know. I figure I've got time to work out what I need to know and what you want me to know.
I don't know if this helps or not. I hope it helps because I hate to see you hurting over this. That's all I can really think of at this moment. Well, except this - I love you, Romie. No matter how much I know or don't know.
Feel better hon.
Love y'all,
Delia
no subject
Also, for the record, I love you more than reason; you've recently become one of the select people.
-Romie
Riiight
How do I say this...ok, this is gonna be weird but this is the only way I can think of to get you to understand something. I don't care. Much about anything. I spent a while in my life where I cared entirely too much about...entirely too much. Ask D if u want details. I've just recently begun to let myself care about anything...or anyone. I care about Cate...mag much. Just read our posts when we were fighting...or, rather let us log in and read the ones we wrote to each other because we just had so much to say and could only say it online...and didn't want the world knowing. She's basically everything I've ever wanted in a lifemate...only she's a woman which puts a damper on the thing seeing as how she's amazingly hetero (cause I'm not the right woman to bring her out :-D) and we're just not attracted to each other.
I love Nick/Ben. He's an odd person for me to join with but there it is. Its not like I try to find the ones who NEED me. He does stuff for me that D can't do. And it works for us. But I love him and I care about him.
There's Patrick (amazing person who I'll never completely understand, although I'm closer than most and probably closer than even he knows), there's our Lady of Langley (not going into that because I love her), there's Jon Koury (which is odd because anyone else who did half the things he does would piss me off, but there he is and I adore him for it)...Riiight that's 5.
Then there's you and Val. Val I will not go into for reasons of my own (ask if you must). Which just leaves you. And, honestly? You confuse the hell out of me. I mean, I know about you. I know a lot about you, like the stuff D mentioned. I'd like to know you. Really, I would. I'd also like to spend time with you but I'm scared. See, you're this wonderful person who just...sorry this is gonna sound immature. You're just soooo Cool! And I'm afraid that if I hang out with you enough to really, really know you...then you'll discover how horriblly boring I am (although you're nice enough to let the mad mispellings slip) and you'll leave me (see? odd) before I can. And see, I'm nowhere near as intersting or entertaining as D...or Val, or Patrick for that matter. And I'm aware of this. Completely. And I've listened to you talk and what you talk about and I understand that you and I have next to nothing in common. But you make me want to know what you're talking about...U ever seen "As Good As It Gets"? U know that line of Jack's "you make me want to be a better man" ? Yeah...that's basically it...though not for his reasons. *grin* Granted, I'm one of those who is in no danger of falling in love with you. But I could love you. Not nearly as deeply as D or Nick/Ben even...but you'd be right up there if I could just convince myself that you'd let me.
*sigh* and this ended up being more about me than you...but you're amazing, you're intelligent, you're wonderfully cool. You'll understand *grin*
Love
Mavis
Re: Riiight
You're cool too. I mean, look at the people you hang out with -- they're cool, and they'd hardly keep you around if you weren't. If we're defining cool as "stylishly non-mainstream," then you've got it in spades -- look at the piercings! the body painting! the hair dye! the slash fanfiction! I imagine there are people who worship you, and others who strive to emulate you. I, for example, would steal your fashion sense in a second.
Aside from the more "surface" elements of cool, I get the feeling you're somebody who has come through a lot, which requires a phenomenal well of inner strength. You're capable of forming a deep platonic bond with someone (Cate) and a romance with someone else (Ben). You've adopted Patrick, and you helped Val with loads of Trig. Clearly, you are a highly developed individual and a force to be reckoned with.
Plus I like spending time with you, which says something.
-Romie
See, I TOLD 'Ya
Love 'ya
Mavis